Wondering if this information is correct about having AS?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been writing to a woman that writes books about Aspergers and being in relationships. This is the last email I sent her. Does it sound accurate or do I need to add other stuff?



I actually enjoyed your book and I did not find it to be too negative. I'm always interested in reading new and accurate information about Aspergers. Everything that is written in your book I know is factual and for women (especially ones that have no idea what they are dealing with) it is a real blessing! I've often thought that there's probably hundreds of women out there that married men they thought were just extremely shy. And later they didn't have a clue how to make these relationships work. The man provides such little feedback that the woman have no idea how he actually feels. Which in reality I've never known a man with Aspergers to waste time doing something without having feelings for the person he is with. When he makes that time to do things with her he's telling her that he likes her, because spending that time with her takes so much out of him. No matter what she's asked him to do (and yes, I'm aware that it's her that does the asking) it's going to be uncomfortable for him. He just wasn't born with that instant need to connect or the ability to know how to develop those types of relationships, but he can learn! I've often seen pictures of males with Aspergers in pictures with females (I'm sure the female has suggested the pic and the male had little choice but to go along with it) looking much like a deer looks when he's caught in the headlights of a car. There's a look of pure terror on his face, but there's also the look that he's going to forgive the female for making him so uncomfortable.

Most of the books I have read that go into details in depth talk about communications, but they fail to answer how to make communication work. As you know the male will never ever think like his partner. If left without communication from the female even the most devoted of these males will choose to do what he would want done in any given situation. If she is having a period of great stress and he recognizes this he will most likely disappear because he craves time alone when he's stressed and he feels like he's helping her. If she tells him that she needs that hug or wants his advice he will do his best to take care of her needs. Even if he has something in his possession something that she is searching for he will not automatically know to give it to her and probably in all likelihood suggest where she might be able to find what ever it is. But if she asks him for it he will gladly give it to her. The female will often get very upset with her partner for forgetting the most important of information, but she doesn't understand that it's not reached his longterm memory yet and it's the disorder not him that causes him to forget things in shortterm memory. I know from experience that sometimes if it's something of importance it's better to remind the male everyday for at least a week or so and then he isn't likely to forget it.

Usually an adult male with Aspergers has experienced his share of hurts and misunderstandings. He's constructed huge walls, not so much to keep others out, but to prevent being hurt again. He's aware that he possesses looks that attract females, but after the female gets to know the REAL him it's usually over. Even if he can master any sort of flirting technique after awhile he either has to come up with new material or let her realize he doesn't understand what he's doing. At best he's left hurt and at the worst he's left hurt and she's made fun of him setting his self-esteem back even further. I've never talked to a male Aspie that new how to flirt or even understood it. Even if they comment on a person's looks or even a photo it's more on the lines of what they would say if they were looking at an animal or scenery. I've been lucky enough to talk to several male Aspies of various ages concerning their sexuality. Of course, these talks have been through email and the males were quite willing to open up concerning their lives. Their sexuality seems to fit in with the nations norms, but they seem to be much more immature in discussing it than their actual ages would warrant. Some were attracted to boobs, but most showed a preference for a woman's bum. Which is one of the only sexual parts of a woman that doesn't actually call for eye contact. Many had no idea how to ask for what they needed sexually and expected their partners to be the one that initiaited most of their sexual experiences together. In looking at their answers I can see why the female would get frustrated with the male, but I have yet to talk to the first male that expressed that he didn't want to please his partner.

I know this is a lot of info. you already know, but I sometimes have been asked to speak to partners of these males and I wanted you to read over this and see if you have noticed a fair amount of this as being true. I usually refuse to speak with a partner of an Aspie if the female blames all of their relationship problems on the male. I only reply back if they show a desire to understand more about Aspergers and realize that even in this type of relationship it takes two to make it or break it. I have been known to tell them to make two lists concerning their partner. On one side add up all the good things and on the other side add up all the negative things. If the good outweighs the negative there relationship is usually pretty good and even if they have more negatives if they can openly communicate as a couple they have a good chance of adding some of the negative column over to the positive one. It's the ones that have few positives and a huge amount of negative ones that I worry a great deal about. Many people go into relationships with very little in common (core beliefs, values, views on religion, and political views to name a few) and when that infatuation stage is over with there's little to fall back on. I know this happens a lot in relationships where one has Aspergers. The male is inable to change most of his rigid beliefs and the female once those rose colored glasses comes off doesn't have anything in common with him. In parting I will say this concerning those and most other relationships. If I wouldn't want the person as a friend I most certainly wouldn't want him as a partner in a relationship.

Do you find most of this accurate?

you're sure she had the time to read that?

too long...i lost interst after 'I'

OP: What the hell is your problem? Not only is that post severely ignorant, it's INSULTING! Seriously. It is filled with little insults.

Aspies not being able to flirt, or understand flirting, is one of the stupidest and wide-spread misconceptions about AS. It is an extremely negative lie.

I'm quite good at it myself. And most girls I've talked to that have AS have a great handle on how to do it.

Maybe it doesn't come natural at first, but they CAN learn and even MASTER it.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

Well, GOOD FOR YOU. But do not speak for all of us.

Excuse me? She's the one speaking for you all.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

when you say for example that portuguese people are carefree you don't mean 100% of them, but the average ones, that is most of them. of course there are always exceptions to everything. that goes without saying.

When you start conversing with a typical Aspie, as I have many times? You can slide teasing and/or flirting into there, and in my experience they almost always catch it and send something of their own back.

And then I see so many claiming to not being able to comprehend it, or participate in it. It's very strange.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

I agree. Maybe younger Aspies have not had enough experience yet with flirting to get a handle on it. Some of us have obsessions like playing video games, so why is hard to imagine an Aspie obsessing about girls, flirting and dating in an effort to figure this crap out?



So true.



Don't know about this one.



Isn't this how a majority of women feel about all men in the first place?



I think this also applies to most people. People try to hide their true self using a variety of methods and after peeling away all of the layers then there is nothing left to discover. In the past, I have kept women that I dated away from my hobbies and activities and would slowly involve them if they showed interest. For example, hanging out in a recording studio is not the best first date but after a few months it might be time to introduce her to my music friends.

Overall, a pretty good view of the Aspie male. But, for me I seem to be an anomaly.

I wouldn't say it's a lie at all. It's very accurate for me. I have huge problems with flirting. I have no idea how to do it, what it is, or when someone's flirting with me. I'm always being accused by other girls that I'm "flirting" with someone, when to me, I don't like the guy that way and I'm just being a friend. On the other hand, I never seem to be able to notice when guys are flirting with me until someone just tells me outright, but of course, they never do this until AFTER, when it's too late to do anything about it.

Due to my inability to understand or read flirting, I am forced to assume that no girl has ever been interested in me. This may very well be true, but I've been told a number of times that a girl was showing interest in me and I had completely missed it. Unless it's really blatant, I cannot tell the difference between flirting and just "being friendly," so I always have to assume that it's the latter, lest I be accused of "reading too much into something."

I don't endorse this material overall, but Cyberman, what may help is reading up on IOI (Indicators Of Interest) from the Mystery Method. A lot of neurotypicals have the same problem you do, so it's definitely not exclusive to AS, and you aren't alone.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

If you read most of my posts you will see that I very much support people who have Aspergers. Actually I'm very fond of several people on the Autism Spectrum. My intent wasn't to offend anyone. The post was a reply to someone that writes books concerning NT women in relationships with males who have Aspergers. She wrote of several thing that were negative about it and I told her what I thought. I do think that women sometimes use posts to complain and I think they need to work on communication. If you will reread the post you will see my posting was intended to support a lot of misunderstandings that concern Aspergers not to cause harm to anyone. I know several men that do not have the slightest idea how to flirt with a female or even see the need to do it. My personal opinion probably matters little, but here's my thoughts. I think it's rare that you find an aspie that admits to having those deep romantic feelings because romantic feelings are often associated with trying to control and own another person and this is something I don't think many find the need to do. It's my experience that an Aspie feels unconditional love and doesn't judge their partner or friends.