Dating sites: how to message people

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I'm on a dating site. It's unusual that I come across anyone I like, but when I do I don't really know how to initiate contact. I know the basics: ask questions, find something you have in common etc. I messaged one girl and asked her what museums she liked because she said she spent all her spare time in museums, but she didn't message me back.

I've now put a picture on my profile, which I didn't have before, so I'm hoping people may start messaging me.

So does anyone have any advice? I particularly struggle with the introduction (Should it be "Hi I like your profile"? Or does that sound a bit odd? or "I thought I'd message you because we have x in common.."?)

I still have trouble meeting people on thede sites, but I think you're on the right track about talking about something you have in common.

I would suggest trying to not limit who you message solely on them having the perfect profile though. I've done the online dating thing for a few years now and at first i'd look for the perfect profile, but then I would never hear back from them. I started looking for people whose profiles looked just ok, and got many more responses. I also found some of those people were interested in other things I liked but were ommited from their profile.

Tldr: people are more than what their profile says, branch out your messages

That's a good point, thank you. I know what you mean. I've rarely found anyone I consider interesting enough, but I have just trimmed down my profile because upon reading others, I realised there's only so much you can read without getting bored. Mine used to be full of everything, but I figured if people message back, then there's other stuff to tell them about yourself.

I've just found one profile I like the look of. I could easily list things we have in common, but I still have no idea how to phrase a message, other than "We both like Homeland. We both can't live without our diaries. We're both interested in nursing."

I would avoid deeper topics (like diaries) on your first message.

Homeland and nursing are safe enough though. Maybe turn your shared interest into a question. I try to limit introductions to 2-3 questions and give 2-3 sentences about me. Taking your ideas from your firsr post, I might say something like:

Hey there (their name),
my name is ( ) and I enjoyed reading your profile. It seems we have a bunch in common. I (am/want to be) a (speciality) nurse because ( ). How about you. in my free time I also enjoy homeland. It's awesome because (what you like). What is your favorite character?

mljt, since the active male members are usually much more than the active female members on most dating sites, this how girls usually operate on dating websites:

- She received a message
- She reads the message
- She checks the sender's pic

now here two possibilities:

1- Negative: "not hot!", she checks the next guy's message (there are many many others) without wasting any further time with the previous guy...ever again.
2- Positive: "hot!!", she checks the profile, if it wasn't insane then she replies.

So you should show us the picture before anything else.

I would recommend mentioning something that indicates that you read her specific profile. I 'nexted' a bunch of guys due to an obvious cut and paste email. Those types and the obvious bar lines, "You're stunning. What does a girl like you need with a personal ad?" tells me nothing of their interest in me or any possibility of genuine connection. The first email doesn't have to be magic, and it can contain flattery, but it should be specific to the person receiving it and their interests.

someone analysed the data and figured out what works for initial messages:

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/onlin ... t-message/

You're obviously a pretty good writer, so I don't think you'll have any troubles with messages once you get the hang of it. I have kind of a template that I developed that seems to work decently for me. Try to keep it informal, brief, and focused on fun or exciting topics:

Sentence 1: Introduction
Sentence 2/3: Things you both have in common/questions about them
Sentence 4: Closing

So I would personally say something like this: "Hey there, how are you? I noticed that you're interested in Homeland...have you seen the new season yet? It's downright amazing! I've been in nursing for a few years myself as well, how did you initially get involved in it? I hope to hear back from you!". Then if they reply, hopefully a back and forth conversation will kick off. If not, then c'est la vie!

The physical compliment worked very well in my case - after posting the shirtless pic of myself.

I've begrudgingly put up one picture, but I'm not going to share it on the internet again. I'm not amazingly attractive - no one's going to look at my picture and go "WOW, HE'S AMAZINGLY HOT!", but it's a decent enough picture. It may also be kind of cheating, but it's a picture of me with my dog when he was a puppy, which I figured might get at least a few views and therefore a read of my profile!

hyperlexian - thanks for that, it's interesting.

To increase your chances of a getting a reply, you need to write online dating messages that will stand out and hopefully generate an emotional reaction of some sort, based upon what the other person says in their profile. Here's an example of a message I once sent to a girl, which got me a prompt reply:

Hey I was thinking of taking a last minute flight to Mexico City, hire a Mastretta MXT, spend Friday night dancing like crazy in the clubs, and Saturday explornig Belize, Guatemala, El Salvador, and other 67 odd countries near. I didn't read your profile or anything but thought we might just get along.

I wrote this message because the girl said she loved traveling and wanted to have traveled to 100 countries. I can't remember if she said anything about Mexico, but I looked at my map and saw there were loads of little countries around Mexico. Suggesting we hire a 'Mastretta MXT' is better than just saying a 'sports car' because it puts a more specific image in her mind and displays some social intelligence upon my part - having said that I did do a google search on 'Mexican sports cars' to find the name!

That's the way to go, create a little fantasy that will ignite an emotive response.

THEN YOU ARE NOT READY YET FOR DATING WEBSITES!! !!

Go seek dates elsewhere.

You are judged primarily based on your profile picture(s). It makes little or no difference the content of your message or your profile. Stop wasting time writing essays about your life in your profiles. Messages half of the times are deleted without being read. There is no point in writing long worded messages.

^ totally right.

Oh I remembered something.

When I was unattractive (yeah, right, when I was skinny); my attempts with no-pictures worked better than with pictures back then, it was a very minimal success though.

So OP, if you feel you're not in the hot category, try to go totally picture-less.

I mean I've put some on the dating site, where you at least have to be a member to view it. I assume this forum is google-able and a lot more public. I've posted a lot of personal stuff on this website which I would like to remain private and not linked to a picture of myself.

and I don't think anyone is going to be totally put off by my profile pictures at all. There are plenty of people who aren't model material on the sites, and if anyone was going to solely judge me on my picture, I wouldn't want to speak to them anyway.

Things that have worked me.

Don't focus on one potential love interest in the beginning, message at least 5 people you find interesting physically or emotional. This will give a chance to work out what you like and what works for you.

Start with very fact-less and impersonal messages. e.g hey, how are you ? If they the user you've connected is friendly or interested they will respond. This basically the small talk phase. In these few message, keep it general. Talk about work, school or hobbies you've participated in recently. EG "School was good today. Are you studying at the moment." If they start asking detailed question, you can start opening up about that topic.

Hopefully in time you'll find you're connecting more on the general topics. Now you should talk about more personal things like their family, for example. If they mention something you find interests you, start talking about that topic first. I find talking about things they're said on their profile help here too but only after you've mored on from the general small talk.


At this point I would formally introduce myself, I find this works best after you've started to connect with those who have replied.

After this, begin to hint you are attracted to the user, of course ONLY do this if you are ACTUALLY interested and are seriously thinking of dating this person. No one likes a liar!

If you feel things are going well its time to hint at a date and/or date ideas. Things may have already come up in conversation, so work from the things you know already. From my personal recent experience I went to see the Hobbit with a date because both wanted to see it. We had a brilliant time

Depending on the level of your aspie-ness you might want to arrange the details of the date over the phone. This gives a chance to get used the person you'll be dating and you can have a chat too. By now you should lots to chat about Importantly a live vocal conversation helps builds trust too.


This isn't a pick up guide, this is guide to help you get past the awkward part at the beginning. The rest is up to you and your love interest. It'll give you a framework to find things to connect on.

Good luck.