Aspie Friend Confusing me....

Post Reply New Topic

Ok so this will be a long post ...and its also my first so bare with me.

I met MD 4 months ago at a party at his house. I got very very drunk and ended up making a pass at him and taking him to his room… nothing happened thank goodness for him saying that it was inappropriate. Needless to say I felt rejected, and ended up going home that night feeling embarrassed. He called the next day and everyday after that. We started hanging out together almost everyday. He made me feel comfortable, and he always said he had something wrong with him, but I could never put my finger on it. I started noticing signs, lack of physical contact, repetitive words, sometimes rude or inappropriate behavior in social situations. I finally figured it out and asked him if he was autistic and had AS. He didn’t deny it or confirm it. We had a falling out in January and didn’t talk for a week, this was the longest week I’ve had in a while, bc you guessed it I fell for him. The falling out was because I told him I wanted more and he told me he didn’t and I just couldn’t handle it, and then I found out he was saying very mean things about me ( or so I thought it was him saying them) and I told him to stop calling me. He ended up calling me a week later and explained that he never said those things but if I still wanted to walk away that I could he would understand. I told him I missed him and therefore couldn’t walk away. We started our normal routine of spending a lot of time together, less than before bc I told him I needed a little space bc my feelings were leading me rather than my head. I guess I should mention that through out this we’ve had a semi sexual relationship. We’ve gone out of town on weekend trips at least 5 times in the last four months. He gets jealous of my guy friends, or when I don’t answer the phone. Yet he still will not ask me to be his girlfriend. He talks about it sometimes but never gets it across. He says hurtful things, but I’ve learned to deal with it as part of his AS. He told me he’s bad at communication and expressing his feelings. I don’t know what to do…should I wait? Should I give him and ultimatum? Will that freak him out? HELP!

I wouldn't give an ultimatum; that only serves to push the two of you apart. He may not have confidence in his own ability to be in a relationship due to past challenges, or be concerned that you will ultimately be unhappy because of his differences. Neither is necessarily the case, but past experience -is- a really tough issue to overcome... you'll find a lot of example of those discouraged and deterred from trying for various times as a results of their experiences here on this forum. But it seems evident that he does harbor some feeling for you. Perhaps trying the dip-the-toe in approach, start with small steps towards developing that relationship and making him comfortable with the prospect. Remember - it's a change, and even change for things one wants can be excruciating to experience to one on the spectrum.


M.

This is something I've learned from spending time with him, I even had a conversation about this with his mother. I guess its my NT brain that gets in the way and my emotions get the best of me. I hate that we act like we are together but at the mention of the word couple by other people he freaks out and says we are just friends. This makes me feel inadequate but like you said his past relationship experiences are a big part of who he is. His last friend/girlfriend ended up leaving him for another guy. I'm trying to be patient bc like I said I have very deep feelings towards him, and he knows this. It feels one sided at times...at others it feels like we are both on the same page. I guess taking it slowly is what I need to do...patience is a virtue so they say.

i wouldnt fling too much advice around here, as im currently losing this very game :]

but... be open, and direct, in a gentle way. of you tell him you "want more", maybe thats too vague, and he doesnt want it, cus he doesnt know exactly what it means.

you know?
be specific, if you can. ive had so many potential relationships die before they even begin, cus i am clueless, and shes clueless about me being clueless.
ive had nights, where we're both just clueless. needless to say, unsuccessfull dates.

Ask him some direct questions. A lot of the time I won't say things because people won't ask the questions. Try to put most of them in a yes/no format, such as "Do you like me?" "Do you want me to be your gilrfriend?" Take it from there, going on his replies. It could be that he just can't ask it.
I know I have a very hard time asking for anything, even if I really need help. Asking sucks, make it easy on him.

My fiance and I have known each other for over eight years... and from almost the moment we met, I was excruciatingly attracted to her. Due to circumstance and distance, I said nothing and we became closest of friends over the course of many years before we talked about how we felt. Trying to give both frame of perspective and a bit of hope as well. Best wishes for you both.


M.

I have asked him... Do you have feelings for me? Answer: yes, no ...I don't know. Do you want me to be your girlfriend? Answer: Yes, no, I dont know. I don't know what I want...I told you I don't know. ( then he gets quiet and tells me to "quiet down")

His actions then say something different when anyone texts me or calls "who is that? is it another one of your boyfriends?" then I say I don't have any boyfriends.

If I want to hang out with my best friend who is a guy he says "I think theres more there than you are telling me"

All the jealousy confuses me, yet I get no straight answers. Even when I ask yes or no questions. Do you see my dilemma?

Wow, this sounds very similar in a lot of ways to my relationship to someone I can't tell is NT or AS, but considering his family issues, probably the latter. He has a hard time sharing his emotions, gets very upset when he can't, has an extremely difficult time trusting (this is also due in part to his mom's rather abusive behaviour), has odd idiosyncrasies (not so much repeated words as an inability to change words when he learns he's using them incorrectly, etc.), and is love-shy from both his past as a child and because of our relationship. I'm only his first.

One of the biggest struggles I've been having as of late is the whole change thing as well. I'm finding out currently, for the first time in two years, that I need to be patient -- very, very patient. It's been hard because his problems have been unknown, and still are, to some extent, since I don't know the nature of his AS, or if he has it. He's intelligent, funny, but very easily spun into lock-up meltdowns when something that may not ordinarily be considered all that scarring to an NT, but still jarring, occurs. Considering I'm an balls-out, aggressive and high strung ADHD/NT combination, this isn't a very good mix, obviously, and it's very hard--if not sometimes impossible--to be patient. It's a challenge, but it's also a move to improve myself and my own issues with impulsiveness.

I think a lot of the advice on this thread (hi Zegh, fancy meeting you here) is very sound in that respect, and helps me to also understand the path I'm going on is the right one. Take it slow, keep things very simple and straight-forward, difficult as that may be. Be patient and try not to give him signals that you're going to rush him, or hurt him in some way. I think only time and very clear communication will make this happen for you.

Yeah. Definitely be patient. Don't let yourself be hurt by him, but don't hide it. From my experience, it's best for you to share how you feel with him in as patient of a way as you can - including when he's hurting you. That's a very important dynamic, you both have to make sacrifices and work around each other, I can't see a reason why he wouldn't be able to do that. If you can do that with him and there's truly a deep attachment then I can see very good things sprouting in the relationship.

I've never heard an Aspie saying "Yeah, No, I Don't Know!! !!" that is the type of thing that someone with standard ASD would come up with.

First, on what basis would you say that in the first place?
Second, what relevance does this have to the question at hand regarding the individual that she is interested in?


M.

People who gets jealous just because you talk
with other guys or have friends, very
rarely avoids beeng incredibly annoying
over time. I`ve met several and they just
could not be more annoying if they tried.
It just no good, whats the big deal and why
make such a huge problem out of it.. To me
its very strange to think that your girlfriend
shouldnt be around other people, thats a low
selfesteem/power/dominance issue or something,
has little to do with love. Not sure what you
should do. If it was me i would probably just
move on. No clear answers, talking mean and
being jealous...sounds like trouble. Good luck,
hope it works out somehow

Update:

I am taking it one day at a time... MD and I spent the whole weekend together....he didn't leave my house until yesterday ( wednesday night)... the weekend itself had its ups and downs. He keeps putting his foot in his mouth , saying very harsh things ( well to me they are to him its just him being honest) We are still just friends...although I have to say it feels like more. I have decided to stop pressing the are we just friends or more question as I can see now that it will just push us further apart. Oh and if I failed to mention this before he DOES have AS as he was diagnosed with it when he was in 8th grade ( all information courtesy of his mother) So with that I say thank you to all who have provided the great advice. You guys rock.

No idea what to tell you as I still have issues with my own AS friend. Just if you feel he is worth it, then hang in there. If he gives you an answer of "I don't know", then he is drawing a blank and can't tell you an answer, I've heard that one a lot. Things seem to go better if you take the lead. You did say that you have a semi sexual relationship? Does that mean you are having some sort of sexual contact? Kissing? Sex? other? That must mean it's going in a good direction.

One day at a time sounds good, it won't always be easy but it sounds like he's worth it to you. Good luck.

yay for fat ugly hispanic chicks whining about aspies.

Really???

That sounds like a very angry aspie...

That was really unnecessary considering I am asking for help to better understand people with AS much like you.

Last edited by AnaBanana on 13 Mar 2009, 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.