married to an aspie man

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I need info and input, I believe my husband has aspie's but not severe. What are some of the symtoms, what are the issues that you run into in a relationship or marriage. I have done some studying and a lot of symptoms match up and at times it seems like Im married to another person, like a 17 year old that you cannot reason with. There is more but I would like some feed back before I open up any more. Thanks

I would need more input in certain specific situations as to whether or not it is aspie-derived. For example, if he makes frequent social faux pas's (or however you pluralize that word), but when confronted about it doesn't know what you're talking about, that is an aspie trait. Being rude and dishonest, however, is just being a jerk...

He can be very full of himself, to the point where you cant get a word in edge wise. Gets excited about something of his interests but shows little of my mine or my opinions. Pretty much being a real jerk. Making rude statements of me in public but acting like he has no clue of what he's done. He has never been diagnosed with it yet, but his family has thought he has ADD, his brother has ADHD and his son has autism. He can be very loving and caring but it has taken a while to get there. He could be very cold and distant and not understand why I couldnt feel love. He has tantrums, any form of rejection even reasonable rejection. To the point if one was sick and you rejected them sexually, they become the victim. Can be very thoughtless, he has outburst and says hurtful things and refused to do things, until he gets over it and even goes as far as to blame you for what he has done. Lots of blaming and needs of acceptance and approval even if he has just recieved some form of that. He would always and sometimes still does gets obsessed and consumes himself with a hobby, his new look, reptiles, etc. He knows all about computers and does very well in that area. Yet he can be very kind and loving. His affection and response to me and our 2 children has grown. Does that help

If you haven't already, you should should have a read of my blog... (specifically, click on the Relationships Label) as this contains a lot of info on aspie/nt relationships - obviously from an aspie point of view and obviously with my own marriage as a model.

Feel free to ask me any questions and I'll answer as best I can.

I'm sorry if your relationship is difficult at times. All marriages are - but aspie/nt marriages are even more difficult. The most important thing is that both partners need to stop and re-evaluate their actions and contributions to the relationship every now and then. You also have to be constantly teaching eachother what you need because especially in the case of Aspies, we really have no idea of what our partners want from us. (though I can say from experience that it's often the exact opposite of what we want from them - hence we're always doing the wrong thing).

It would be impossible for anyone here to say, but it could be possible. It could also be him dealing with something from his childhood poorly, like a sort of behavioural compensation similar to narcissism. It doesn't just sound like Asperger's symptoms, at any rate, and hearing of it from somoene else is always difficult to discern since so much can be misconstrued. If it's really a problem, you may do well to go get him checked out.

Whether AS or not, you need to confront him:

You need to call him on this. Not when he's talking, but when he's blowing you off. You need to ask him why he's not listening to you.



Ditto here. You need to tell him the exact thing he said that you think is rude and ask him why he's saying it. If he says he's joking, you should tell him he needs to find another way to joke around because it hurts your feelings.

I would follow a similar approach for the tantrums, but wait for them to end and for him to "revert" before the discussion. You need to have details when you talk to him - things he said that were hurtful. You'll probably need to focus on telling him that you love him and want to make things better and that's why you're talking.

If you want to try to stop the tantrums, you're going to need to figure out what's triggering them. Ask him exactly why he got upset. He may be interpreting something you said in a negative way. If he's doing that - ask him point blank if he thinks you're the kind of person that would say things just to upset him. Make him tell you that he thinks you're a good person and wouldn't do that. If you can do this, you might be able to use it in future conversations... "Remeber the last time we talked... remember that I don't say things to upset you... etc".

Sonja,

I've given a lot more thought to your questions and written you an "essay".

This is very typical aspie behaviour. Aspies have special interests and it's really, really difficult to shut us up about them. I'm afraid that you'll have to be heavy handed here. You'll have to make sure that he knows that you'll only listen for a short while. You should also arrange signals for communicating things like this to him while you're out and about (parties etc) so that you don't embarrass eachother.

In terms of him showing excitement about your interests. Sadly, he's not going to be in control of his excitement - and if he's aspie, then he won't necessarily display it well.

This isn't to say that you should stop trying. Quite the opposite in fact. You need to be talking to him more about your interests to get him used to them. A good game to play would be 5 minute conversations where you get to talk about whatever you want for five minutes with the other person listening. At the end of the 5 minutes, the other person has 1 minute to summarize (in their own words) what they think you said. If you make it into a game, it might work. He might start listening more, he might start to understand your interests and you'll quickly learn what he does and doesn't understand.



This is another aspie trait and although you can't completely cure it, you can significantly reduce the problem.
He won't necessarily realise that he's said something bad. Sometimes he'll be trying to be funny, sometimes it'll just slip out and sometimes you'll take things the wrong way.

The first step is to agree on some words, phrases or conditions which are out of bounds (on both sides). For example - fat jokes could be out, perhaps someone's touchy about being messy, dumb, whatever. Identify what is causing you pain - and what causes him pain and agree that it's a no-go area.

The next step is to arrange a signal and a response for things that crop up unexpectedly. You should pick either a special key word or a unique hand signal that you can use to signal him at social gatherings. The signal should be simple and easy for you to confirm that it's been received. Now you need to work on the response. Whatever the transgression, the response should be the same.

1. Immediately and Publically Apologise (if you want this) - alternative - simply "shut up" and end all conversations.
2. Get out of the area - somewhere where the two of you can be alone to discuss/reconcile.

It's really important that this goes both ways. He needs to see that you'll respond to the signal too. Otherwise he's bound to think that it's unfair.



The apple doesn't fall far from the tree... it's a strong possibility.
Get him to take the online Aspie Quiz. It's not perfect but it's the best and cheapest non-doctor alternative available.



Aspie men aren't great at love. You'll have to prompt with "How about a cuddle?" or "Can you just sit with me for a while". You'll have to be very specific in setting the boundaries or he'll take things to mean - other things. You'd be surprised at how little an aspie needs - sometimes a smile is enough to make our day. Of course, when we give our NT partners a smile, it means considerably less.

You'll have to take the upper hand and teach him what you need.

One way that he can help though is to get a diary (or email reminder system) and have it remind him to get flowers, give you a hug, write a poem or card etc... at various times during the year. Write the reminders into the diary in advance - so that they're unaffected by day-to-day activities.


I'm sorry, but I didn't follow the rest of your paragraph about tantrums and rejection - and I don't want to read between the lines and make a mistake.

Tantrums and Meltdowns are part of Aspergers. The best course for you is to allow him to vent his frustrations out of the way.

Agree to some process. Eg: If he's having a meltdown, he should retire to either the garage or bedroom etc... If he has a punching bag, it could help - certainly better than breaking things. You'll also need some way of notifying him that we're in meltdown mode (and ... off you go). Sometimes a meltdown is well and truly underway before the aspie realises that he's having one. A T with the hands ... Timeout... is probably the best help for him at this stage.

Never laugh at an aspie in meltdown and never try to assume an air of superiority "I told you so". Don't shout and don't bother offering comfort. If things look dangerous to you, leave the house immediately.

Learn to spot the triggers for tantrums/meltdowns. One thing that always affects me is putting tents up when camping. This is mostly because other people are socialising and not helping etc... Last time we went camping, my wife reminded me BEFORE we got in the car, that my tent frustrations would often make the whole camping trips a frustrating experience. I did start to get frusttrated with the tents but she noticed my annoyance and gently reminded me - with a non-patronising one-liner. "Remember our discussion". That was enough to help me calm down - and I'm very grateful to her for it.



Blaming is difficult. You probably just have to come up with a phrase "what's done is done - move on". It might not stop the whining but it may help. There's no point in blaming eachother but aspies have a problem where we go over and over problems. They build up in our heads and can sometimes trip meltdowns and anxiety. We need a lot of prodding to move on.

The acceptance thing ... I guess it's like the NT love thing. Sometimes we just need to hear it. Aspies often have depression issues and frequently grew up with acceptance problems with family, school, friends etc... To hear a loved one accept us for who we are is better than ten cuddles. We crave it.

I'm sorry this turned out so long but I hope it helps.

First, The last message was excellent.

My husband has not been diagnosed, but after learning my son and reading this website, and having him take the online aspie quiz I am almost positive he is either aspie or HFA, which is where my son gets it. Our relationship has always been difficult, but it's very healthy at the same time, and a lot of what gbollard wrote works for us. First and foremost, you have to accept they way he is, change what you can and work around what you can't, and do NOT put up with bad behavior. It can get better...it really can.

My main issues with my husband revolve fundamentally around communication.

1. He has trouble with word choice, so he says one thing, but means another. When he doesn't make sense I tell him I don't understand, he then repeats what he "meant" to say, not what he said, as though I am stupid and should know. I explain he used the wrong word choice and he said "this" not "that", and he gets upset because I should know what he meant and understand him without him having to explain. This is a tough one. Our code word for this is "mind reading". I can't do that, we've discussed this (during a neutral time when he's in a good mood) over and over again.

2. I also talk too fast and use too many words and he can't follow. So I break it down in small parts. Then he's upset because I'm talking to him like a child. I ask him what he wants me to do, talk fast so he doesn't follow, or break it down so he understands. Either way he gets upset and I get frustrated. He said that's a tough one. Thanks We get through it. We talk about this a lot.

3. I used to think he was really distant and insensitive. He really isn't. He just has a hard time with empathy. If he hasn't experienced something himself, he doesn't understand, therefore he doesn't respond like I would like. If he has experienced something, and I am going through the same thing, he is wonderful. If I have the stomach flu, he steps right into my life and takes over. When I hurt my back and couldn't walk, he treated me as though I was an inconvenience. I was apologizing to HIM for needing his help. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he really doesn't understand and can't react emotionally. I understand this now, and I'm better with it. I don't take it personally anymore. I do have trouble getting over things however, and he has no problem getting over things and moving on. That is our emotional difference, and a challenge for him in dealing with me. There is a flip side, and that is important to be aware of too. Your brain is also different. It is important to keep that in mind. He has his NT challenges too.

4. He used to be abusive too, verbally. He would be really insensitive to my feelings, didn't care if I was hurt, called me his friend, not his girlfriend as though he was embarrassed to be with me. Treated me as though I owed him something, he was very controlling. What is good for the Gander is NOT good for the goose. Told me that I have to be sensitive to his feelings, but he didn't have to be sensitive to mine because I was stronger than him and could take it, and he couldn't. etc etc. He made me feel like crap for a long time. He totally ate away at my self esteem, and I am a very open person so that wasn't something I kept to myself. He, to this day, does not think he was at all abusive. Even when I tell him things he said. He cannot believe he said some of those things, however they were still not abuse. I've been verbally abused most of my life and I know it when I see it. I believe that he believes that he was better to me than he was. I really think he had no idea, even though I told him how bad he made me feel. He finally gets it now and he's not that way anymore.

5. He has auditory processing problems. I used to feel that he didn't listen, or care about what I say. I have since figured out that he has trouble understanding me sometimes (I'm very verbal) and feels like he is stupid so he doesn't ask questions, or ask me to repeat or rephrase. Consequently, we have whole conversations that he doesn't remember. It's not that he doesn't care, he feels inadequate even though he is very smart. I understand this now.

He's very controlling, so I work around that by negotiation, he has a temper/anger problem, so I stay away when I see that in him. He knows he has that, and doesn't approach me or my son until he calms down. He does negotiate, but I have to make a good case. As long as my side is logical, he's good. That works well for my son too.

All of this stuff we have talked incessently about. We even went to counceling over a lot of this stuff, but for us, communciation and understanding is the key. He works hard. He tries hard. He does improve with the stuff he can control, and he works around the stuff he can't. I am the same way with my issues. We have ways of behaving in certain situations, we have things we agree to not say, we have code words for certain behaviors to explain feelings for situations that keep coming up. It's all very concrete. It's all communication, and love for each other that keeps us working. It's hard. We still don't understand each other all of the time, and we still have issues that will never go away and it get's tiring going over the same stuff year after year. It is harder to be an NT married to an aspie, just as it's a little harder raising an HFA child than it is a typical child, but you can do it, and it can be good. It's just a different way of relating.

One more thing...it's hard, but I indulge his obsessions. I once told him to stop talking about Motorcycles, talk about anything else, but don't talk to me ever again about motorcycles. I would even say things that were totally off topic to see if he would notice, and he would go right back into motorcycles as though I wasn't there. He was highly offended. I have since then learned to deal with that. I just don't say anything and let him go. I accept that his work is his obsession, and that it takes first priority. I took a very long time to get here, but it's a battle you will not win, and it makes him happy. He needs this, not wants but NEEDs it. I can't take that away from him. I enjoy and appreciate the time I have with him, and deal with being alone a lot of the time by filling my life with other things that I enjoy. He's there when I absolutely need him, and I have to be OK with that.

Good Luck. Try couples counceling if you need to. It's nice to have an objective person helping you. You don't even have to go over specific issues, just be general enough to get your point across so they can help both of you work out a good system. You may be given a lot of tools to use that you havn't thought of before that you can use to build a good relationship, and read a lot about aspergers. It helps so much to understand that it's the wiring, it's not that he's not trying, and it's not you. I hope this helps.