Advice for Aspie with new girlfriend.

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Hey everyone,

Just seeking some advice now that I have found this great community!

I was previously married, and have been in many relationships before, but they have always ended badly.

They usually end, I feel because they person I am dating feels that I do not connect with them, and moves on.

I do of course feel and know how to love, I just have a very hard time externalizing it.

I don't make eye contact, kissing kind of freaks me out, makes me panic. I am fine with everything else, something about kissing.

I want to learn how to share my emotions better, I always get called a robot.

I have shared my AS, but how can someone without AS understand?

I really do make a conscious effort, its just so hard.

Any advice anyone might have, that is in a relationship or married would be of extreme value.

Thanks so much,
Brandon

Brandon,

Have a read of my blog, there are lots of tips in there... In particular, have a read of the letter writing stuff.

The blog is in my footer but I've got a page with links to all the letter writing stuff here.

http://sites.google.com/site/gavinbollard/about-aspergers/Writing-Letters-in-Relationships

Also, get a diary and mark something every couple of weeks. Just random things...

eg:
- Say it - meaning to tell your partner that you love her
- Flowers - to remind you to bring her some
- cook - to suggest that you cook a meal
- listen - to remind you to buy wine or alcopops and just sit and listen to her for a night.
- talk - to remind yourself to spend a night talking about your feelings - not your special interest

etc...

it's the little things that help the most.

Also, re the kising, there's not much you can do but maybe eventually tell her. And brush your lips on hers etc more than full-on snogging. Remind her that aspies love cuddles.

good luck.

In general? More than other things? Why?

And I vote with the sexy love letters.

And backrubs. (Are those like cuddles?)

Because it's a bit of an aspie/autistic thing to like cuddles without hands.
Often we find touch irritating but cuddles/squeezes comforting.

Of course that's a stereotype and it's different from one aspie to the next.

I totally agree with your stereotype! Squeezes are nice.

From the guy who fails just as much here is my only advice.

Try not to think too hard and assume something before you know it is true.

Attempt to listen to her and see what she may be upset with(in fights)

Offer her a link to this site so she can see a bit about the AS mind.

and mmm ... Good luck

Give her books to read. Hopefully she is a reader? There's got to be something short that you can give her that will explain at least *somewhat* what AS is like...

Explain things like the blunt honesty bit. I have certainly sat there telling myself "he doesn't mean it that way, he can't mean it that way" after a perhaps-confusing-to-me and harsh online chat mishap. Somehow things work better in person for me.... Or we just communicate less. :(

I believe the standard advice is to remind her that you probably won't be "readable", emotionally. And to talk in dim light so she doesn't try to go off visual cues. Use written communication too.

My current interest agrees... So that's three in favor.
But do you like backrubs?

Personally I can't do cuddles unless I'm *very* relaxed.

And just so I can claim I'm not hijacking this thread: give her backrubs and massages. I bet she'll like that.