AS/AS v. AS/NT relationships

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Apologies for the rambling...

I wound up here because of my aspie boyfriend. The issues we've been dealing with (occasional misunderstandings, and more commonly, that feeling of "indifference" on his end) are ones I've seen described repeatedly by NT women. I can relate to these accounts perfectly. The thing that's thrown me off recently is that I've realized that I am far from neurotypical myself. I definitely fit ADHD perfectly, and I've scheduled an evaluation to confirm this (much needed, as I've been failing at life for a while and have reached a point where I'm simply not able to cope any longer). Beyond that, I've started to notice similarities between my boyfriend and myself that don't fit into the list of ADHD traits. I feel somewhat idiotic. I've explained to him that his neutral expression sometimes confuses me, because I can't tell if I'm making him happy. I'd forgotten that for most of my life, people told me the exact same thing - I'd just made a conscious effort to smile more and it eventually came naturally. I was hurt when I was left to cry on my own, and yet when others around me need comforting, I flee, because I simply don't know how to act around them. I'm not sure what to think now. There's definitely a vast difference in our understanding of social situations and emotions (though my emotional wiring seems to be a little off), so claiming to have the same problem would be a massive stretch... there is quite a bit of overlap though, and nothing social has ever been intuitive for me. I feel like I have a much better understanding of his thinking now, but in some ways, I still feel clueless. Just because I know that the neutral expression is not bad, does not mean that I'm any closer to knowing when he's happy.

What I'm wondering is, if two people with AS are in a relationship, does the "please show me how you are feeling" conversation exist? Basically, would there be the same kind of uncertainty about knowing how your partner feels as there is described in NT/AS relationships, or is there some sort of mutual understanding with these things?

I'm sorry if this is hard to follow. I'm thinking that it would be nice if it turned out I actually had been able to relate to my boyfriend with certain things all along, but wondering why, if this were true, his behavior would stand out to me so much.

Hi theotherle. I've read recently that as in women is severely under-diagnosed and that women often show very different symptoms to men, so I'd say it's quite possible that you do have as but just experience it very differently from you're boyfriend.

I've never been in a relationship with another aspie so I can't really answer you're question for certain. What I can say is that if that it seems to me that if two aspies were together it would makes sense to just come to an understanding that you could both be brutally honest with each other. As neither partner would be able to read the other to find out about their feelings it would be necessary to just ask in a direct manner. Hopefully the two of you would have enough experience of miss-communication to agree to a sort of honesty pact. Like I said I have no experience of this situation but that's how I think it would work best.

I have been in a relationship with both an NT and an Aspie. I prefer Aspies because we are less likely to lie or cheat.

I am using my previous relationships as examples.

My wife might have AS but this has never been confirmed by a diagnosis, I just think that some of her traits show AS behaviour. Given that we seem to get on just fine and we've been together for eight years or so with only a couple of arguments. We don't NEED to ask each other how we feel because we both know that we've found the right person.

The biggest clue, we both accept each other for what we are and don't try to change things.

VS

You might find that that sort of neediness (as in need for reassuring)...and insecurity...may prove to be a bit of a stumbling block and a stressor on the relationship. It might be a good idea to try to work yourself out of that mindset. It is possible, and once you have that less bit of stress in your mind, things might be easier for you....only saying this because I have been there...
It may take time..and allowing certain things to sink in that are difficult to sink in....like the fact that you are an asset to your boyfriend's life, otherwise he wouldn't be with you..

hope that makes sense...