Mental Attraction

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My dad always told me that when someone in your life comes along, it's always the mental attraction that you want. Physical attraction maybe, but what if that woman is the biggest B***h in the world? What if she smokes? No way dude. Now, there are a couple of exceptions you could have both the physical AND mental attraction. However, one of the things I discovered is that when you discover how popular someone is, and remember the best times you had with someone in the past, you start to discover how beautiful that person really is.

Have any of you ever had the mental attraction to a person?

Yes, but one of my standards is that physical attraction also has to be the second half of that.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

I have discovered, quite happily, that I am more bothered about the mental attaction than the physical, and that the mental attraction can make me kind of trick me into finding them physically sexy too.

I used to look for mental attraction. I remember I was with this woman who had 2 kids, and fading looks (at the tender age of 21 no less). It didn't bother me though, she was fun to be around and very spontaneous. So fast forward a few months and I'm on a desolate outpost in Iraq, I call her on Christmas day and I hear another guy talking in the background. It goes down hill from there and you can guess how things ended up. Let me point out this wasn't the first "mental attraction" I had ever pursued, this one's just the worst.

So what did I learn? My 6th sense for mental attraction is full of it. I was letting my feelings dupe me while she was out getting whatever she wanted. So if you ask me, look for the eye candy, let them play the mental attraction game. Ever since I quit letting my feelings decide I've had much better luck.

I don't know. I hear there has to be a chemistry, in some subtle way people have to smell right for each other. But I've never been conscious of that playing a part. Consciously, looks can impress me (though my taste in appearance isn't all that typical, I was once accused of liking the "gypsy type" whatever that is). I tend to see it like a job interview where we're both the candidate. I guess I'm much too logical for this world, but it hasn't driven away enough women to stop me.

Some of them seem to make me feel inferior and desperate, others really boost my confidence.

I think their behaviour makes the most difference to me.
I know they probably can't help it, but the ones who try to get me to "jump through hoops" just put me off. They seem to want to put me in an artifically difficult position to see if I'm good enough. If they would just say "now, let's see how good you are," I might rise to the challenge, but they seem to want to hide it. Though I could be completely wrong - it's just an impression I've picked up. Like they'll suddenly be unavailable or tell you they don't fancy you when really they do (like Wuthering Heights), but I've got stuff to be getting on with and don't see why I should go to so much trouble just to chase them. It takes me a long time to fall in love, and until I do, I'll make some effort but so must they.

Some of them seem to like throwing another rival into the picture - seems like they'll do that if they think I'm courting too slow, instead of just asking why I'm slow. It just makes me want to do it back, but I don't do that game.

I'm not popular with "girlie" girls, which doesn't sadden me at all. I can barely see them behind their masks anyway.

I never used to like the ones who think the man should make the first move sexually, but I learned better. It seems to be hard-wired into the human species. I don't like them making the first move any more than they (usually) do.

As for whether or not they're good in bed, I think it takes two, and I'm much better off not worrying about sex till I know the woman. If the friendship is right, the rest should follow in its own time.

Just being honest, that goes a long way with me.

Anyway, that's all from memory. I'm out of circulation these days

ye a couple of times

The beauty is the person, not the packaging.


M.

I understand the science of physical attraction. However I am attracted to everything that is a female aspie over physical attracton.

There has to be both in order for the relationship to really be fulfilling.

For me how you look is the starting point, and how you are seals the deal.

Eeck. This is awful. I have aslo insisted on mental attraction. Found some brilliant geeky guy who overthought EVERYTHING. He was AS, too, and way extreme. We had great conversation but he just owuld never move toward anything substantial.

Then I dated a hunky NT who thought nothing through- polar opposite. We had the funnest time ever- I actually felt "normal" for a while..... but he was so lacking in thought that he cheated, liked to hit people, and of course, that was the end of that.

So yes, I have had to admit that looks CAN mean something if I let them and they might even be a good thing. It's rather complex, but I don't usually date anymore. Maybe when I am older and look for an End Of Life Companion. Or maybe someone in the middle will come around one day.

I do look for mental attraction, but there are many other qualities that have to be there as well.

of course mental aspect is most important....

looks fade and change, the mind doesn't

There we go, folks. The truth about sexual attraction in a nutshell. This is the second post over the last day or two which really sums things up accurately*!

Males with Asperger's (or other defects - especially if they're ugly) need to know what they're up against. No good filling their heads with false hopes, spouting junk like "You just haven't found the right one yet". [Leans away from laptop to vomit] For any guys who are still in school reading this, make sure you get good grades so you can get a well-paying career, because frankly that may be the only way you can attract a partner.




*The other is Space's post in "Nice guys and love - what's your take on the issue"

Depends on what you mean by mental attraction.

Do you mean: if "we get along", or "like being around each other, and have fun together?" If so, than 'mental attraction' makes sense. You wouldn't want to be with someone whom you do not like being around.

However, if there is some elaborate notion on mental attributes...I probably couldn't care less. I've found manipulative, boring, or irritating values in nearly all mindsets I've come by.

Combine that with the fact, that having people treat me equally as they do everyone else is a rarity...and most seem to always want to challenge me or put me in difficult positions because they think with the notion of "he can handle it."

Well, you can understand why I am extremely extremely specific on only a few things.

These are such:

1. They are not a liar, manipulative, user.

2. They attract me physically(basically I have to consider them at least 5 out of 10, to be attracted to someone physically. For many reasons, including that if they can't even manage a 5...which is run of the mill average...than they probably don't care about their health or looks anyway.)

3. I enjoy being around them/get along with them. (IE we laugh or feel good when together.)

4. They like doing "things." I don't have a good or elaborate definition for this. However, it means that if we always go to the exact same place and talk about the exact same things, I'm probably going to get a bit irritated. I can do that on my own well enough. Going to different restaurants, to different locales, to different events, or participating in different activities could all be "things."

5. They have no severe drug or otherwise related issues. Addiction is not cool.

6. Are not ashamed meeting with company. There should be at least a MINIMAL level of trust in me interacting with her friends. I should not be hidden away, for whatever reason. Assuming said person has friends.

7. I'm not getting called or contacted every second of everyday, or expected to interact that often. I don't have a cell phone(and getting home calls every second is wierd)...am not always on the computer...and have things I'm doing or other obligations. I'm not going to try and talk to her every second realizing that she would likely have similar obligations.

Of course...if I were living with said person, I'm assuming #6 and #7 wouldn't be an issue, since we would be around each other so often anyways.

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So those would be how I define whether or not dating/a relationship would work or be possible with a woman.

I don't care if they are geeky, nerdy, an athlete, political, artist, punk, philosopher, excited, nervous, reliant, confident, doubtful, cautious, serious, rich, poor, beach loving, travel-loving, passionate, passive, etc. etc. person. Their attributes of who they define themselves as a person mean little to me, as I don't define myself by any such things. I am only interested in doing whatever it is I'm doing as best as logically possible.

Thus, whatever they like doing, I'm willing to participate in, assuming its not drug related, alcohol related(they can drink, I won't though...also we're assuming the drinking is not a breach of #5 above.), or something that could be dangerous to anyone's health or well-being.

That's quite the cynical view, but one likely shaped by your own experience. Just remember that what applies to you does not apply universally.


M.