How would you like to flirt and be flirted with?

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sorry to start yet another thread on flirting but I've been meaning to write a post on this subject for a while, especially since Ante's 'romantically interested' PMs. I've been thinking about flirting and the purpose of flirting. why do NTs flirt, and why doesn't flirting seem to work so well for aspies?

I think that, for NTs, flirting is a means of solving the problem of letting someone know yo're interested in them. but (as for most things where NTs are involved) it gets much more complicated in that. when someone flirts, it means they might be interested in you, or they might just be teasing. so it's full of uncertainty, that's one reason it's difficult for us.

the uncertainty element serves a useful purpose for NTs. one of the problems of letting someone know you're interested in them (sexually or romantically) is that it's a risk with big stakes - on the one hand they might be interested back, on the other they might be not interested (which might leave you feeling hurt) or they might even go laughing about it with all their friends. you might not have enough confidence to tell someone for definite you're interested in them. so instead NTs flirt to signal that they might be interested... so you can't know for sure if the person flirting with you is really interested or not... all you can do is try to flirt back if you are interested, and see how things proceed from there.... but it's all such a big grey area, which is fine for NTs but not for us!

I would guess that the reason NTs flirt when they're not interested is maybe just for fun, they just enjoy the teasing as a game, and also to practice building a social skill for when someone who they really are interested in comes along. (when I say NTs here I realise many don't 'get' flirting either, and some aspies do flirt, I just mean in general). it's just not my idea of fun though...I tried once, I just felt like a sad case, and I feel so sorry for my poor hapless victim it can be fun but it was way stressful and the teasing kind-of went against my values so I didn't feel comfortable at all. I have to be honest, even on the flirting threads and other 'mature' topics here I've kind-of felt the same, even though it wasn't serious and there's no worry of any consequences.... sometimes it just gets too close to the mark and I just feel uncomfortable with what I wrote... (still it's a useful way for me to discover what my limits are... but my poor nerves!! ! :frazzled:)

so the NT way of flirting works for them because the uncertainty aspect of it works in their favour - they can deal with uncertainty just fine. for us, the uncertainty makes it stressful - plus I suppose the fact that flirting is a social interaction itself. this leads me to what I really wanted to ask: is there an 'aspie' way to flirt? how would you like the flirting process to work? how would you like to be flirted with (in a way that for example, didn't stress you out or leave you in uncertainty), and how would you like to flirt? how would you be able to signal to someone that you're interested in them without it being too big a risk?

my first idea was the classic aspie 'brutal honesty' approach... but clearly that won't work. for one thing, remember how Ante's PMs distressed people. being told straight 'so-and-so is romantically interested in you' is too nerve-jangling (and I was one of the people who found it stressful even though I immediately saw it was a hoax - it's such a sensitive subject). also I don't think I'd have the confidence to ever tell someone outright like that, and the people who I'd be interested in as partners wouldn't have the confidence to be brutally honest like that either, so it wouldn't work for me

so, anyone have any ideas? what would be a good aspie way to flirt, or what could be an aspie equivalent to flirting?

The perfect pick-up line that women would want to hear: ((quoted from http://www.freewebs.com/untrainable/soc ... titude.htm )):

"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt. I find you very attractive but I think you're too thin, so I'll only go out with you if you agree to eat chocolate with me every day while we talk about our feelings."

((I know, it's not very helpful, but I can't really give good advice on this topic and I wanted to pimp my site.))

i think that the "flirting" problem for Aspies, is in the fact that we tend to take what people are saying to us literally. While joking in itself is a way of flirting, the aspie may misinterprate the intentions of someone else falsely. (this has happened to me many times) In confrontation with this, there are personal embarassing consequences. Especially if you are the type of person that is insecure about yourself. NT's like flirting because it is a way for them to feel validation. (even if the "flirting" is intended to be cruel or as a joke, at the expense of someone else) Whether you're an aspie or not, the dating world can be a bizarre place to tread.

I like straight out obvious blatent flirting.

subtle flirting and weird quiet staring guys just give me the damn creeps.

I can't stand flirting.

If that happened to me I'd be all like "err... I don't own a mine."

Lol, the kind of flirting I'm more into comes off more like its comming from a more intelligent an analytical woman. It's not real intense, it's a look like she's interested in who's in my head rather than drawing the conclusions off of what I look like, and usually when I see that kind of flirtation I realize she's probably very open-minded, not culture-shy or stuck in the box, like she could appreciate things that she hasn't experienced yet, etc. That spark of open-mindedness and wisdom is just vital.

On the other hand if she's almost strictly emotive, giving me intense looks, licking her lips, giving me these wide-eyed stares, and as it usually happens like that is doing it at a time and context that seems way off-point and where I can't do anything about it - usually I get the impression that she's creating my identity from the outside. When that happens, 9 times out of 10, when she realizes I'm different, it will definitely be all over and quite often there's a real good chance that she might even be really pi**ed at what she sees as far as my personality and may even take it out on me by giving me a cold shoulder for a long time.

On the forums i'd want someone to emote biting me. In real life i cannot imagine someone flirting with me. I could sooner imagine a girl flirting with a gas station pump.