Met a Cool Girl. Now Having Second Thoughts. What Gives?

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First of all, happy new year, everybody. Speaking of which, I was celebrating this New Year's Eve at a techno club, with two friends. We loaded up at my friend's apartment, then hopped on a city bus to go to the club. (The buses normally don't run after 9:00 PM, but the city decided to run them all night for New Year's, to cut down on DUI's.) Now, to understand this story better, I strongly encourage you to watch this YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgIXWPRktu4. It's the song "Connected" by Kendi, which was playing at the club, and was responsible for the turn of events.

We got into the club and hit the dance floor. I danced with a good number of girls, with most of them being 5-minute dances or not even. At midnight, we yelled "happy new year!" and chugged champagne. Later in the night, events took an interesting turn. I saw a girl standing alone (I saw her with her friends earlier), and asked her to dance. One song later, "Connected" started playing. At this point, I don't know what happened, but when we were dancing, instead of doing the usual grinding, or the way more mundane shaking your body while standing across from each other, we started, pretty much, acting out the lyrics. (Now, I really like that song, because I work in IT, and the song has a lot of references to computer and networking hardware.) For instance when the song went "Stop, don't get any closer, / we're not connected the way we're supposed to", I'd pretend to push her away. Or when it went "Hooked up, plugged in, cable connected", I'd grab her hand and pull her toward me into a closed position (the way couples stand during ballroom dancing). You had to have seen it to understand it; it's hard to verbalize. We might have looked a little silly from an outside point of view, but we were really getting into it.

At the end of the song, she jumped into an emotionally expressive hug, pressed up close without being overtly sexual, and said "oh my god, thank you, that was amazing!". I asked her to dance another song, but she said she was "all danced out". So we sat down on a couch and talked, at least the best we could with the loud music playing. There was no making out, just snuggling and verbal flirting. The touching was not unlike that of two NT preteens at their first school dance. She told me she was a "social worker with a nursing license", while I joked about her giving me medical treatment. At the end of the night, she gave me her phone number, written on the back of a car insurance company's business card.

And now, the second thoughts... She struck me as a little bit air-headed, with the way she interacted with me. She also acted more giggly than most girls her age (late 20's, like me). And she was attractive enough to be out of my league, with a slender body and blond hair, the physical type I had a lot of bad experiences with when I was younger. Those aspects make me hesitant to date her, for a variety of reasons: I'm concerned she might be too wild for me; the only thing we have in common for now is love of dancing; and when I called her, I heard loud voices in the background, which means she's very popular, and with her looks, could easily know people that could eat me alive.

I'm wondering if my hesitation could be caused by an age-old defense mechanism I developed: a visceral revulsion toward girls who were likely to see me as a creep. I'm pretty sure I acted creepy when I was in high school and college, but as I got older, I've gotten a lot better at talking to girls. And yet, the age-old defense mechanism still manifests itself and causes me to mildly despise that girl I just met; I'm just not getting the warm fuzzies I normally feel when I meet a more quiet girl with plainer looks (read: in my league). This is despite the fact that she was being flirty and affectionate when she talked to me and gave me her phone number prior to me asking.

So, post your thoughts on this. This is a totally new situation. I've met girls in club-type situations before, but they were fairly quiet, and cute, rather than hot. This girl, on the other hand, is the type that would have eaten me alive if she met the high school or even college version of me. Hence, this long thread, with me rambling about her.

If you believe she's out of your league then you'll find a way to mess it up. Beautiful dance music girls are the only ones who want anything to do with me, send her to me.

You obviously like this girl. One of the reasons for your past revulsion might be because this IS your type and you felt it was beyond your capabilities. I used to avoid the kind of guy I was really attracted to and it took me decades to finally realize I had nothing to lose by finally going for it. Trust me, you can spend so many years on the ones you aren't intimidated by, but you will never maintain that level of respect required to make it last unless you take that chance.

NT girls try to make their lives interesting and to show that they are likeable by showing that they have friends who like them. Just like we sometimes judge that we are "strange" because we have very few, if any, friends. A club is a showplace where no one is who they seem to be. Give her a chance or 6 (shown to be the optimal time to figure out if it might work) to show you who she really is. Just because she is pretty and acted a little dumb, doesn't mean that's who she is. Most guys are intimidated by girls who are "smart".

Personally, I feel the way I think and show my intelligence looks stupid. I have only recently shown the way I think to my partner. At work and to my friends they almost stare at me with blank looks when I finally speak my mind on something I really know about and verbalize it. So I try to hide it until I know someone well enough or they bring up a subject they know enough about to understand what I say. My son's more intelligent friends enjoy talking to me. To the point that he asks them if they came to see him or "my mom". When I date I tend to "dumb down" so I can scale the intelligence level of the person I am with and speak to him as an equal. Some are just so vacuous, I can't help but give up and just let loose because I am no longer interested. When this happens, they usually turn out to be stalkers. Totally not what I was going for.

Does this make any sense?

"Like this girl" would be somewhat of an overstatement. Yes, I'm attracted to her looks and her dancing skills, but having had a huge number of rejections early on in my dating life, I effectively trained myself out of liking "traditionally attractive" girls, like the one I met. Basically, I became conditioned to have a visceral negative reaction to beauty and airheaded actions, rather than to being rejected, and the rejectors were typically girls possessing those qualities.

And so, this brings me to the events on New Year's night. The girl in question could have easily been impressed by the dancing, and might have even seen something in my looks (although I'm more certain of the former than the latter). While I'd like to give her a chance, the intense conditioning I got at a young age prevents me from feeling attraction, although if I met her before becoming conditioned in my late teens to feel revulsion toward her type, I'd get a massive crush.

I understand my reasons for feeling this way. Ten years ago, this girl would have said "go away, you f'ing creep!". Plus, back then, I couldn't dance to save my life, unlike now, being able to act out song lyrics while dancing. Obviously, myself ten years ago and myself now are like night and day, but old habits die hard, and can have effects many years later.

Then again, I haven't even gone on one date with her. I'll wait and see. Maybe I just got caught up in the party atmosphere that night, but when the sun rose, the hangover set in, both physical and emotional. Her being a social worker (a compassion-intensive line of work) mitigates my concerns to some extent. But my second thoughts still make me hesitate to start the process.

A couple of thoughts:
1- The 'air-headedness' may have had a lot to do with the atmosphere, the time of night, alcohol, and holiday spirit. In other words, she was very possibly just feeling giddy.

2- You met on NYE and called her the next day, New Year's day. She was very likely at another celebration, maybe with family. Don't assume she's always surrounded by a crowd of wild, bubbly people. Don't assume her life is a party just because she was socially active on New Year's. Afterall, you were surrounded by loud noise and people when you met. That obviously doesn't mean your life is an endless jamboree.

3- Don't shoot yourself in the foot! One of my best relationships was with someone who I thought was too good looking, socially at ease, emotionally secure (came from a loving family, my family is crazy) and financially well-off for me. He persisted for months before I eased up about my own insecurities. A woman is much, much less likely to persist if she feels rejected.

Give her a chance on a regular day. The next phone conversation may be very quiet and peaceful. If you go out with her again, you may be surprised by how differently she behaves when she isn't hyped up with holiday spirit. And congratulations! Obviously, you've come a long way, and you've probably worked very hard at it. So enjoy what you've earned.

I suppose you're right. It's the party atmosphere that could have easily made her act all wild and crazy. Being a social worker, she's probably not like that in her daily life. Heck, I myself was screaming "happy new year!" to passing cars and pole-dancing on a "No Parking" sign (I'm male) while I stepped outside to smoke. Especially considering that I work in IT, a stereotypically geeky career field. And like you said, it was New Year's Eve, plus I'm sure I made a good impression on her with that "acting out the lyrics" dance, so maybe she was trying to act fun herself in return.

And yet, the second thoughts are still there. All this seems like a big disconnect from how I've come to expect things to happen at dance outings. Either nothing happens all night; or a woman I don't find very attractive to shows interest, and I have to lower my standards to make things happen. This New Year's, it was vastly different: the girl was very good-looking, she flirted a lot, got all snuggly with me, and offered me her phone number. And most importantly, I was doing everything on auto-pilot, without thinking, and she responded very well. Simply put, this is not how things are "supposed to happen" between me and girls like her. Hence, me starting this thread in the first place.

Sometimes we just can't choose who we are going to love.

I have often said that I am seldom attracted to who I am looking for.

Let go of your prejudice and it's a whole new world.

Seldom is what you want really what you need.

Need more? I have plenty.