relationship and asperger's

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My boyfriend found our he has Asperger's a little over a year ago. He had always been misdiagnosed as ADHD. We've been dating for over two years, so this has been a huge hurdle in our relationship. He has conquered a lot of difficult aspects of the disorder (he is much more able to interpret body language and understands how his behavior affects me more). I have had an incredibly difficult time myself as I have lost a great deal of personal identity in the relationship because I automatically do what he wants in order to avoid argument. He is always completely straightforward with me and doesn't really understand the concept of fibbing a little in order to spare my feelings. We have arguments over semantics that last for hours. I am very emotional and have a hard time having a logical argument because I associate argument with negativity. When there should be no conflict and just discussion, it becomes a knock-down drag-out fight. He is able to make friends pretty easily and was quite socially active as a teenager. Now he's still only 22, but has absolutely no motivation towards anything not incredibly specific like collecting or making electronic music. I worry that I will always be the one doing most of the work because he doesn't feel the pressure that I do to have money. He is completely unable to see that cleaning needs to be done or that some chores have an element of urgency involved. On the other hand, I have general and social anxiety, which really works against us making things better. I worry all the time about money and jobs, while he absolutely has no idea why I'm anxious or that he can help with it. Also, for the first year or so of our relationship, I misunderstood his apparent disinterest in me, which was really just associated with the Asperger's. Because of this bad start, I still am always thinking that he is just pretending to care because that's what he knows he's "supposed to" do.
I really want to make this work. I think we should both get counseling together, but I don't know if I can afford it. I'd appreciate any advice you guys can give. Thanks.

Well, you're certainly well-off for an NT/AS couple...


That is actually a fairly big problem, one you should talk about with him. If he's smothering you like that, he may not even know that he's doing it. Many aspies will emotionally hurt their partners like this without even realizing it...

Many aspies have that issue as well. I've said many times here on this forum that I would rather hear a clear, concise "no" if rejected for a date or whatever than some white lie like "let's be friends"... This issue is more cultural in nature, in that neither side is truly right in this scenario. 2 different mindsets on how to address bad news... It actually reminds me of a scene in Robin Hood: Men in tights... "Can you tell me the bad news, but in a good way"...

In any case, a calm discussion, without any pent-up frustration involved, would be the best way for you to explain your predicament to him. Using words to explain it will help him understand better than nonverbal cues, so possibly even writing out what you're going to say beforehand and reading it to him would be helpful. If he truly loves you, he will adapt to this situation...


Aspies often have detachable emotions that can be switched on and off. Many times, when trying to rationally argue something, emotions will shut off to avoid them running out of control (since aspie emotions, if not checked, can be quite powerful...) This is another case where you have to outline your feelings about something that's bothering you, as per the above paragraph...


Does he earn any money at all? How much of the actual percentage of house income comes from you and from him. If you are actually providing most of the income, then you should rationally explain that fact to him. (send me a PM if you need any help structuring a logical argument to convince an aspie...)


Many aspies in general are like this. If it's something that would need to be cleaned from the perspective of actually keeping the place healthy (i.e. keeping cockroaches and disease out), aspies can be fairly quick to clean for that. However, many NT's have this issue (many aspies, myself included, see it as an issue anyway) in that NT's are constantly worried about how things look, which means next-to-nothing in the minds of many aspies... That's also why many aspies have a problem wearing the more uncomfortable forms of formalwear out there as well...


That's just a difference in priorities. If he's not bringing any money in to pay for cost of living, then his priorities need to be re-aligned with reality. However, many aspies don't see tangible possessions as status symbols, and thus don't need to buy things to make them feel like they're worth more socially (although some, like me, will buy many things merely because they're interesting...)



I wouldn't say that. Aspies often don't show overt interest in ways that NT's pick up on, just as NT interest cues often zip right over the head of any aspies... One thing is that if he ever did something with you that he would never normally do on his own, he's definitely interested (since aspies rarely try new things unless it's for a reason...)


Well, money can be an issue, but I would definitely recommend some form of professional counseling, since those would be the type of people that encounter aspies more often and know how to work with them...

As for now if you need a quick understanding of some aspect of AS that makes no sense, drop me a PM and I can tell you if it's a common AS trait or not... or just drop me a PM if you need to talk about anything related to AS and I'll try to helpyou...