Can't do it anymore.

Post Reply New Topic

I quit. I can't date anyone without feeling afraid it will happen again. Soon as a guy gets a little flirty with me, I give all the 'no' signals, even if I think he's nice. I hate doing that. At least I stop it at the start. It's not that I was turnned off by them... I'm afraid of 'potential' relationships being destroyed now. I'd rather be alone then get more epesodes of no speaking, and no answers, and "ooo I found a cute chick" after trying to know them for over half a year each time.

They never say why, and it just is so frustrating. They just leave me to "ponder my faults". Dates seem to know me a while then avoid me; sometimes with effort. (and some wander why "I won't settle for any ugly chick" line pisses me off) They stop talking to me, and twice now I got to watch a boy drool over someone else who either doesn't want them or wants more than they are giving them! One of the girls drooled at was my own sister!

If I'm hidious, why ask to start with? I don't feel that I'm that horrible. I tell them, pretty much, some of me from the beggining, but it just doesn't seem to work. I guess some guys think they can change me so I'm the gal they want. Not happening!

There are still some good guys out there... the problem is how to find them. A lot of them are hiding under a rock and not out trying to date, you just have to kind of trip over one of those to find them.

Maybe you could consider somebody from here, I know there are several in the Houston area.

Obviously you're not ugly, or they most likely wouldn't be trying to pick you up in the first place. Guys just do this for some reason. The real question is, do they do it to everyone or do they do it mostly to AS type chicks? I really don't know.

Do you ever let them know "up front" of your Asper/Autie condition? Or do you keep it to yourself and hope that your behavior doesn't drive them away?

My advice is to take a break from dating for a while and work on building back up your self-confidence before you get out there again.

Hey now, no need to be hasty. ^^

Trust me, there are lots of guys out there who are willing to wait for you.

You just have to find him. Don't give up on relationships.
Also, maybe telling them that you have Asperger's will help them better understand your reasonings for waiting so long.

I'm with you all the way- wait a while. Get to know them first. You'll find a guy who understands you on that part eventually. Just give it time. You don't need to search for them all the time. Give dating a break for a while and when you're ready, be careful in your descisions. ^^ It's quite easy. You'll be fine. But don't give up! I have faith in you!

Don't give up. Maybe the guys are pushing you too fast. There are guys here who would be great for you! Get to know them online first.

Guys... send her a message and cheer her up!

This is usually why I try to get to know a woman in group settings before asking her out, although since that flies in the face of social convention I'm usually met with heavy resistance...

^ is this an order or a suggestion?

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 01 Dec 2008, 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

an option.

So yeah, I guess the latter...

But in any case, it does insulate me from physical-only relationships, which I honestly don't want...

Hey , I need your help.... I was thinking of sending her a pm.

Here's my sample:

Dear LiendaBalla,

You sound cute (but sounds can be misleading sometimes) but I am willing to drool over you , can I?

PM me back

Regards,

LePetitPrince,


so?

I understand your annoyance and sadness at seeming aloof and uncaring around potential guys who automatically turn you off. I'm also sorry to hear that guys are turning you down for other gals as well, I've never had that experience per se, however I have been rejected romantically all my life, so we are at some level of understanding.

Let me start by saying that I am impressed that guys are willing to flirt with you and show an interest in you, all hope is not lost if this is the case. Perhaps you need to be flirtaeous back and see how they react, if you are quiet and shy too long, they might just go for someone else, because you don't interest them intimacy wise.

I know a lot of guys on this forum will say "Don't worry, there are nice guys out there still". They are partially right and partially wrong. They are right because, yes, there are nice guys out there, but they are typically the kind of guys that girls never really notice or look at, the friend types.

However, "nice guys", although nice and friendly, are like any other male, except for probably being a little more friendly and less aggressive in manner. Guys tend to be very petty and superficial when it comes to physical appearences. We usually want cute to beautiful women, we usually don't want obese women or women that we find physically unattractive. That's why you see a lot of nice guys alone, because although we are looking for romance, we want certain things, and we typically won't settle for less than our expectations. Nice guys have plenty of girls around them, that they consider "unattractive", but whom they could date if they really wanted to. It is ironic, to be alone and seeking love, yet to have expectations so high that you almost never can reach them

Yes, I am one of the "nice guys", and I've been alone almost 22 years now, and what I say about most "nice guys" is very true. If guys find you physically repulsive, it's not going to happen, they won't date you. It's not like with women, where a woman can get to know a guy's personality and fall in love with him that way, instead of falling in love with how he looks. Although women look for some level of physical attraction, they have other things they look for. With guys, it is looks first and interests second (of course there are exceptions to this). Don't make the cut then you're stuck (usually). Sad, but true.

I would have to disagree with you there. Many of the women I had interest in were slightly overweight (and one had quite a bit of acne, despite being 23 or so...), and all but one of them wears glasses (the one that doesn't switched them out for contacts a few years after the fact), whereas glasses are often seen as a mark of being "unattractive" to the general public...

My issue where I fly in the face of society is that I want to get to know a woman before I date her. Being involved in group activities will do alot to increase my attraction to a woman that is also participating. I don't want to have to learn everything about some woman on the fly, as that is too stressful for me and goes against my concept of a date, which should be laid back and low-stress...

Houston, huh? That's not too far...

Umm, what are you looking for? NT males flirt. So do NT females. If you shut them down when they flirt, well, things won't get too far.

Kudos, by the way, for realizing when someone is flirting with you.

So what are you looking for? What is your expectations? If I am reading you right, you just want to get to know a guy without a romantic component. If so, you will have to come to grips with the whole flirting thing. NT guys will flirt, often without any particular expectations. Part of being a guy is banter, so their needs to be some back and forth. If your intentions are romantic, then you aren't self-secure enough for it. For one, you almost certainly aren't hideous. If you keep getting dumped, it is a lot more likely you don't know how to deal with the situation. Try cultivating just friendships with guys. Granted, most guys are more interested in sack time than anything else. But, not all. And you are at an age where it is more common than when you were 20.

So try it.

NTs say, "It is better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all."

We Aspies tend to say, "It is better to have not loved rather than to have loved and lost."

Your Aspieness is keeping you at a distance from others. That's how it works.

Thanks.s.s. all for the replies. Yes I agree with you all in some ways. 'sigh' I let them know I'm socialy odd in some ways from the beggining, usualy, if I feel they aren't picking up on it. I don't want someone verbaly out of my legue, anyway.