Problem with meeting aspergers males

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Phoenix wrote

'Guns don't kill people. Gunshot wounds kill people.'

That's not true. It's apes with guns that kill people.

As most poeple have said here before, Aspie guys think that getting any girl you need to make them your GF ASAP

I had that problem for the last 5 years. I had a female friend, propably read up on it somewhere here, and i wanted her to be my gf. Wrong!! !! !! ! I really hope to still be her friend one day but I don't think that will happen.

Lately I have been dancing, something i have mentioned repeatedly I know, and low and behold GIRLS, LOTS OF GIRLS. I had to stop and say ok they are here just as friends. It is very hard to keep that mindset. On several occasions I had the impression that this girl wanted to go out with me and wham not so anymore. point i wanna make is as an aspie I have no-idea what is romantic and what is friendship, being male makes it so much more dificult as I have to approach them and i have this big fear of rejection, no surprise there. So when can i approach her????

If you are a female looking for an aspie male as a friend, and yes I want the opposite with the safety of they will not run away and I can say a lot more on the topic....., you have to remember that they are as clueless on social situations as you are. my advice will be to go and say "friends now, in a week, month, year maybe something more, maybe not". Importantly give him the distiction between the two, friendship/romance. If you give him that it takes a lot of uncertainty out of the box. Give him the distiction between when you want to take it further, if ever, and when you want to remain friends or stay in contact by physically saying it.

Aspies don't read clues, we don't undrstand good gestures because in the past good gestures resulted in the knife in the back, we know logic, rules, facts, not hypothetical, theoretical. Facts.

Last word, what I try and practice now, and it is something my parents told me is that the poeple who know me, know I can be rude, say rude things,etc, but at the same time I have a big heart. People who are still my friends are my friends because they want to be my friend. When love comes along, and i hope soon it will come through that channel. NOT at the CLUB drinking, NOT on a first look, NOT over one day, I have too many bad habits that they will have to get over first.

I have three women that are my best friends. One of them I have been knowing since high school. I don't really have any trouble just being their friend. I really don't see any problem with it. One of them has a boyfriend though and he does not really like me that much. I don't know why. I do not want to date my friend. I can never understand how men and women find such a hard time being friends without romance. I think friendships are healthy and I always like to get the other gender's point of view on things. Having women as friends has helped me a lot. I hope you can find a friend one day like that.

Well, I'm taken and therefore not looking for a relationship.
Why did you choose a comet for your nickname, btw?

EDIT: I'm also not looking for sex, in case that isn't obvious.

Looks are only 50% of the picture. The rest is up to pheromones how help on matching the compatibility in regards to a person, it is a complex mixture, but this is the basic workings.

Relationships are formed based on the culture they stand up on. That is why there is a difference in relationships around the world.

As for the problem the girl is having, she can deal with it if some somehow managed to find the correct line. Like adding a second girl into the mix, or a guy. Just an idea, I have no ways to tell how the outcome might be.

Had to consider this one for a looong time before answering.

Been in several LT relationships. The thing that is common to all of them was this; they started up very, very fast. There is this perception out there that, if sex occurs very quickly, there is something wrong with the woman. This, to me, is, at best, hypocrisy, at worst, insanity. After all, the MAN is having the sex too, right? So why is the "wrongness" attributed to only one gender? This really rubs me wrong and I've never seen the sense in it. Does she? on the first date? I sure do hope so--I SURE DO. So if she's "wrong" then so am I.

Guilty as charged.

But then, thinking about this, I realized that there is an aspie component here.

Not being able to read non-verbal signals, I simply do not KNOW what is going on with any woman. UNLESS we have sex. THEN I do have a good idea what is going on. Not a perfect perception, but good enough to KNOW where I stand. Every woman I've found myself with, for the long term, they have each one been very, VERY different. But they all did this thing very quickly. In a sense, it's clear that I HAD to have this. It was the only way that I could be CERTAIN about their feelings for me. Some of them were good, one was a highly probably aspie herself (mother of my only child), and some were absolute nightmares. lol. But they ALL had this one thing in common; the ability to provide me with certainty regarding their feelings. For me, this isn't a guessing game. If I don't perceive, immediately, that there is something special there, I'll drift away pretty fast. This is not a selfish thing; just the opposite. It's me thinking of their feelings first. If they don't seem to be interested, the last thing I want to be is that guy who doesn't know when to go away. Erring on the side of caution, therefore, is the best alternative, and I'll disappear rapidly when it seems as if the feelings that I have for her are not being reciprocated. I've been in that position before as well--the one where a woman's very much attracted to me, making it obvious, and I'm not attracted to her. Very uncomfortable, puts me in a spot where I'm forced to choose between only bad decisions (whether to tell her I'm not interested, very probably hurting her feelings, or lie to her and avoid her, still probably hurting her feelings anyway), and I know it's not good. I'd rather NOT put ANY woman in that place, knowing myself how bad it can be, so if there's not an obvious and almost certain indicator that she IS strongly interested, I'm gone fast. Good or bad, just about the only way I can be sure that a given woman IS interested is if she tends to move as fast as I do. Being an aspie, I look the situation over, analyse, and make a decision. Then, it's go time. If she is there with me, good, and it's all systems go. If not, I'm outta there, and the reason is regard for her feelings. If she's not into me, I need to vacate quick.

This came into focus recently, as it happens. There is a woman I've been dating, obviously an NT, who is playing things very coy, very reserved. Everything says to me she's interested, but because she's not in bed with me, I'm constantly in doubt. The only thing that's kept me in contact with her at all, is that she's exceedingly attractive and very intelligent, and close to my age. A little older even. I'm trying things the NT way this time, but, in fact, have little hope for it to turn out well, simply because I know my own propensities and know how patient I'm not.

Hope this communicates something useful Hale.

Exile, that is an astounding observation. One I'm going to have to run through my past and see what sticks. Thank you.


M.

You're entirely welcome Maki.

This one required some thought prior to posting.

Most of the time, we are misperceived SOOOOO badly. Our intentions are virtually ALWAYS misconstrued. And most of the time, we simply never get the opportunity to explain, to reveal what is really happening under the surface. We are so often accused of having little or no empathy. That is just not true. It is just that we see things through the lens of extreme rationality. Yes, it certainly IS reductionist, but then, we have very little choice. We NEED, we THRIVE on the rules, and it seems as if there are no hard and fast rules in sight when it comes to the finer points of human interpersonal relationships. Romance, in particular, is a miasma of misunderstanding in my experience. Reducing it to essentials is the only way I've found to deal with the problems inherent in the process. It's certainly not a perfect way to do things, and I have no doubt whatever that I've missed opportunities with woman because of this policy/approach, but then, there is no avoiding the fact that I need certainty, because as an aspie, guessing about how she really feels, what is going on inside her, is simply NOT an option. Basic courtesy requires that I consider the worst case scenario first and foremost, and act with the best behavior I can muster. Withdrawing when withdrawl is called for is mandatory, AFAIAC.

It's not about me. It's about her. Every time.

After taking a little time to think, while it isn't an absolute aspect... it is surprisingly consistent that a quality shared by almost all of my relationships is that she was affectionate, not always sexual but there was little room for question as to her affection or intention towards me. That such decidedly obvious input was necessary seems pretty apparent in retrospect, to be honest, but didn't before. My fiance is sometimes frustrated by my experiential reactions to things; she feels a sense of mistrust, whereas I am acting according to how best deal with what limited experience I have with a situation in my past. Thankfully, we talk openly and ask questions of each other rather than making assumptions. Our greatest limitation is when faced with an unfamiliar situation, I think... there is not point of reference. When we can find an anchor point, a landmark, then it is just possible to find your bearings - but without any sort of context, then things get wildly baffling and often misinterpreted. That the other person was assertive in their feelings and open to affection gave a degree of confidence that was missing from other romantic encounters. I don't know that I have experienced what you have, to that degree, but it is certainly familiar. Entirely astute observation from my vantage point, Exile. Nicely done.


M.

I once met an Aspie guy, and when I mentioned having Asperger's, this was in a shyness awareness group, he pratically assaulted me. You can dish over whether assault is the right term, as the last time I posted about this people said assault was too extreme of a word. He jumped up at me excited like a 10 year old, I talked to him, but was put off and somewhat frightened by his physical approach towards me. I felt I couldn't tell him I didn't want to talk to him, cause he might think it's not fair, I'm Aspie too and should know what it's like to be rejected over that. Or other people in the group, would treat me like someone who hurt some little boy's feelings.

I hope this doesn't sound too infantilizing, it simply is that I'm wondering what Aspie guys expect, if I'm to presume most Aspie guys behave this way around women, when they behave in what can be to most women, a threatening manner.

*shakes head* You cannot identify a group by the actions of an individual; to consider it a trait on the basis on a single person's behavior is a little insulting, to be honest. It's a spectrum disorder, yet all males have this characteristic? Really? There isn't even a pattern to base one's opinion off of. That he got excited can itself explain the oddity of behavior - you might have been the first AS female he had met, and thought you would relate somehow immediately, or he might have been attracted to you and made a fool of himself in the process, as many here (myself included) have done in a variety of ways. Just because affection may aid in establishing a relationship, nowhere was it suggested in the recent discussion in that manner, and in fact had been discussed that it was when the female partner expressed herself to the AS male in the relationship. If you're speaking more generally or to the start of the conversation, we may have some confusion, but you've not indicated anything relative.


M.

I know this, I was doing what is called "sharing one's own experience". I never said my experience represents everyone else's experience. I simply was trying to figure out how one should behave in that situation. Instead it seems everyone would rather claim I'm making a wide assumption of all male Aspies, when I am not. I used the word most not all, most means some out of a group. All means everyone within a group. Therefore I did not make claims as to say EVERY male with Asperger's Syndrome behaves in such a manner.

"it simply is that I'm wondering what Aspie guys expect, if I'm to presume most Aspie guys behave this way around women, when they behave in what can be to most women, a threatening manner."

The above is presumptive speech, indicating that this is a wide generalization - if you are sharing an experience, then why indict an entire group in your speech? Also, the comment that everyone would rather make an assumption about your comment is a little extreme, seeing as I'm the only one who responded in the thread to your last post. Perhaps be a little more selective in your words, as what was said indicated something much different than what you claim.


M.

Do you mean I should lie, in order to make others feel more comfortable? I admitted being presumptive, perhaps you didn't see that in my post. What am I supposed to do? Clearly I'm the only one who even appears to care about the feelings of the male Aspie in this situation, given that I'm asking people what I should've done. Apperently from the responses I've gotten so far, it seems the answer from other people is that feelings don't matter.

I guess you just 'hit a raw nerve' there! Since many WP members celebrate the fact that they don't lie to make others feel comfortable, it's only fair that you should tell them the truth and make them feel uncomfortable - After all, they may be moved to weed out a fault or two.

If you feel threatened by some1, it's (rightly) considered OK to put your own feelings before theirs and (in this case atleast) tell them how you're feeling and why you're feeling it if possible.

Feelings are often underrated, especially here - Do ppl consider the fact that without the feeling of wanting to remain alive they wouldn't be here?_

I'm not sure why you're clearly on the side of the male Aspie; could you perhaps clarify then? You did qualify at first, yet still presume that this is a spectrum-constant behavior? Apparently I'm not reading you correctly, but I don't see where you are exhibiting a great deal of care on his behalf. That those on the spectrum have impairment reading and understanding what is being conveyed as well as what is appropriate in response; some learn from experience, others still suffer from ineptness. From reading in this forum, there seems to be an inclination towards immediacy when one is attracted to another, which I commented in another thread that this is problematic as it sets people off at a distance from the start because of the sense of agenda. I don't encourage you to lie, not in the least - disagreement is preferable to acquiescence. But do you not describe yourself being less than upfront in your response to him? And if you are less than direct, given the limitations of inference here, then the expectation that he would necessarily understand confuses me. It isn't rejecting someone to tell them they're physically too close and need to back off; it's asserting a boundary. Feelings matter greatly; so is understanding context. I'm sorry that you were assaulted (whether it meets legal definitions isn't relevant here; you felt threatened), but would ask that you not rush to presumption.


M.