I'm in love again - how do I not screw this up?

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After going through the worst breakup and feeling like I'd never date again I'm ready for another relationship.
I know what went wrong in the last one. I didn't really like going out and I was suffering from social anxiety, hence not wanting to go out. I also didn't think too much about the guys friends. Now that I know where I went wrong I'm ready to start again.
I think this new guy has AS or has AS traits. He seems to hate social situations more than me. I told him that I suspected I have AS and he was very supportive.

My last relationship was with an overconfident womaniser that loved to go out, this next one is shy and is nervous to meet up with me. It looks like I'm going to have to be the confident one.

Another problem I had in the last relationship was communication. We never talked about any relationship issues, we just bottled things up until we started to hate each other. I also have a problem with expressing my emotions. And I describe myself as robotic/unresponsive to intimacy. I thought this was due to my poor coordination. I dunno, it could be. I really want to get better at these things, especially being able to express myself.

I know guys need their space, but with long distance relationships I don't know how much is too much or too little.

Has any girl gone out with a guy that is shy and may be suffering from social anxiety? I'm not sure how I should approach this. I've had it in the past and I was so very very anxious with my thoughts. I'm not sure how I can help him.
Any more tips would be appreciated.

If it's long distance then shyness and such shouldn't be that much of an issue because people can talk much more freely over the net.

You clearly know where you went wrong last time, which is a good start.

Yay!



I'm currently going out with a very shy guy. I don't know if he has AS or social anxiety, but hopefully I can help a bit.





Don't blame yourself- sounds like your last bf was equally responsible that the relationship didn't work out. Also, just because the new guy appears to be the complete opposite, it doesn't mean he's 'the one'; if things don't work out, don't blame yourself or start thinking you'll never find another guy; personalities exist on a bell-curve and you just happened to have dated people at either end.



You'll need the patience of a saint. Don't get me wrong, it might be worth it, but you will need to be very thick-skinned and will probably have to get used to phoning him and arranging dates youself for the first while. If it starts to bug you, don't be afraid to say clearly 'next time you ask me out' (sounds unromantic, but he might not have actually twigged that you're doing all the work or that it's annoying you).

Also, if at any stage you feel it's too much, don't be afraid to call it quits and just be friends (as my mum would say, 'you're not married!'). You don't have to be a martyr or make dragging him out of his shell your life's mission; you may also find that in the end, you don't actually like the person on the inside; maybe inside he's the overconfident womaniser your ex was... (see the thread on 'nice guys' at the top of 'love and dating'). I'm not saying he is, but if you start to feel this may be the case, get out!



Until he really opens up, you're not going to be able to discuss relationships here either; shy people are very bad at bottling things up (he may be afraid to lose you). If he has AS, he might not even be aware or know how to phrase such feelings.



That's a good thing (that he doesn't like socialising). It's also nice that he was supportive of you about having AS.



Wouldn't worry about it. With regards to emails; you send one, he sends one, etc... As for meeting up, it depends how far away and how difficult it is for you to get to each other. I suggest you visit him first, then ask him to visit you (puts the onus on him to start arranging things, otherwise he'll have a lot of travel time on his hands).

Basically, take it a day at a time. Don't be easily offended, but don't feel that you're trapped if things definitely aren't working (I would suggest talking to him first though- it may be workable) Good luck!

When you say go out, do you go to bands, pubs, clubs, what ?

If there are incompatibilities, as it seems there were, then it was healthy and right for the relationship to part. Seems to me you have been on the right track, so I wouldn't think of it as something "went wrong" -- there was an incompatibility that corrected itself.



It sounds like you are in a correspondence, or an online relationship, not really a full relationship yet.



Hard for me too. I've just started trying to communicate about social/emotional things and I'm making a real mess of it. I seem to be improving gradually with time, but slowly. Social/emotional communication is a big issue and difficult.... with me too. It's so tough that a lot of NTs have trouble, too. You are expressing yourself very well here so you have a lot to work with.



I don't really think about LDRs as relationships. If a guy's not around much, he slips from my world. Short attention span.



I'm not sure what your Q is. My second husband was AS and my husband today is very anti-social. I wish I could get him out to do museums, concerts, embassy events, etc. If that's your problem, I have no cure.

Not sure what your specific Q is, how are you trying to help him?

Guys are like flowers, pick a good one, enjoy him for what he is. If you try to change a guy too much, that's kind of insulting to some. Like, "Okay, you're the best I could land, now let's see if we can civilize you and clean you up so I can feel better about you." I mean, if he's not Mr. Wonderful, enjoy him for what he is, not what he's not.

If he is anything like me, you should be very direct with your feelings. Subtlety is lost on me and in hindsight, I can think of many occasions when I was probably being flirted with and had no idea.

I don't completely blame myself. My ex's way of dealing with his problems was just to ignore them i.e ignore me.


Yeah, it already seems like I'm the one arranging dates.

I'm used to traveling to his town. I've got places to stay and there are more things to do there. I could probably get him to drive down to my town. It's about 3 hrs away. I've never had a LDR when the guy actually comes to my house.


Thanks, I will. Hopefully we're meeting up tonight and then after Christmas.


Yeah bands, pubs and clubs. Maybe parties.

Well, we've been at the same gigs. We were supposed to meet up last week but he was a bit shy to even say hello. I guess me calling it a relationship is just wishful thinking.


Thanks, I write better than I talk


Yeah, it's tough but I like guys more from his town than my own. I know it will be a lot of hard work but I'm prepared for it.


I guess how to make him feel calm in situations where he gets really anxious.
I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it if he had an anxiety attack. I suppose I know some methods to work through that.
He asked me about how I overcame anxiety and I gave him a few tips.
I don't want to change him. I think he is sweet. It's just that I want to help him overcome anxiety. I don't even know how bad it is for him yet. I shall know soon though.

Thanks for the replies. I'll try to keep it all in mind.