Does Being Single for a Long Time Worsen Judgment?

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I was on a date awhile ago, and the woman I was with had disclosed episodes of poor judgment to me, things that, especially if she had a relapse from her commitment to change could risk not only herself but possibly me too if I decided to keep seeing her. To be sure, she had many attractive qualities as well, but there is a risk involved.

I am wondering if she could have said she was a serial killer and has murdered every previous boyfriend of hers and I still wouldn't be phased because I'm so eager to meet someone....

Is the mind good at ignoring or downplaying risk under circumstances like these? Is the drive for companionship and sexuality this overridng?

Anytime you're looking for a girlfriend, you're vulnerable to this problem. Because the longer you go without having one, the more important it becomes for you to "fill the position", so to speak. So you tend to hire whoever wants the job.

Being lonely sucks. Being in a relationship with a girl you don't like, respect, find attractive, etc...is worse. But that's hard to remember after being alone a long time. All I can advise is to really ask yourself, "Is this a girl I could be friends with, if I already had a girlfriend? Would I put up with this in a guy friend? Am I settling?" Don't find a girlfriend. Meet a girl who can be a friend, as well as a girlfriend.

I tried that. I ended up with dozens of female friends, but no actual girlfriend...

what is the difference between a girl that is a friend and a girlfriend?

Merle

romantic intimacy...

then it is that spark of chemistry between two people that has to happen for that to kindle. Unfortunately, that can't be manufactured but must depend on chance. So it would follow that the more girls that are friends you have the greater the chance that chemistry will spark and grow into a lovely bloom.

Merle

Actually I've never had a girlfriend, so "for a long time" should have read "forever." I actually did find much to like about her, but there was also a high risk factor involved.

I'm not sure ToadOfSteel. I'd probably date you in real life. I'm particularly impressed by the way you are handling rejection. I always believe that a person's true character is shown in bad times.

You probably just need to be a bit more flirty and start that spark. I say continue to be nice to everyone, but be particularly nice to one girl and one girl *only*. In a very noticeable way. You can't just be there and hope that they'll notice you eventually. Girls want to feel special. The reason why girls are interested in jerks is not because they are jerks but because said jerks somehow convince the girls that they are jerks to everyone else but they are different because he is really in love with them. It is that feeling that "Wow, he thinks I'm special" that girls fall for. But you don't need to be a jerk to do that.

Never wink at anyone, but that one girl you are interested in. Always try to sit next to them and help them (in a way you don't do with others). An important thing is you have to be loud about it - as in you have to be really noticeable about it. Talk about them a lot to their friends especially about them being cute and how wonderful you think they are (let the grapevine work for you). Tell someone who is a notorious gossip. Their friends will talk and if they like you will even try to play matchmaker. Don't worry about being awkward, it can be cute

When you've been looking for a while you might go for someone you wouldn't normally. For me that worked out great, so it can be a good method, cause it expands your horizons, reduces prejudices. It can work out badly too, but then so can any relationship.

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I think that once you saw how downright ugly I actually look, you would change your mind real fast. I've had women, even women have a real deep personality, say that they would date me, until they actually see me, and end up changing their minds real fast...


You could say I've gotten used to it. The first time I was rejected, I was in a serious depression for three years and had to be medicated in order to be functional in society...


At this point I don't even have a "that girl" to single out for such behavior. I've tried that in the past though, and it has yielded nothing...


I don't wink ever... the few attempts I've made at winking looked like I was having seizures...


Already try to do that whenever possible, but it has very little impact as far as I can see...


That just makes it seem really corny to be honest...


Many of the female friends I've mentioned are actually friends with each other (not all, but around 1/2 do)...


I gave up worrying about awkwardness a long time ago... it's just unavoidable in my case. If a girl finds it cute, so much the better, since I can provide in great supply...

the title to this topic is very true. i think its because you are mostley outta the loop socially so you dont know how to play the game

I think I've seen several studies that say that we use different areas of the brain for judgment when we are in relationships and when we are not. The ones for when we are in relationships are basically irrational ones.

Here's a clip from one article...

I guess there may be some kind of chemical reaction, like ephemeralla wrote and quoted, which may mean that people do lose a bit of reason and make illogical decisions.

But I guess it depends what the risk factor is. If the person has a drug habit or other risky behaviours, say they've had a habit of drink driving or something, then yes, that would start ringing alarm bells. Or maybe if someone had given up smoking recently, and you were a non-smoker and weren't interested in dating a smoker, and were concerned that they might relapse and start smoking again or something. I guess those would be reasonable and valid concerns.

As for stuff like murder, well, I would hope that if someone told you she had murdered all her previous boyfriends you would run for the hills! Lol!

The real answer is very individualistic though, because we all have our different deal-breakers. For me, for example, I wouldn't want a permanent, long-term relationship with a smoker, so if someone had recently given up but had a track record of stopping and starting smoking, I would think seriously about whether I wanted to take that risk. But moreover, I would let the person know that particular issue was a deal-breaker for me. On the other hand, I love dancing and would ideally want someone who shared that interest, but if they had two left feet and hated dancing, but we were compatible in other ways, there could be some give and take, I would just go dancing with other friends, and also maybe go dancing less frequently.

Someone else might not care either way whether their partner was a smoker or not. But they might be a vegan or vegetarian, and it might be very important to them that their partner wasn't a meat eater. It would be reasonable if they met someone who was a 'lapsed' vegetarian who'd recently started eating meat, but vowed to give up again, well, again, I think they'd need to communicate how important the issue was to them.

I think communication is the key. And out of that honest and open communication you can assess the other person's stance, whether the issue is equally important to them. And you can also gauge things like mutual respect. Is the other person willing to compromise, to meet you half way?

It all depends what the poor judgement relates to though. Somethings are worth taking a risk, if they're of minor importance in the scheme of things, and other things aren't necessarily worth risking, if they're a deal-breaker for you. But having said that, it's also not just a matter of take the risk, don't take the risk. It's a matter of assessing the risk, how likely is it that your fears might be realised? Again, to give the example of smoking, or perhaps even drinking or drugs, if a person has attempted several times to give up and has failed, the risk might be higher. If a person used to smoke or drink or do drugs or whatever is the problem behaviour, but gave up six months or a year ago, and hasn't done it since and has quite strong resolve that they're never going to ever again, then maybe the risk is lower.

Only you know how much this 'poor judgement' issue means to you, how much of a deal-breaker it is, and/or how much you could compromise. And only you and the person concerned have a good idea as to the level of risk associated with this particular issue, with this particular person.

Having said all that, if it's someone on the spectrum, then it might be issues like OCD behaviour or self harm issues or maybe bipolar/manic type behaviour or eating disorders, and if there's a kind of 'clinical' element to the 'poor judgement' issue, then again that's more complicated, and it's not necessarily a matter of 'free choice' in some of the other ways, there may be underlying issues that mean it's not so much poor judgement but a co-morbid condition that needs to be addressed.

I don't think the drive for companionship and sexual and emotional intimacy is that overriding, at least not in the initial stages, some common sense and self-preservation would perhaps kick in. I think it's more of a concern when an issue like that crops up but you're already in the relationship and have a lot invested in it emotionally.

yeah that'll be the day lol

poor judgement = having a lazy morning drinking hot chocolate and eating toast in bed

I've just climbed into bed and remembered why I don't usually eat in bed, but in my defence I was hungover after a party the night before and didn't feel like getting up. Damn those crumbs!

Yes it does worsen judgement but it can also make you vulenrable to those with poor judgement.

Misery always loves company.