seems to me something fishy is going on…emotional affair?

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do you think I went overboard? do you think it is all in my head? Please know that although he does spend most of his time at home when not at work (or so he claims), there was a time in the past when he was way too friendly with what he called a co-worker, to the point that at a party at OUR house, heck, MY HOUSE, while I was pregnant his little co-worker friend slapped his butt in front of all the guests and he told me I was OVEREACTING because they were just friends (I was 8months pregnant at the time). Also, it never fails that at least 2 other girls that we both know and are single constantly put me down in front of him and told me how "lucky I was to have him" all while he sat there smiling…(and sometimes, at least from what the girls told me, he even confided things to them that he never talked to me about)…plus of course, the time when we were moving out of the country for his job and the week before we moved he gave me the line of "so glad we are leaving because I am tired of girls at work hitting on me and asking me to go to their apartment even though they know I am married, but I didn't' tell you before because I didn't want it to upset you).

So, I wrote this to my husband today:

Well now that you're always smelling great when going to work... it appears that the cologne that I bought you a year ago is finally getting used. Like, now there is amazing is always a traffic jam on your way home vs before you were saying when you were coming in 10mins . Not to mention that it seems that you love the little games on your phone because the time you spend in the bathroom has changed dramatically in the last 2 months . Sure, do not worry that you're working so many long hours for us ... now I understand why it is that you work so late now compared to before ... I appreciate it. Moreover , I know you're super busy because sometimes you don't call all day and not even on your lunch hour ... Now, of course , please stop the great little game room of sending pics and text messages to your buddies during the weekends . Most of my life I have worked outside the home and even when I had a mobile phone, I never sent little jokes or photos to people at work ... let alone to the opposite sex and when you did not know him. Yes, that is strange ... I see great anger and hatred constantly in your eyes … Now you have a job and are waiting for things to go very well … wow, how things change . Oh yeah , and remember to always leave your briefcase in your car ... These are not accusations, but rather observations that I have ... when things change so drastically in a person that you have lived for over 13 years , you notice the changes . Good day!

AM I being crazy? Am I being just a bit nutty because of my "AS" or does he actually think he can get away with this BECAUSE of my AS?

PS - 15+ yrs and a 12yr old son…ugh

PS sorry not perfect, I used google translate because it was too long to translate

Hi,
No I don't think it's all in your head. Men often cheat when their wives are pregnant. And that woman slapping him on the ass is a really good reason to be mad. It is very disrespectful - as is the other women putting you down. Your husband should defend you. And all the things you mentioned, being late, texting in the bathroom, smelling different - those are all signs of an affair. The question is: what do you want to do about it? You could hire a private detective, find out for sure, but then what? Are you ready to leave him? Lots of men cheat, so if you get along otherwise, maybe you don't want to leave him. If he's not ready to confess and make it up to you, then it doesn't really benefit you to keep accusing him without hard proof. I see you have a 12 year old son. That can be a reason to stay together but you have to be happy too. Both of you should be happy. Being married is hard. It's hard to grow in the same direction. But I do know people that made it past an affair and lasted for many many years together. I guess it comes down to what makes you happy. What is important to you? Is it making it to the end of your life with this same man? Or is it being with someone you can trust (Really only yourself!)? If you want to be with him and make it work, you could begin to leave him so he will know you are serious about the behavior that needs to stop. Without hard proof though, he will probably keep denying it.
Good luck.

Mercedes11…thank you for taking the time to reply. I need that.

He called about 5 hours after the message was sent. Of course, no word on the message itself at all. That's how he handles things…by ignoring them he claims I should understand that he is changing.

I am honestly not sure right now. I cannot imagine my son not being anywhere near his father and yet at the same time, because I live out of the country where my entire family is, I feel stuck…because in order to keep my job (which is already on the line by being out of the country), I would have to move my son to the US. I am not sure if sacrificing my happiness for my son's is the right thing to do or if he will be happy being thousands of miles away from his father if I move him. My son has autism and as we all know, we don't deal well with change. That is something that is hard for me and him. Of course, I know in my heart this is not healthy, but neither is change.

I think my husband KNOWS he got caught, but I am not sure I will ever trust him. He will just do as always which is "start doing the right thing for a while until he gets tired and feels that I should trust him again"…which of course, is not necessarily at the same time that I am ready to trust again.

Maybe it is all messed up and really, this is just incredibly toxic, I get that. ugh

Thanks again for taking the time to read and give me your honest opinion…in a world of BS, this is my place to come for truly honest opinions.

I would have screamed at that woman who slapped him on the butt and sent away those other two girls. I would have screamed at them too. I would've been fuming. They were terribly disrespectful to you.

If I were you I would've packed and left without bothering to write a letter. That's me though.

I guess I would ask this - can you imagine being with this guy for the rest of your life? If you imagine yourself in the future and what this dishonesty *could* bring up, would you have been happier with or without this guy?

smudge, I am trying to figure that out. You see, as an ASPIE not ever diagnosed (although they knew something was off back in 4th grade), my parents always treated me like I was evil. I know this has made me put up with much more than my heart tells me because if they like the guy (as my ex-husband who beat me), they would constantly say that it was "my fault" and I am just the most sh***y and unlovable person in the world. As we know, somehow, we all look for our parent's acceptance even after being adults especially when we never received that as children. I don't know I can live with THIS…I have spoken up and things normally change…but it's just a matter of time before they go back. At that time, I am told, by my husband that "I need to let the past go and stop brining up stuff from the past"…ugh…I don't know anymore. I KNOW in my heart (and thanks to an old ASPIE ex) that I do not deserve this, yet everyone around me constantly talks about how "wonderful" my husband is vs. how "mean" I am. That what he does is "normal" and thus I should just suck it up. No, I really don't believe I deserve this…I know I don't deserve this, yet to leave would mean having every single family member and "friend" turn their back on me, while I struggle alone as a single mom who "asked to be single".

Thanks for listening.

Right, so you know in your heart that these people are wrong, and are effectively lying to you. Right, I am going to decompile your post and list the quotes:

^ How can you when he blatently keeps desrespecting you?

Onto...



^ Yet you know you can't trust what these people say. The majority against you doesn't make *them* right.



^ Good, you're listening to what *you're* feeling.



^ No need to explain yourself - you don't deserve this.




As for the last one - haven't they already turned their backs on you? They're not paying any attention to your well-being or happiness. You have EVERY right to happiness. Do you need such negativity in your life? I would seriously consider cutting them off, at least for a while. You may need a break or even total cut-off from these people, although it seems you already know that deep inside.

How would you treat a friend who was going through this? What would you advise them to do?

Last edited by smudge on 17 Mar 2014, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

whatamess

Even your name spells a cry for help. You're not happy, that's evident. You may find all the excuses in the world to stay in an unhappy marriage. However, what you should really be thinking is if there is too much emotional stress and can you manage it? You may recognise you will never be at ease with how things are and what he doesn't offer, even if you think he's a good parent to your child.

It's not sensible to live a life of emotional pain for what you perceive as being the best for your son. The best for your son is to have people who love him, and not always living unhappily under the same roof.

Of course in time things might change, but right now you have to accept that there are too many aspects that are wrong, and only you can decide what are acceptable limitations to still enable you to be happy, and get a healthy balance in your life.

You are not being respected at the least, and at the worse, you are risking your own physical and mental health.

Some people spend their lives in the wrong place. Realising that your lifestyle is not matching your needs to be happy, and doing something about it is one of the keys to bring peace within yourself.

And the right place is where your home environment is a happy place. Not just a place to "get by".

So if you are happy at home, then that is enough. But if you are hiding under a veneer of complacency, I send you a big hug and sincerely hope that you will not wake up one day regretting what could have been.

We only get one chance.

I said pretty much the same thing to someone else recently, and by saying it to you, who seems to be under similar circumstances, reinforces the fact that I made the right decision.

Think it over and talk to a trusted person about it. Sometimes two heads think better than one.

Good luck.

I would be a bit suspicious to be honest, too, although I don't know where you can go from here except tell him to stop avoiding/ignoring when you're trying to get answers from him, because communication is key, and when he keeps ignoring you, it just drives your mental well being up a tree. Even if he's completely innocent, he should think of your feelings and try and reassure you he's not up to anything, yet from what you tell us, he completely ignores you when you ask.

Tell him you want an answer.

Thanks to all who responded. I agree I will never be happy living this way. I remember years ago a good friend/ex told me "it's better to regret the last 7 yrs than the last 20yrs"…He finally called me before coming home with "I just don't know where this came from?" Really? Oh my. As always, trying to make up excuses to why I was taking things out of context. I had read this and simply told him "no, really, I am not going to argue anymore…when you want to actually LISTEN, then we can talk…if you just want to talk so you can tell me how my feelings are wrong, then really, go to hell"…Before he got home I told him that as soon as he got home he could pick up our son and go out to dinner with him because I needed my time alone. He as always, didn't try to say he was sorry, didn't try to figure listen, didn't try to hear me out…he just went along with it". Fine. I have things to do and I cannot live the rest of my life like this. It has truly taken a huge toll on my health, my peace, even my career since the day we moved in together. I can't continue like this anymore. Thanks to all.

PS for whoever said my username seemed like things were off, yes, you are correct, that is how I have felt for the last 15 yrs with this man and thus the reason that my username is always whatamess…

Thank you to all so much…I really do appreciate you taking time to give me your input and help me out. Forever grateful.

If you can leave him, I think you will be a lot happier. It is very hard to leave someone but if you have already left an abuser, then I know you're strong enough. I too, struggled with leaving a bad husband because of my sons. But in the end I decided it was better for them to have divorced parents than for them to live with us as we were. I thought it would be hard to be a single mom, but since I was still doing all the work but didn't have to look at him lying on the couch, life wasn't as burdensome.

I have great hopes for you - to find your happiness alone (with your son) or with someone who deserves you and treats you with respect. There is a much better future out there for you.