Self Destruct Engaged - Kaboom!!

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Lots of AS guys have relationship problems and I'm sure that mine are not unique. Any insights on the information below would therefore be appreciated.

My relationships don't last. In the beginning when I suddenly realized that girls were cute the odd (rare) relationship lasted six or seven weeks. Eventually I found out why this was occurring (I had fairly rigid attitudes on sex before marriage) and suddenly the girls stayed around for a lot longer.

I'm now 51 which probably makes me one of the older members of Wrong Planet and in my 51 years there have been three really long-term relationships, and I'm talking years here. All three of them self destructed in a very similar manner, actually that's not true, TWO of them self destructed the same way and relationship #3 is just about to follow the same path. In no particular order:

1) I start to notice all the things that annoy me. In this case it's the fact that she's so damn untidy and that shopping once a week takes two hours instead of twenty minutes. Also I hate double standards and she's a master of the 'do as I say not do as I do' school of domestic management.

2) I start to plan how I would cope if she wasn't around anymore. four nights ago I found myself measuring shelves at 11pm at night and working out how I would rearrange the apartment.

3) I find myself doing more and more things on my own rather than as a couple. I've always been a solitary soul anyway so this comes as naturally as breathing.

4) Arguments (maybe that's too strong a word). Disagreements about really petty things such as the choice between tinned or frozen vegetables. These are then followed by long moody silences.

All of this starts to kick in after six or seven years together, so maybe there really is a seven year itch, I don't know. So, is this just me or do ALL relationships go through this stage after a similar period? All comments welcome.

Vanilla Slice

Yeah, seven year itch isn't just a cliche, it's a real phenomenon. Usually by that point you start to get sick of each other, and the novelty has worn off. And sometimes you just want variety.

It sounds from what you said that really things are pretty much over on your side, that you are the one tiring of the relationship and instigating the breakup. Do you ever end up missing the person and getting back together, or regretting your breakup?

Also, did you ever consider an alternative to breakup the monotony, like an affair?

Familiarity breeds contempt. How can I miss you when you won't go away?

Weekly shopping does take 2 hours though, not 20 minutes.

OK, thanks for the two members who have replied. Because I have AS it's virtually impossible to consider having an affair, apart from the fact that I'd look guilty 24/7 because it's difficult to hide my feelings I'm one of these people who thinks that loyalty is really REALLY important. I'm probably unable to have an affair because it's psychologically impossible.

As for the shopping. A couple of months ago I went shopping on my own because my other half was away on a course. It took me fifteen minutes to go round the shelves collecting everything I wanted and just under twenty minutes to clear the checkout. Like most aspies I'm organized. Shopping for the two of us is a radically different experience and consists of long waits by the trolly as she decides which item to pick, walk a few steps, another long wait for the next item, rinse and repeat. How anyone can spend ten minutes deciding which jar of marmalade to buy is beyond me.

VS

mmm if you were under 25 you might have got more replies~ but then, if you've had 3 long term relationships, you're way ahead of most people here and they're probably awed or jealous.

or...maybe a lot of people are away for the xmas period.

anyway, i guess you're single again, enjoy it.

With the shopping thing, it's just one of those female facts of life. They take a long time to do everything.

--Shopping
--getting ready to go somewhere -- 2 hours, every time, no joke. Even a little excursion to the mall -- one hour minimum prep time for her (probably because women like to see what other women wear at the mall, and thus also prep for it).

There's no hurrying them, and they usually are paying more attention to the little details, or planning/thinking on the spot, rather than having done the planning at home.

There's no changing them, it's just something you have to live with. Personally, I just let my wife do all the shopping -- she likes to do it, I don't, so we're happy. I do what I want to do, and she gets our errands done.

My advice -- marry someone from the 3rd world (but educated), they take a somewhat more traditional view of gender roles, tend to be great cooks, and aren't totally spoiled.

Oh joy another stereotyping women thread/response.

Not all women take 2 hours to get ready or go shopping. I take about 30 minutes to get ready, including showering, even for a special occasion. The exception to this is if I go elsewhere to get my hair or makeup done, in which case a professional job will take more time. In those instances I've made the appointments far ahead of time and my husband knows what's going on so he's prepared to watch a football game or whatever while I'm out, not sit around idly.

When I go shopping I go with a purpose, especially if I'm with a man. We go, we find what we need, we might grab a bite to eat in the food court, then we go home, or go somewhere else if we couldn't find it.

And the advice, rather than to find a girl here that suits you, is to marry a foreigner.

/facepalm

What about concentrating on what you love about her, rather than what pisses you off?

Novel idea, apparently, since no one's mentioned it yet. Anyway, I've found it works for quite a few people. Negativity in the relationship is going to tear it apart, seven year itch or not. I'm convinced what works best for those couples that stay married for life is communication, understanding and everlasting affection they're not afraid to communicate to each other. There needs to be a balance, and if all you have is what you hate about her, this is going to create all sorts of emotional and mental disarray.

So, Vanilla, I ask you, what do you love about her? What attracted you to her in the first place? Christmas eve seems an appropriate time for me to be asking this, too.