Not sure how to forgive & forget

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Maybe this needs to go in the Haven, not sure. Sorry. I just don't know what to do about this. I am upset because my husband frequently calls me a b***h and tells me to shut up and it makes me feel really depressed. He tells me that he is sorry but I can't seem to just let it go. I expect him to treat me tenderly and coddle me or something but at the same time I do not want to be around him when he is hurting me. So it is really a no-win situation for him. I don't know what I want him to do but I feel like he doesn't care enough about me.

I guess not many people here are great relationship gurus.. but if anyone has any advice on how I can let go of this, please suggest.

Thanks.

If he's sorry, he shouldn't keep repeating the same mistake.

That is what I say too. That is one of the reasons I have a hard time letting go of it. He says that he says things that he doesn't mean in times of emotional upset.

I guess that means that he is claiming he can't really help it.

We all can say hurtful things when we are upset... so that leads me to the conclusion that I should just let it go. But then I think of the above and I just go in mental circles.

He's abusive. Hire a lawyer. Go for the house, the car, the kids, and half his salary for the next 18 years. Good luck.

sorry to break this to you, but people who love their partners don't say stuff like that to them. or maybe it's just some sick sort of love that I don't understand.

^ Again, that is what I say too....

But he says that is my black-and-white thinking and assuming that everyone must think and behave like me.
How am I to know which is correct?

Last edited by mitharatowen on 29 Dec 2008, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

so what keeps you with him? is he threatening to hurt you or something (I hope not)? are you financially dependent on him?

Counseling.
It's probably something he learned from watching the way his mother and father interacted.
He needs to learn that he NEEDS to change or you will leave, because he is intentionally hurting you, and that is unacceptable, and then he needs to learn how to make that change.

Or....you could just leave him now.

No, neither.
For one I feel like marriage is a lifelong thing except in very extreme circumstances.. I guess it is just not bad enough to leave. For another.. I guess between fights I feel like I am being petty and things aren't that bad. I don't know really. It's difficult.

We can also make a decision to train our selves not to say specific words.

My parents taught me never to say anything in private that I would be embarrassed to say in public
because when under stress that bad language might slip out.

Using vile words is a bad habit to get into but if a person really cares about others they teach themselves to not use that hurtful language.

If he uses that language with you, its a given it slips out in other areas of his life, perhaps with people he works with where it could cost him his job.

No parent who loves their child would tolerate such language.
No spouse should have to tolerate that language either.

If you forgive and forget when your husband uses vile language you're not helping him teach himself to change.

You can forgive, but forgetting is never a good practice and is rarely attainable anyway.

I wouldn't call that petty. you deserve respect like any other human being. has he always been like this? if not, then you never know how it might escalate.

it's very noble of you to treat marriage as a lifelong thing, but you are so young, you have an incredible amount of time ahead of you, you have to ask yourself if you want to spend all this time with someone who doesn't respect you.

hope you'll find some solution to this, you can always PM if you need help or something!

going to bed now. take care girl!

I suppose so.
I don't really feel like I should 'teach' him anything or try to make him change.

Okay, big question: Is he like this to everyone, or is it just you?

My ex was like this, but he treated everyone that way so I didn't take it personally. (And no, that's not why we're divorced.) But that's just how he was.....

Mithra, you remind me of someone who barely escaped an abusive relationship with her life.

You have indicated that you feel guilty or somehow "at fault" for the abuse that you receive, and that the abuse itself is "not that bad."

Please understand that abuse is not normal, and that being called "b***h" is abuse. Eventually, once he gets used to the idea that verbal abuse is okay with you, he will begin to push you around. After that, it's only a matter of time before he either slaps you around or rapes you ... or both.

Yes, it's possible for husbands to rape their wives. "No" always means "No," and you have the right to refuse your husband your "favors."

Some advise counselling. I say that if he places all the blame on you, or tells you that you're exagerrating his abuse, then he has already crossed the line into believing that he can do whatever he wants to you, and that there is nothing that you can do about it.

Mithra, you still have a lot of life left in you. Please don't waste it on a guy who treats you worse than the family dog. Get help. Now.

I don't want to see your avatar smiling back at me from the obituary page or the six-o'clock news ...

Please?

Well, as Susan B Anthony used to say ' a woman's will is her 'won't'. I Call it the Klymenestra option, but I'm not as up on Greek theatre as I should be... The first step in training a mule is to get his attention....

Sounds like he has something on his mind. He needs to come clean, while he still has a marriage to hold onto. Counseling is a good option, but as someone who's been divorced, that's twice as depressing. Hope everything works out.