Touching
08 Feb 2009, 10:24 pm
Should I do it standing or sitting down? Or at their side as opposed to looking at them face-on? I can usually imagine myself standing face-on and at arm's length, in which case I'd have to reach over in order to make such a light touch.
08 Feb 2009, 11:51 pm
Dear unholy Gods! How long it has taken for me to get used to tactile contact...
I'd say it's a practice-makes-perfect sort of thing without a formula, really. I used to avoid touching people to the point that I wouldn't even shake hands. Nowadays, if flirting or just being friendly, a pat on the shoulder or touch on the arm suffices.
In my personal (and humbly miniscule experience), I'd say that it adds a marginal effect to your 'performance.' That is, I flirt by overwhelming people with knowledge...and it doesn't seem to matter if I touch them or not.
09 Feb 2009, 12:21 am
If you're looking for advice on how to do it, then I would say, simply, don't. If it doesn't come naturally, it may not be a good idea to force it. So many times I've met people just trying to go through the moves, and each time it's much more off-putting than it is endearing. Again, I can't speak for all girls, but I've had conversations about this with girl friends and co-workers, and it seems fairly unanimous.
You can ask yourself who you are. Figure out who you are naturally in social situations. If you can figure that out, you can build on it to make something you can put out there easier. I think for most Aspies and auties, self-insight is something of a challenge and is a big problem in social settings, since they don't quite know how they're coming off. I've even seen this behaviour coupled with the ability to read other people, but with total or near-total self obliviousness. It's pretty amusing in theory, but it's pretty miserable for the individual to experience first hand.
I don't know if this applies in this case, but it's something worth considering, anyway.
I know a lot of Aspies are afraid to just be themselves, and that's understandable. Having a grasp of as many aspects of yourself and your actions is a great start. I think then it would be safe to try out new moves, which everyone does, anyway, whether NT or AS.
As for touch, well, I'm sure some of you saw my thread on that. I'd still be interested in knowing how that's experienced. For me, light touch is an important part of flirting, intimacy, foreplay, and everything in between. Even my friends and I use it on each other, and they do the same with their children. It's pretty universal in that respect. But if it doesn't work for you, try desensitization and altering your psychological reaction to it--for example, try imagining how good it can feel. In an intimate setting, you can concentrate on how much it's turning your partner on, or how much it could the same for you if you let it. This seems to work wonders, but I don't want to speak for everyone.
09 Feb 2009, 3:59 am
I'm already used to physical contact by force of living in Mexico, a place where physical contact is something you experience all, and I mean, all the time.
As far as I know, all you have to do is lightly brush your arm or your hand against hers. Do it in a way that seems like an extension of a simple move you're making, not in a way that really seems deliberate. For example, if you're sitting next to her, wait until you have to reach something and use this to brush your hand against her arm.
09 Feb 2009, 5:22 am
Touch seems pretty important in indicating romantic interest.
Touch freaks me out in lots of ways. And just the thought of initiating makes me uncomfortable.
There have been a couple of times where I've tried to initiate an embrace... I can sense how uncomfortable it makes other people feel.
It's probably a motor skill thing actually... because you don't know how to properly move yourself in relation to others. If you are clumsy in other ways... I bet intimate touch is a difficult thing for you.
It's probably best just to do it and not worry about doing it right. I think the hesitation can be felt in the touch... so fully commit to it and just see what happens.
_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.
09 Feb 2009, 6:58 am
You can ask yourself who you are. Figure out who you are naturally in social situations. If you can figure that out, you can build on it to make something you can put out there easier. I think for most Aspies and auties, self-insight is something of a challenge and is a big problem in social settings, since they don't quite know how they're coming off. I've even seen this behaviour coupled with the ability to read other people, but with total or near-total self obliviousness. It's pretty amusing in theory, but it's pretty miserable for the individual to experience first hand.
I don't know if this applies in this case, but it's something worth considering, anyway.
I know a lot of Aspies are afraid to just be themselves, and that's understandable. Having a grasp of as many aspects of yourself and your actions is a great start. I think then it would be safe to try out new moves, which everyone does, anyway, whether NT or AS.
As for touch, well, I'm sure some of you saw my thread on that. I'd still be interested in knowing how that's experienced. For me, light touch is an important part of flirting, intimacy, foreplay, and everything in between. Even my friends and I use it on each other, and they do the same with their children. It's pretty universal in that respect. But if it doesn't work for you, try desensitization and altering your psychological reaction to it--for example, try imagining how good it can feel. In an intimate setting, you can concentrate on how much it's turning your partner on, or how much it could the same for you if you let it. This seems to work wonders, but I don't want to speak for everyone.
Well, I think I know who I am and I'm not anyone else, but I might be making that into a more trivial question than you mean it to be. I can't be too sure of how I come across to other people, if they're not my friends I can believe they enjoy my company after one meeting and totally dislike me after another. So a lot of what keeps me from feeling like I don't get on people's nerves is simply being polite and tentative in my approach.
There was a man I met from Brazil who started touching me on the arm and eventually put his arm around my shoulder after an hour of speaking to him for the first time. The next time I met him he was all over me, just as he was all over his other friends. I guess this is partly a cultural difference because Irish people don't lay on the touch nearly as much, but I wasn't accustomed to it and I found myself tensing up a lot of the time.
Come to think of it, though, I seldom recall any Irish people touching me on the arm or the shoulder and I seldom see that sort of action from people who aren't going out with each-other already. I might just not be observant enough (a likely possibility), but it could also be that it's just not done. Either way I'm not sure how I'd react to a girl I liked suddenly touching me on the arm or the shoulder, and I can't see it coming to me naturally.
It's just that since people regularly tell me that touching is a central part of showing interest, I'm afraid that in refraining from touch I'm also not showing interest. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd be interested in any body contact until I'm well into a hypothetical relationship.
