techstepgenr8tion's recent thread on his ethical dilemma got me thinking about why I am here. First, I'm not sure I have AS. It has always seemed possible, but I am suspicious of variables that explain too much. Second, since it appears likely that I may, I want to understand what is going on with me because of what is going on in my life. Naturally, it revolves around dating. And, just as naturally, this post will be long.
I once described the aftermath of my first girlfriend (when I was 14) as creating an ethical dilemma. She was a redhead, listened to heavy metal music, and lived only seven blocks away. In real life, I usually say that in a way to create the implication that I took advantage of that close distance. I didn't even really ever kiss her. She moved out-of-state after cheating on me with an older guy. She wasn't very interesting, a feeling that was probably mutual, (except that some viewed me as cool because I didn't care what others think), and I couldn't really blame her. I spent high school somewhat detached and misogynistic.
Once I recovered from the misogyny, I realized that all the nice girls I was interested in were (1) Southern Baptists (I'm Catholic) and (2) my interest was primarily sexual. Since I couldn't square seeing them as sex objects and respecting them, I didn't get involved.
After I graduated from high school, I got an office job for the eight months before I matriculated. While there I met some women my age who were interested in me, but the gap in sexual experience prevented me from reciprocating. Once I got to college, this perception continued to haunt me.
Not that I met many people in college. I went to an affluent, moderately sized private school. Being on the bottom edge of the lower middle class, I did not fit in well. My social problems, to which I was largely oblivious, did not help. I think I met four or five girls in my entire four years in whom I was interested. And only two appeared likely, but one disappeared and the other was already seeing someone, whom she later married. Plus, my income provided substantial support for my mother and sister, so between work and school, I had very little time (or so I thought).
By my junior year, I took a leave of absence from work during the school year to work on campus as a computer lab monitor. I discovered Yahoo Personals. I used Yahoo IM and ICQ. I went on dates. My first kiss wasn't until I was 21. Some personal issues, however, quashed any chance of a relationship with that young woman, which greatly upset me. So, depressed and daydreaming of suicide, I plowed on. I met a nice, somewhat offbeat woman three years my junior. We became friends. We became lovers. We moved in together. We married. All in the span of less than five months.
As it turned out, she just wanted out of her tiny Texas town and away from her parents. I just wanted someone. Though I really had fallen in love with her, it was not mutual. She tried. Two years into the marriage, we had our only child. I worked. I went to law school. She raised our son and went to school, working on her B.S. Through school she met someone else. Someone much older than me, though far less accomplished in the eyes of the world. And she left me, first to stay with her parents and then moving back in to sleep on the couch until she found a place. After two weeks of talking through it and seeing the futility, I paid one of my friends to file divorce papers. (I am not yet a lawyer.)
Two-and-a-half months after she told me it was over, the divorce was finalized. But I get ahead of myself. When she left, I lost something: fear. Though the thought of losing my job makes me anxious, I can't honestly identify anything that particularly scares me anymore, except for the thought of losing my son and the like. So, three weeks after she told me, I found myself out for dinner at two in the morning with a woman to whom I had not seen in over ten years, an actress. It went nowhere, but she'll still see me. We had coffee a couple of months ago.
I got a new, better job. Work prevented me from doing much. But I kept in correspondence with an old friend from college. She works not far from me, so we met for lunch one day. Caught up, had a good time. This was several months ago.
One day, on a long layover, over lunch, I sent her an email apologizing for an incident in class in college, um, eight years before. I also said a few other things. She read more into it than what I meant. So she was scarce for several weeks. On reflection, what she would have read between the lines should have been obvious to me. Most NTs would have seen it straight away. But not me. And it wasn't what I meant.
So we had lunch a few weeks ago. Over three hours, she told me about how her year had been. I thought mine had been bad. During those three hours, I experienced something unprecedented in my life. It wasn't a normal conversation, my control over my body language was quite imperfect. No, the difference was that I felt actual sympathy, maybe even empathy. Immediately. Not upon reflection hours or days later. And she understands me, feels that I am largely transparent. No one has said that of or even feels that way about me.
The only vocabulary I have to describe the way I relate to her is that I love her. I like her and certainly have rather deep feelings for her, i.e. I care about her. And always have. For some unknown reason, I implicitly trust her. I don't trust anyone. So yes, she read what I hadn't put there, but, if I had better understanding of my emotions, I would have meant at the time.
Now, here is the dilemma. While she sorts through her own issues and tries to take care of herself, she expects me to do the same. And, in a few months, she very well might be there for me. That is the gist of what she said. Okay, well the problem is I'm going out with someone else Friday. And there's this coworker in a different city that I visit frequently who has been quite forward. As extremely busy professionals, it is quite hard to meet people. And it has been quite awhile.
I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. They are not the same. Any suggestions?
01 Feb 2009, 2:36 am
