so I told him...and i got a weird response

Post Reply New Topic

So i've posted 2 other threads about this, but they are now old news.
Basically i'm a NT girl, who likes a friend of mine who is an aspie
We are 16 and 17.

So today over IM i explained my feelings....that i didn't want to rush, and i didn't know how he felt and i needed to get it off my chest.

He totaly confused me, with some weird responses, no direct acknolegment and after a while he just said he didn't want anything to change. (after i told him the story of my ex...which was a bad idea)

ARGH
does this mean he doesn't like me? because it sounds like he does in the past...and i didn't get a direct answer.
and i don't wana seem over obessed with the subject...

He probably has no idea how to respond...

Perhaps it was a bit of a shock to him? I don't respond well to that sort of thing without some thought, either. Us aspies need time to let stuff absorb into our brain. I bet he's probably at home thinking it over right now.

I am with you jawbrodt. He is taking time to think, partly because this will impact every aspect of his life.

I would not take it as a rejection, just a simple "Let me think about it". Don't pressure, and keep things the same, although that will be hard for you.

well "I dont want things to change" could mean he wants to stay friends, but also that he doesn't want the nature of you two to change, ie doesn't want it to change how you two act around one another.

Though if you could be more exact on both your wording and his that would help

You should tell him again, and this time also tell him that you don't expect a response right away. Just walk away (or change the subject if he still feels like talking), and let him sort things out... he will get back to you once he's done with all that...

Telling him about your ex might have made him afraid that your friendship could end up in a similar way, therefore he doesn't want things to change. Show him that nothing will change, you will still be great friends with an added dimension.

It means just what he said; he doesn't want things to stop being good because he's emotionally comfortable with the way things are now. It doesn't mean he doesn't want the relationship to advance, he's just afraid of everything crumbling.

Well i'm still a little upset over it right now.
But i was thinking about what he said, and he did mention that he didn't know what to say/do.
And was like "what" you don't have to do anything.
He menions that he wasn't sure how to be friendly...which i'm taking as flirting because we are already friends.
I know he hasn't had a relationship before, but i'm okay with that and we can learn things together.
Its just that i gave this long thing about how i felt and his repsonse was just "yea...." and "i'm not sure" and "i had a feeling you felt that way"

He's obviously freaking out as much as you are, if not more. Give him time.

I'll try but its a little frustrating...

Just go at his pace (which, i'm warning you now, will be slooooooooooow...) and let him feel comfortable with the situation, but do take the lead if you can, so that you keep exploring more of your relationship (as an aspie would likely stop exploring if he got the chance)...


Just tell him to keep doing what he's doing for now, and he can work his way up from there as he feels comfortable... the only difference is that the two of you have broken the glass ceiling of mere friendship and now have the potential to move up...


He may not be able to tell that you are also inexperienced, so you should tell him that line, so that he doesn't feel excessively pressured by the relationship all the time...


Those are just generic responses that he's slipping in because, as I was saying, he has no idea what he's supposed to be saying, and needs some time to process all this information...

And i talked to him today....our convo started out nice, chatting away and then he goes...

HIM
yea, was i completely clear last night? i got a feeling i wasnt

ME
no you were not really.... :/

HIM
oh, im sorry, do u have any questions i didnt answer?

ME
Well…your response was just odd...its okay though

HIM
well sorry about that…


and that was totaly unsucessful, because i didn't know what to say, and i know he is trying.

If he's trying, that's clear enough indication that he likes you, at the very least, since he's expending time and energy that could be spent doing other stuff...

he could be taking time to process things, as people have said, and he may not really know how to respond. he could also be saying that he doesn't want things to change and he wants you two to stay friends so i don't know. giving him a direct question that doesn't leave a lot open to interpretation is probably the best way. if you ask him if he likes you and if he'd like to start dating you, you can use whatever words you want, just make sure that it's very clear what you're asking. you can tell him that he doesn't have to respond right away and he can think about it, it might make things easier, but he may also not really know how to open the discussion about it when he does make up his mind, so if he takes a while to respond you may want to check up on him and initiate the conversation to make it easier on him.

i don't know the guy so i can't interpret what he means, but the best way to get an answer is to be very clear. i find ambiguous questions and answers to be the most distressing thing in my social life, especially when it comes to situations like this. i was involved with a girl for a while but she still had feelings with her boyfriend, it took me like 3 talks with her to understand what she was trying to tell me. first she said "she needs time" and i didn't know what that meant, i wasn't sure if that meant she was interested in me and had to get over her ex, or if that meant there was no chance. she eventually told me not to hold my breath, she didn't want to promise me something and then once she figured things out realized she didn't want to date me anymore, but if there was still something there later, something could happen. long story short, i got over her, nothing has happened but i haven't seen her much lately, so i might still have a shot but i don't really care all that much.

Here's my reading on this. He most likely wants a relationship to happen, but he's not sure how his new role as a boyfriend (or dating partner, if in early stages) will play out. I'm sure he heard a lot of negative things about relationships on TV and from other people. So he's concerned that the same things will happen to him. Also, when the concept of being in a relationship was, essentially, dropped on him out of the blue, he was shocked. While I'm sure he'll be happy with the prospect of having you as a girlfriend, he was frightened with not knowing what "rules, rights, and responsibilities" his role as a boyfriend will consist of. (After all, he's never had a girlfriend or done anything with a girl.) He's probably worried about what changes in his life this new arrangement will bring.

I think you should sit down with him one on one, in a quiet pub or somewhere similar, and have an conversation about what will change if you two will start dating. What's scaring him is not knowing what's in store for him. You can even use the word "try", just so he won't feel pressured into it. It sounds like you're giving him a way to back out, but once he agrees to try having a relationship, I'm sure he'll end up liking it and never regretting his decision.

Perhaps the following except from the TV show Full House, where Steve and DJ area breaking up, and are going from a relationship to just friends.

While this is a humorous, exaggerated example, it's a good guideline for how the conversation might play out (except that you'll be going from friends to dating). Be prepared for responses like Steve's, and view them as caused by your friend's lack of knowledge of what a relationship is like. Like I said earlier, it might help to use the word "try". If everything is good and your friend seems happy with the idea, pick a special place where you two can go on your first real date. In this case, kissing on the first date is a good idea, since it'll mark the transition from a platonic friendship to dating.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 31 Jan 2009, 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.