straw poll (for lack of a better thread title...)

Post Reply New Topic

This one is for the ladies: Disregarding the fact that most of you are already taken, if you weren't, would you go out with me, and if not, why?

Basically I'm trying to figure out what my problem is. I've been told so many times by countless women that I'm good boyfriend material, but so far I have nothing to show for it. Obviously, I must have a problem, one I need to correct if I'm ever going to get into a relationship. The issue is, what? Sure, I've used many excuses over the years, but none of them fully explain why

For many years I thought it was being fat and ugly, until someone I knew from high school (and stayed in contact with through college) who is pretty much just as ugly (although not quite as fat) as I am ended up getting a girlfriend, so that's out. The next thing I thought could be the big issue was my overall nerdiness, but another former high school friend of mine that I stayed in touch with that is even more nerdy than I am ended up also getting a girlfriend. The only other thing that comes to mind is the fact that I spend almost all of my free time at my church. But even that gets shot down by this older man (in his 40s) that I know who also spent a lot of time in the church, doing many of the things. He later moved to a different church, but soon thereafter ended up married after having almost no luck up until that point (which gives me limited hope in the form of an extended deadline, but does nothing to actually resolve the situation...)

The point is, all the possible reasons for why I'm still single aren't definitive reasons for anyone to remain single. So what the hell am I doing wrong? I shower daily, brush my teeth, and in general maintain good hygiene, so it's not like I have a woman-repelling stench about my body. I can't think of much else that would push women away. Is it just because all the women are taken and there's nobody left over? I've heard the so-called "statistics" about how women technically outnumber men, but even if those statistics are true, why do I never see any single women around? It can take up to a couple months, but eventually I hear the word "boyfriend" slipped into conversation with pretty much any woman, which is an immediate romantic turn-off for me (a defense mechanism to avoid unnecessary conflict and awkwardness), even though I remain on friendly terms...

Last edited by MostlyHarmless on 09 Feb 2009, 2:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi TOS: speaking as an older aspie woman, there's nothing wrong with you but looking back how I wish one of those geeky aspie guys I had the hots for when I was younger had just made ONE move. I didn't know I was aspie back then but knew I was attracted to guys who were probably like you and I was (some say still, pretty hot)....tell if this fits any of your experience. In high school me and this guy named Sigmund, I swear that was really his name poor guy! We used to compete for the best grades in Algebra. He was tall and skinny with thick glasses and an all out Trekie. After tests, I would go to his desk and say "What you get?" He'd answer then ask the same. I'd then go back to my desk and that was that. In my yearbook all he wrote was STL. All the opportunities he had, never taken. Never spoke to me other than the question after a test. It's still like that. I have an inner radar for Aspie men but for some reason no connection happens. My long winded advise...pay attention. If some cute awkward aspie girl asks you if your going to the the next Star Trek movie....act on it

This will probably come across as harsh, but I know you want good honest useful info here.

For me? Probably weight.

Personally I wouldn't date an overweight person (although a little overweight is ok), because I like to try to lead a healthy and active lifestyle, and it is unlikely we would work in that department. I have a friend who dated a guy with an unhealthy lifestyle, and she became obese during the time they were a couple.

Otherwise I can't see would else would be holding you back...

(If you weren't overweight, we saw each other in day to day life, and there was mutual attraction there, I am almost certain I would date you - everything else seems fine to me)

Although I'm obviously not here to answer your question, it may be worth keeping in mind that your internet persona might be more attractive than your real-life one. I'd be tempted to ask the same question of the women here (or elsewhere) but for that difference.

I expect you dont appear to be wanting a relationship to women. Women flirt with guys who look at them, so eye contact could be a problem. If you appear aloof and unaproachable you wont get approached. several guys with AS that I met definately have a keep away vibe going on (I guess with their body language). smile at women.

Internet people's opinions about you on an online forum don't really count. As Hector said,your Internet persona might be perceived way differently by women than your real persona.

And I know that you can't ask such question to women in real life because they'll see as a creep or loser.

Oh btw, take note that not-so-young taken women's opinions don't reflect at all the general opinions of young single women about you, even in real life.

I can't really say because I don't know you very well. But my first thought is that you break down your 'bad' characteristics and point out someone who got a girl inspite of that particular characteristic. While this may be true, perhaps it is the combination of all such issues that scare off the women? Or conversely, perhaps the examples of guys who got women anyway are the exception to the rule or have something really amazing about them that a woman would like inspite of said issue.

It's really hard to say. But in my experience, almost everyone finds someone at some point.

I would guess that if I were the one asking the question, it would be because I wasn't geographically convenient enough.

The San Antonio-Austin area is a real sausage fest--not to be confused with Wurstfest, held in New Braunfels every October.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 09 Feb 2009, 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I share the same idea about this as MostlyHarmless.

I like you ToadofSteel. If you are as fat as you say you are, I think it would be a good idea to focus on yourself and body image right now so you can improve it. Maybe you do have a good body image, I don't know you well enough to say. At any rate, people who take care of themselves generally care about themselves more than people who neglect their bodies and mind. Think of physical fitness like you do school. It requires time and attention.

Chris Farley was a hot fat guy though. And Jack Black looked way better fat than he does now. There is something endearing about a funny fat guy.

I've been asking myself this question too, although I don't think I'm fat and ugly compared to the average female.

it would be cool to get asked once in a while. not that I would go, I would probably chicken out anyway or find some lame excuse. I could agree if I didn't realise that it was a date, for example if you'd ask me if I can come to your place to help you move furniture :p

There is such a thing? All the women my own age will eventually drop the word "boyfriend" into the conversation, even 4-6 months after I've met her...


Well that is what I asked for, did I not?


I guess I'm in a bit of a catch-22 situation here then... I'm a compulsive overeater, and that condition tends to get aggravated whenever I'm even more depressed than usual, such as right now... Other than the food issue, I do tend to take care of myself... I maintain a good level of hygiene (on par with the average working american), and I'll go out walking and/or running on days that are warm enough (i.e. not in the middle of winter where it gets to 20 degrees or under)...


I can't just approach any random woman out of the blue, since she might be taken (and as I mentioned above, almost all women my age are taken). Nothing could possibly be worse than having to put up with a pissed off boyfriend after I make a pass at some woman... At least here I can get decent answers and chalk the awkwardness of the question up to the AS... but in the real world, I can't expect the women to know that I even have the condition...

it is very hard, I understand completely. I dont think you should approach random women either as they would have nothing in common with you. I meant to say that I thought when you did find someone you liked to make sure she knows you like her.

If I was you I would go to an evening class which had lots of women (art, yoga, meditation, friends of the earth, psychology).

I dont have any luck either- dating sucks

Toad of Steel --

You asked, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents, and no insult or offense intended, and only knowing you from what you've written in this specific sub-forum, not the others --

I think you're probably coming off as acerbic/acidic or negative. You've already rattled off and discounted (rightly) all the other reasons you can think of -- nerdiness, obesity, looks, church, etc. -- what's left is your personality.

Mind you, I'm not saying that you have to change your entire personality (not really possible anyways), but it's obvious you are giving off a negative/angry vibe that is driving people away, especially women. I know a guy like this at work -- very handsome, girls love him, until he opens his mouth, and then they realize he's a mean and nasty MF'er, and not in a "bad boy" dashing way. I also had this problem for a while -- too into hating, too threatened by everything, and giving off this vibe that I was weak, because I was angry and mean all the time. Any guy that expends negative energy too often in actions or words, and has it witnessed, loses power in that person's eyes.

George Foreman had this problem, and finally woke up when he realized it was costing him everything and getting him nothing.

It's hard to be positive when you feel like life is unfair, that things are stacked against you, or that you are owed something by life. You haven't liked my previous advice on this subject, but at some point you are going to have to make an "investment" in a better attitude -- it will pay off, but it's a long term investment, and a leap of faith.

Well I'm actually trying to do something about my situation now (at least that's what I keep telling myself), and I figured eliminating negative traits as being the root cause was a start that I could manage...


Well I do get the vibe from the few women I do know that they're willing to be on friendly terms, and I will accept that quite easily. Hell, last weekend I was at a wedding reception, and this girl I knew for some time and was friendly with (though I didn't have any particular feelings for) literally *dragged* me onto the dance floor. Granted, the reception was designed to be kid-friendly (since both members of the "happy couple" were youth group leaders at another church), but the fact that someone was willing to do that has helped my confidence just a little (although not much), which is why I'm feeling a bit better now than last week (when I blew up in your face...)

However, while I accept friendly intentions (and I generally attempt to send "friendly" vibes to people participating in activities that I'm also a part of), I'm wary to give off romantic overtures for two reasons:

1) In my experience, women my age are always taken... Eventually, a woman will mention a boyfriend when talking to me, even 4-6 months after meeting her. When that happens, it's an instant turn-off to me (romantically, anyway... I still remain on friendly terms), mainly as a defense mechanism on my part to avoid confrontations with said boyfriend and to avoid the awkwardness of hitting on a taken woman...

2) In the past, when women have initiated "romantic" encounters, it was often for the purpose of procuring something (often my knowledge, especially during high school). At one point in high school, I even said "If you want me to help you, you just have to ask nicely, not go through all this romantic crap"... For the longest time, the only reason women would hit on me was for my brain, and since I'm highly defensive against bullying (and being used in general), I would often rebuff such advances... But sometimes, I wonder if such advances may have been genuine... Unfortunately, I don't have nearly as much contact with women that I used to, and I can't possibly try to figure it out now...

Yeah, it sucks. I'm not saying I'm perfect; a group of guys in the street today said I had a fat arse, but I guess it's not bad enough with me to make a difference relationship-wise. I understand about the compulsive eating thing because I could be a compulsive eater if I let myself. Believe it or not, I constantly battle this. I have always been greedy, and overly interested in food, and I've had to force myself to abstain (especially lately). The truth is, being overweight also makes you depressed (I am more heavy than I usually am atm and it's amazing how much even those 2 or 3 extra kg's affect my mood; I couldn't imagine what result 10 or more would have). I think compulsive eating fulfills a need, but the only way to ever escape its clutches is to forcibly replace it with something else less harmful. It's like smoking or drinking, you know it's destroying your body, but it's very hard to quit.

Look, about relationships at any rate, don't tear yourself up about it. It's just not worth it. That's what I believe. I have no idea when I will enter my next relationship, if ever, but it's not worth wasting the emotional energy being miserable over it. The thing is that there's really little you can do (once you've already put yourself out there in the market, and made yourself as appealing as you can while still staying true to yourself), so you are forced to wait and something may or may not come along depending more on chance than anything.

Relationships are more like an unexpected winfall (like winning the lottery) than a privilege and a right (like society makes them out to be). You'll only be making yourself unhappy by mulling over your failure so far in this area, it's like mulling over how unfair it was that you didn't win the powerball.