Freaking ambivalence (new update)

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In an earlier post, I mentioned how I was sending someone I held special a package containing a guide to the Katy trail (she's wanted to bike it some weekend), and a box of cookies, home made from my own recipe. So she gets it, and then I get a thank you email (no phone call!), and the email totally dodges the elephant in the room. She says she loves the cookies, and the book. That's it. What the heck!? Sending someone a gift on Valentine's day is just about as explicit as you can get, yet nothing in return. So I sent her an email back that made my feelings EXPLICIT. I poured my heart out. No reply yet, still waiting. I've probably shot myself in the foot, but I feel like I've reached the point where I'd rather self destruct myself than waste more time and money on a lost cause. Because at least I'll have gotten a straight answer. What a crazy world, where saying what you feel means there's something wrong with you.

I do feel like this is a crossroads. I've lost count of how many times I've tried to establish a relationship, only to be denied, or strung along and dropped once I cease to be a convenient, exploitable source of money, labor and chaffeuring. Always a friend and good worker, never, never, never good enough to be a lover. Well to HELL WITH THE WHOLE WRETCHED LOT OF THEM! If this turns out the way I think it will, I'm done. Gonna focus on my work, my career, and my athletics. To improve myself and make my name in the industry, so then when those fools come to their senses, I can do some using and rejecting of my own, and see how they like it. Companionship, bah! A panacea to ease the pain of decline and death. The dull the knowledge that when we're all gone, few will care, and soon, they'll die, and then no one will care. Well, my legacy isn't going to be a mortgage, a tombstone and a hausfrau and maybe a couple of rotten kids. I'm going to devote my life to doing something greater, better, that will last longer and be treasured by more people. And then they'll love me. Then they'll care.

God, it feels good to get that out.

BR

Thanks man. That's what I like about this board. People are supportive and up front. Again, I ask, is it us, or the NTs who are truly the weirdos?

Yeah, that sounds just a bit rude of her.

I fall more into the NT way of doing things socially, and I still don't agree with most of the ways they handle things. Usually, though, they're just as confused -- ever heard those radio shows that cater to the love confused? Most of the people are NTs. Dear Abby's been around forever. Trust me, being NT doesn't mean someone's exempt from acting like a social ret*d. In fact, I'd say I've known a handful of more socially aware non-NTs (ADHD, AS), since they take what they have and combine it with reason and analysis.

Anyway, had that been me, and I'd not been interested in you, I would have called and thanked you heartily for both, telling you what I liked most about them, and then, without saying anything, sent a little something back. Unless you're a complete ass to her (I'm not assuming, this is hypothetical), there's no real reason for coldness, even if she's not interested. Simply, it's almost a faux pas in itself, but then there is always variation in any culture.

Don't take it personally, I say. It was a nice gesture, very thoughtful.

Sort of like the old story of the witch who poisoned the well. And when the townsfolk drank from it they went mad. Soon, the only one left was the King, pitted against a whole town turned against him. So he drank from the well himself, and then the town rejoiced for their King was mad no longer.

I got a reply to my note, and she said in no uncertain terms that she wasn't interested. I got this sense of disgust in the letter, like how dare a pathetic little person like me even think I have a chance with her. Just another load of wasted time and money with nothing to show for it. I'm nearly 25, and haven't had a girlfriend, a kiss, or held a f*ckin' hand. I can't remember the last time I've touched someone or been touched, apart from handshakes. I feel like I did back in little league. I was a poor player, so I was always on the bottom of the lineup, or stashed in the outfield. I was in the game, but never really a player. Do any of you feel sometimes like we're akin to the poet E.T.A. Hoffmann in "The Tales of Hoffmann"? Destined for failure in love, wedded instead to our respective muses.

Well I won't make the same mistakes he did. I said before I felt I was at a crossroads. Road taken. I'm done. I quit. To hell with all wretched, spiteful, greedy, vain, money grubbing women. To hell with the pain, the emotional humiliation, the usury. To hell with doing all the work, and being denied even the simplest sign of affection. To hell with being made to feel inadequate. To hell with the sadness and the rejection and the emasculation.

Please, everyone. Devote your lives to more important things than those mouth breathers we have to share space with. Devote yourself to something that will endure long after the flesh That is the key. Everything else is trifling and waste.

BR

Sorry, man. My advice: relax, let go of the bitterness. Nothing good will come of hanging onto this negativity and resentment. And btw, I take offense to you referring to women as "the whole wretched lot of them" and implying that just because a girl isn't interested makes her somehow a bad person. Sure, if the girls you knew did string you along or use you for money, that's a sucky thing to do and they deserve being judged. But don't lump all girls into the category of shallow, money grubbing, etc. Sounds like you just want to make things easier for yourself by putting the blame on others.