Help! NT cnfused about AS

Post Reply New Topic

I've talked to dozens of people, parents and even researched various websites online and I still don't understand AS or Asperger's Syndrome. What's worse is that I really care about this guy in my high school[and whom I've been friends with since last year] who has AS and we dated twice, once for a week last spring and again for a week and a half this pats August. However, I was peer pressured into breaking it off with him over the phone by some of my NT friends and really hurt him. I regretted it afterwards but now he avoids me so as not to get hurt again[or so I've heard]. I've tried apologising in person and even sent him an email trying to persuade him to talk to me, but nothing has worked. A friend of ours says he still likes me and I miss him, but I'm afraid I don't understand him. Please, someone help me by responded to this thread or even email. Please.

If you don't think I'm serious about this go here: http://aiyetoro.spaces.live.com/, to see my recent attempt to regain his trust and to get his attention.

Well I'm not clicking on that link because of the "if you don't think I'm serious..."
remarks. You would not be making this post if you were not serious.,or maybe infact want
user to click on that link for unknown reason maybe to see how current our win XP
patches are.

Anyway best way to make up with this guy is to tell straight up you do not want to be
his girlfriend but you would be down with being friends with benifits if he can keep it
all quiet.

I don't think someone would post a link to a Microsoft website if they were trying to send you a virus.

Here in America, that's over the top.

I didnt find it "over the top" but I have a lot of "stalker" in me when I like someone.
Sometimes it takes people longer to get over someone and trust that NT pressure wont make the person repeat the behavior....sometimes,some aspies have a hard time forgiving or forgetting when they have been burned.The thing is,no matter how much you read about AS, we are all different in many ways,so I dont know if anyone can give you any advice because what works for them may be ineffective for another aspie....I know for myself....when a boyfriend cheated on me and another one slapped me....I was done with them...I had no more "feeling" for them...it was like a light switch was turned off....but it sounds like your aspie friend still has "feelings" for you?So you may still have a chance if you give him the time he needs to feel safe with you again...before that happens,you need to look inside yourself and be honest....can you stick by him this time even if your friends or others pick on him or pressure you to fit in with their ideas of the "perfect" friend or boyfriend...he may have lost some respect for you that you would be pressured by others or even have those kind of friends(who dont like him) as friends...I would have,but thats me....I wont be friends with someone who has racist,mysoginist or violent friends.

Have to say I kind of agree with this statement. Did you break it off because of what your "friends" would think. If they're going to pressure you into going against your heart and better judgement simply the basis that they don't find him "cool" enough. You really hurt him when you chose your so called friends over him and would not be suprised if he has lost respect for you.

My advice to you, is to give it some time,let him cool down and then maybe he'd be more open to talking. Otherwise count your losses, consider it a lesson learned and move on.

I understand everything your saying[and to the person who thought I was sending them a virus if they clicked the link, I have no knowledge of that. Chris was the comp. genius]. It's just that despite how much I care about him I still feel like I'm missing something about him. I just want a little more general information that might be useful to me for my relationship with not only him but my other friends with AS.

You have other friends with AS?Are you some kind od AS magnet,something in the water in you neck of the woods?(joking)......People with AS are "individual"...there may be some common traits but how the person exhibits this traits and what is "going on"internally is unique.If you are really interested in learning...keep researching on line and read the forums here...I think they are a good represintation of the way people with AS feel and think and what issues they are dealing with.

I like when people are direct. The website is touching, but a little over-the-top. Maybe it's not over-the-top for an NT, but I have seen NT's do wierd stuff to get each others attention. But for me, I have no continuum - I am either comfortable in a relationship or think the person is a bunny boiler.

So, I think you should be direct with your friend. And don't assume all people with AS are the same - as was stated earlier, we are individuals even if we share common traits. Also, my comfort level with the way my friends treat me depends on the friend so don't assume that because one Aspie reacts to someone else a certain way they will react to you the same way. I'm a lot more comfortable around people I've known for a long time. I am sure that you are a nice person, but I doubt we'd "hit it off". To me, it's wierd that NT's can just talk to each other for 5 minutes and then be best friends who are glued at the hip.

This is my opinion, so take it for what it is. One INDIVIDUAL's opinion.

I don't get how people meet and are friends after 5 mins either. And the reaosn why I came here was because no matter how much online research or just plain talking to people I do, I still haven't grasped the whole idea of what it means to have AS and how it affects people, or him. I don't know what to look for and stuff. For example, I treated Chris like I would any other person but was told I was wrong for doing that, that because of his 'condition'[as a lot of people put it, even his mom] I was wrong for treating him, and responding to him like I would any NT. I just wish I knew what I feel like I'm missing. I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing but I also don't want to miss anything important. I might not be dating Chris anymore[even though we still harbour feelings for each other], but I'm still his friend.

I would like to help but I just dont know what you are looking for....maybe if you gave specific ex. we could tell you better but the DX of AS is too complicated to give a specific answer for a vague question...."what am I missing"....what do you know about it and then maybe I could tell you something you left out as it applies to me ...but I am not Chris...and he surely has different issues and senitivities....Does that make sense...I mean if you had a friend with a bladder infection ...I could tell you that they might be experiencing pain when they urinate and that cranberry juice can help some people but they may need to get an antibiotic........AS isnt like that.

I appreciate the help though. And I love this website. I find it so much better to navigate and get direct answers to my questions of whta to look for or possible things to look for. I understand why my relationship with Chris was complicated a bit more now and quite frankly feel guilty. I tried to blame him, but the way he acted wasn't his fault. It was just who he was. I always thought that by him never saying 'please' or 'thank you' or other related and inappropriate things he does was just because he was an ass not that it could hav eto do with his AS. I should have been more patient. I'm curious to know if people with AS mind being asked about or to talk about AS. Like Chris for example, I'm curious to know how much differently AS affects him, ect but I'm concerned I might offend him or hurt him, which I most definitely don't want to do again. If I reply again by saying things I noticed with him, like reactions, interactions, ect if that would help anyone looking to help me understand him better and how to react or judge what he's thinking or feeling or trying to express better.

Your wanting to understand him is good but I think you missed what I was saying...I could only tell you what "I" would think/feel in similiar situation....he is not me ...we are not interchangable leggo pieces that all fit together....I just dont want myself or anyone else to speak for Chris...it wouldnt be fare to him and presumptious for us....

Asperger syndrome is a PDD (pervasive developmental disorder).

Pervasive - complete, total and all encompassing, through and through, not just on the surface

Development - how we learn, how we interpret, how we perceive, how we change with experience

Disorder - that's debatable, but it can be a burden to be different, it can also be no big deal depending on the person's experiences, interests and his degree of "Aspieness".

Mainly, accept that he is who he is, which is quite unique and that he will never be like you, no matter how you try to affect him. Some of his interactions may be very awkward at times and he may decide that it's just not worth it to join in with what seems like the simplest things to you. There is no linear scale of predictability concerning his actions or reactions, abilities or challenges. You will have to get to know him.

Are you really sure you want to deal with all this? If so, then good for you, because he probably needs to have more friends. Keep studying and in a few years you will start to understand more.

Right now I think all I can really do is keep informed and to patiently wait for him to come to me. There's only so much research I can do... I'm hoping that he'll come to me before it's too late, and that he won't mind talking to me about it. Hopefully...

You did a grave mistake ...take it as a lesson and move on.