Advice for NT with Possible Aspie Husband

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My husband and I have two sons who are on the spectrum. They are young toddlers. When my husband is stressed, says things about the boys that are very cruel. They don't understand him, but I still find it troubling.

As a boy, my husband had the same "autistic behaviors" as our sons. And as an adult he has social and sensory issues. Also he memorizes stock prices daily and things of that nature, which seems unusual. So, I'm inclined to think that he might have Asperger's or might fall somewhere else on the spectrum.

Knowing that, it is hard for me to fault him when he makes bad remarks about the kids. At the same time, I don't want my children to suffer once they're of an age where they know what he's saying. It seems like my (possibly Aspie) husband just needs an acceptable way to vent his frustrations. Any thoughts, opinions, ideas?

PS: His frustrations are many. One of our sons is low-functioning autistic and they both have challenging behavior issues. Also, we have no free time -- so, unfortunately going for a walk to cool off is not an option.

It comes down to helping him find new coping techniques. He could say what he's saying because he doesn't realize that it's not appropriate to say them. It takes awhile to help him switch but it's imperative for the relationship between him and his sons.

If it helps to script it for him, then do that. When he's calm and his energy is down, I would sit down and talk to him about what's going on and how you can help him through the moments where his energy is equally high.

My advice may seem almost contradictory, but I don't mean it that way.

Primarily, even if he is on the spectrum, he is obviously high functioning and intelligent enough to know what he is doing and saying - Aspergers isn't and shouldn't be a blank check to say and do whatever we want, especially when it has an extremely deliberately negative effect on someone else, and when it is used that way I think it is a weak excuse that furthers negative stereotypes for the rest of us. So you should fault him for his bad remarks about the kids to an extent, because its not like he "just can't help it" or "just doesn't know any better." He is an adult and they are children, and there is never an excuse for verbal abuse - especially to small children. There is being quirky and well-meaning but clueless, then there is just being cruel.

Just like with the kids, notice what triggers him/causes sensory overload that leads to outbursts and the two of you need to work together to figure out a way to mitigate it.

What you should forgive is an occasional slip-up or outburst that is followed by remorse, because at least he knows where he went wrong and knows it isn't right behavior. This is something people on the spectrum can't be held 100% responsible for, because it happens, but we shouldn't be let 100% off the hook, either. Mistakes need to be learning experiences about what his limits and triggers for outbursts are to help keep bad behavior at bay. And as the kids age they tend to understand and respond to this remorse, even if what was said/what happened was horrible, and they'll have plenty of outbursts of their own. I think every family has this happen, its what happens after that makes or breaks relationships.

My father is cruel, and probably about where I am on the spectrum. My niece has a mild learning disability and never learned to read well, honestly through neglect, while the rest of the family, like her brother, has high enough IQs to teach themselves when no one else is looking. He'll say things like "her brain is rotten" and "she's trash," "she'll end up on the street with drugs" - she was only 10 - 12 at the time and could hear him - and no one would get her the academic help she needed.

Finally I made enough money to send her to a tutor and moved close enough to help, and I always told her I believed she was smart enough to get on level and that if I saw her trying her best it was good enough for me, no matter what the outcome. Yesterday she made the A/B Honor Roll for the first time in her life. He still would never admit that what he said about her is wrong in any way, and that is the crux of the problem.

Just the same, Austic kids are challenging and frustrating (sometimes my niece would slack off, and I'd want to quit, too, but I never told her that), but when they get the help, love and positive support they need with respect to their limits, they can accomplish more than you think and hopefully will learn how to control their behavior issues better with age and figuring out the triggers as they get older.

I can imagine how frustrating it must be! And he very much might not realize how his comments are effecting you or their potential effect on the kids, and is just trying to vent frustrations. But again there is a difference between venting and abuse, and he needs to realize where that line is and dedicate himself to trying his hardest not to cross it.

That saying you're frustrated and why is totally ok, strongly correcting and disciplining the kids when they misbehave is ok, removing yourself to another room is ok, even screaming into a pillowcase is ok - but he also has responsibilities and screaming, beating (I don't know if you spank, spanking is normal in my world, and I've seen the difference between spanking and beating, and it is a very clear line) calling the kids names or belittling them for who they are is child abuse.

My first girlfriend had a younger brother with classic autism. He sometimes got on my nerves because he reminded me a bit too much of myself as a child, and I preferred to forget those memories. Perhaps your husband sees a bit of himself in your boys and it reminds him of things that he'd rather not be reminded of - ie. they make him aware of his own inadequacies.

My son has HFA and I believe (and so does my husband) that my husband has HFA or aspergers. I learned this as I learned about my son. My husband seems somewhat like yours. He has a stressful job and is easily frustrated, and because of this he has no patience with my son a large part of the time. He isn't physical, and he doesn't say anything directly degrading to my son, but he yells all the time. He can't just talk to him, he's always yelling. Also, when he asks him to do something he expects instant reaction, and he can't ask him to do anything without following up with a threat. He can't just ask and say please. This isn't directly degrading, but it does send the signal to him (and me) that he thinks that my son can't do anything without being "made" to do it, as though he never listens. I grew up with a yeller that did the same thing. It's not necessarily considered "abuse" but is just as damaging in my opinion. (there are other things too but I don't want to write a book)

What I try to do is talk to my husband all the time (when he is receptive), give him things to read that validate my position, and tangible examples of approaches that show him how much easier it can be to get our son to cooperate if you just show a little patience and get over the expectation of instant compliance. Since your husband is familiar with autism, you can use what he feels to illustrate that it is the same for your child. He feels the same anxiety from "this" as you do from "that", please cut the kid a break, and keep reminding him. If my husband truely gets that connection he is more motivated to change. He slips but we keep talking and talking (and sometimes fighting) but we do make progress. It's really (really really) slow but we do. It's like I have 2 kids and I'm "teaching" them both. We also have a deal that when he is in one of his moods I totally take over the care of our son and we all stay away from him until he's over it. It's not ideal, but at least we don't have to listen to the yelling and threats and frustration.

I believe that my husband doesn't understand how he comes across to my son, and also other people. We have talked about this for years. I don't allow him to get away with bad behavior, but I do approach it with some understanding of this, but I DO NOT allow anything that is abusive. I will fiercely defend my son in that situation with no empathy for my husband. I do feel that early in our relationship he was (mentally) abusive to me, he doesn't see that at all. To an extent it isn't his fault, but that doesn't mean he gets out of the responsibility of dealing with the consequences of his behavior.

You are in a difficult situation and I feel for you because I know how hard it is. My biggest piece of advice is to be a nurturing, loving mother to your children. No matter what your husband says to them, if they have one person in their life that understands them and is nurturing to their needs it will help them in the long run deal with your husbands personality. Also, do everything you can to help your husband really bond with the kids. Try structured activities that include both of them, and facilitate a positive experience. The more you do that, the more they will bond and he may ease up. It works for my husband. It may for yours. My husband gets better and better as time goes on. Even my family has noticed. He may mellow over the years too and that will help.

Good Luck!

Thank you! You all made such good points. It's true he does need to be more accountable. But it's almost like he's a different person when he has these outbursts. Once he calms down, he's very apologetic. He seems just as confused about his behavior as I am.

I do think it may help to identify what sets him off and script an appropriate reaction. I think what bothers him most is the sound of the children crying or doing vocal stims. It's viscious cycle, they get unhappy, so my husband gets unhappy, so they get unhappy . . .

I appreciate you all sharing your experiences. They make me feel less alone and more committed to changing things for the sake of the children. I do also agree with the poster who said that my husband might see something in the kids that he dislikes in himself. Even some of the hurtful things that he says to/about the boys are similar to the things his parents said to him when he was young.