Jealousy: The best way to avoid it

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

Oraiste
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 9
Location: Ohio

27 Feb 2009, 2:27 pm

I am dating the most lovely girl in the whole entire world. The problem is not with her, it's with me.

She has a lot of different friends that she talks to, and I find myself becoming very jealous. My thought process is that she likes hanging out with them more than me (I know this isn't true, she'd told me so before), and therefore I feel like one of them is going to 'steal' her away from me. So there's also some paranoia/insecurity playing into this too.

I used to get really angry with her, but I've stopped doing that and channeled my anger into different mediums. We've both been working on things to help the situation out. She makes more of an effort to hang out with me, and I make an effort to meet a lot of her friends. But I still feel that bitter jealousy feeling sometimes still.

I was wondering if you guys had any additional tips or ways for me to handle this? I've been trying hard and it's been getting better, but I'd like to be completely rid of my jealous ways. Thanks so much.



JohnHopkins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,463

27 Feb 2009, 2:36 pm

1. Logic. This isn't going to happen. She won't cheat on you, she loves spending time with you more than them. It's obvious.
2. Get these feelings off her chest. Tell her how you feel, saying in advance you don't want it to effect her decision. That way she knows how you feel, you feel a little better, and nothing is getting repressed. Just make sure you put across that you aren't trying to influence her and just want to get it out.
3. Realise those feelings will, to some extent, always be there.



Oraiste
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 9
Location: Ohio

27 Feb 2009, 2:48 pm

JohnHopkins wrote:
1. Logic. This isn't going to happen. She won't cheat on you, she loves spending time with you more than them. It's obvious.


You're right, of course. I need to remind myself of this more.

JohnHopkins wrote:
2. Get these feelings off her chest. Tell her how you feel, saying in advance you don't want it to effect her decision. That way she knows how you feel, you feel a little better, and nothing is getting repressed. Just make sure you put across that you aren't trying to influence her and just want to get it out.


We've talked a lot about it, and I've made it very clear that I don't want her to have less friends or anything like that. I waited a little longer than what I should have, though.

JohnHopkins wrote:
3. Realise those feelings will, to some extent, always be there.


As depressing as that is to hear, you're probably right. I'd like the jealousy feeling to greatly decrease from what it is now, though.

But thank you for the input :>



makuranososhi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,805
Location: Banned by Alex

28 Feb 2009, 10:47 am

Oraiste wrote:
I am dating the most lovely girl in the whole entire world. The problem is not with her, it's with me.

She has a lot of different friends that she talks to, and I find myself becoming very jealous. My thought process is that she likes hanging out with them more than me (I know this isn't true, she'd told me so before), and therefore I feel like one of them is going to 'steal' her away from me. So there's also some paranoia/insecurity playing into this too.

I used to get really angry with her, but I've stopped doing that and channeled my anger into different mediums. We've both been working on things to help the situation out. She makes more of an effort to hang out with me, and I make an effort to meet a lot of her friends. But I still feel that bitter jealousy feeling sometimes still.

I was wondering if you guys had any additional tips or ways for me to handle this? I've been trying hard and it's been getting better, but I'd like to be completely rid of my jealous ways. Thanks so much.


First, you're wise in the first place to realize the problem exists within yourself instead of continuing to blame externally. I agree with JH, that if you are a jealous person that there will likely always be a tinge felt, but you can learn to become familiar with what it is and allow it to pass unheeded. Understanding that the time spent with others is an opportunity for you to spend time with either your own friends, or to spend doing things that are important to you so that the time that you do spend together is free and unimpeded. I've had to write out why I am jealous at times; seeing it in print has made me realize that at times, my fears are completely unfounded. Lastly, remember that when grasped too tightly, relationships and people have a remarkable ability to slip through our fingers... life is fluid, not made of stone, and things will change in time.


M.


_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.

For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!


Legato
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 822

28 Feb 2009, 12:11 pm

You can take this in a positive light. Many girls will want all of your time, but you found one that knows the value of spending time away from each other. Take that opportunity to be social with your friends.



Sorenna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 519

01 Mar 2009, 1:18 pm

Jealously can make a woman run.

Yes, people can and do cheat. THat is the way I look at it. SOmetimes they do and even sometimes people who think they never would do.

One of the things to consider when getting involved.

That is great about aut and asp partners, they tend to lie less. They will say right out- yes I cheated.



Dee_
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jul 2007
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 398
Location: Ft. Worth, TX

05 Mar 2009, 2:33 am

I have those same issues as well... It seems to be a combination of insecurity issues coupled with attachment issues being autistic... Like having a TI-85 calculator with me all the time for an example...

Try to think of it in this way...

Find three things about her that few people know of... and work on thise things as a means of something you both can share together... Personal or close things... also do the same with her...

Now, work with those things and make it a joint thing... So that when you're not around, she is drawn to you as well as these personal things that you and her will cultivate together... When she is with her friends hanging out and stuff... you will be in an area of her life that they will not be able to get as close and also when you're not around she will miss you and desire to be with you even more...

If you put her on a short leash, she will buck, but if you giver her more room, she will have more respect and would eventually rather be closer to you... Respect yourself.... if you can not respect yourself, who else can respect you?

My wife likes music very much, likes nature a lot and education... I seek to strive to do these sort of things in these areas with her as hopefully she does with me in other things....

You draw her close... no need to be jealous, rather nurture and do things together that she finds important.... let her know it is all good... When you are involved with growing and nurturing an intimate relationship (emotionally, and intellectually intimate)... you will find that there is not much room at all to be jealous.... because you will be focused on her more than yourself (less)...

Hope this helps...