Am I wasting my time?

Post Reply New Topic

I am engaged to a guy and I really love him and want to look after him, and in alot of ways we're really well suited. He seems to prefer socialising in small groups as much as I do. My other boyfriends have always wanted me to go out with them and hang out with family and friends ALL THE TIME and I found it draining. This guy prefers to watch a video with me or play on his computer if I need time to myself. He's gorgeous and ambitious and intelligent. And I know that he would never leave me, which is one of my biggest fears in relationships.

But at the same time he has a really nasty streak. He has a severe drinking problem (12 +standard drinks per day) and I don't drink. The person he becomes when drinking has a lot to do with my feelings. He has these mood swings and lashes out and gets violent. If he doesn't get violent he gets manipulative and reminds me of mistakes I've made in the past that I've told him in confidence. He hates cuddling, but forces me into having sex with him at least once a day, and sulks like a child if I don't give it to him.

If I knew that I could find something better, maybe I'd move on. But I'm really scared of being alone, and I've seen on alot of the forum posts that Aspie/NT and even Aspie/Aspie relationships hardly ever last. Maybe I should just be happy with what I've got? Or even better, maybe things can change? And I also know that nothing is one-sided, I think that I bring out the worst in people.

I know that I absolutely am not perfect, but I'm at a point in my life where I really want to settle down with my own family, and I don't know whether to stay and hope that things change, or to move on.

If he is being violent, distance yourself from him IMMEDIATELY. Ditto for if he is being manipulative or taking advantage of you, especially sexually. It is not worth the risks to yourself of continuing in an abusive relationship–get out as soon as possible.

I have HUGE red flags going up all over the place after reading this. Don't settle because you're afraid of being alone. You want to be settled and have a family but with this kind of behaviour is this the kind of guy you want to have children with? Is this the influence you want exposed to your kids? Having a baby is hard. Single parenting is even harder (been there done that) and with the issues your fiance has, if you settled and had kids with him, and he's having 12+ drinks a day, you can basically bet that you'll be doing most of it on your own. That only seems to set you up for resentment.

My advice, after having been in a situation similar to yours and having a child with a man like that, is to get out now. You're young, there's no kids and please don't be afraid of being alone. It's better to be on your own, waiting for the right person to come along than it its to settle for abuse and resentment.

One word for this: Alcoholic! And if he is forcing you into sex, that could indicate sex addiction as well on his part.
If he is being violent and/or manipulative, this is physical and/or emotional ABUSE. Like Orwell said, get to a safe distance - quickly... This is a powder keg waiting to blow.



I understand that fear of being alone - all too well. It is a dragon that we all face after ending a relationship. But we have two choices when we encounter it:

A) We can run from it, let it lair in the corner of our minds, and keep us in fear of venturing out to a new horizon. I have done this for the last two years - it doesn't work out so well.

B) We can face it, arm ourselves with whatever tools and resources we have at our disposal, and slay the beast, walking past that which we once feared in order to seek out something better. Hard as it will be at times, this is what we must do if we are to truly find what we are looking for.
But with some good support, this is a battle that can be fought - and won. I think there plenty of folks here - myself included - who will take up their "shields and swords" and fight with you in any way they can. In my case, it may even help me with the dragon I'm fighting now.

Also, whether Aspie/Aspie, Aspie/NT, or even NT/NT....there is always a chance that it will not last. As the old saying goes "it takes two to tango", and if only one partner makes the effort to properly execute the steps, there's going to be slipping, falling, and someone's going to get hurt.



If he's being abusive to you, Gods only know what he would do to your children.

I have been through emotional abuse in a long-term relationship, and I can say this: it is not worth the pain - during or after. My vote: move on......oh, and when you face that dragon I mentioned, pick option B.

I can't speak for all of us, but I'm in your corner. Feel free to PM me also if you just want a shoulder to lean on.

He sounds like a terrible person. These two things, that he is violent, and forcing you into sex clearly show that he is very dangerous. I know that sometimes it is hard to see things from an objective perspective, specially if you have been without a relationship for most of your life, and one suddenly comes along.

While I understand this, sometimes you really are better off being alone. This is a person who is clearly a threat to you and the longer you stay with him, the more likely you will end up pregnant.

Furthermore, once you are an alcoholic, you are one for life. Even if he manages to stay sober for 20 years, one drink can make it all come back.

Also looking at this from a guys perspective, he does not truly love or care for you. When I was in a relationship (almost a year ago now since we broke up, with another Aspie who sometimes posts on WP as well), I truly loved and adored my girlfriend. I would have done anything for her to make her happy, feel better or protect her. Any true Aspie man who understands the privilege of having a romantic partner would do the same.

I could not have ever done these things that you describe. First of all, violence against women is strictly wrong! Unless she has a gun to you (or another type of self defense situation), it can not, should not ever be done. Period!! !!

While men do have a strong sex drive, that is no excuse to force himself on you. Intimacy is something that should be mutual. He should care about your feelings too, and want to make you happy. What you are describing sounds more like exploitation to his benefit rather than a true two way relationship. His actions don't reflect a man who either cares for or is in love with a woman. He doesn't sound like someone who deserves to have you or any other woman if he can't manage to treat her with respect, caring and tenderness.

I truly hope for your sake that you manage to find the strength and wisdom to end this relationship while you can, before it is too late.

I don't understand how many of you girls remain in relationships with guys like this one.........

Umm... hi...

I know that you're all right... I guess I just needed to hear it to make me a bit stronger.

I broke up with him today and it will be nice to have this post here if I forget why I'm leaving. Thankyou guys.

Whoa! This has more red flags that the Soviet Union. I don't see how this is a good relationship at all. He sounds like an abuser, quite frankly. I've seen too many stories about women who stay in bad relationships for years "because they love him", which is similar to why women prefer jerks over nice guys.

You did the right thing by leaving that guy. He doesn't just not deserve you, he doesn't deserve any relationship whatsoever. Get a restraining order if he starts threatening you. But for the love of God and all that is sacred, don't come back to him! You might feel like you "love him", but as soon as you start having second thoughts about leaving him, reread this thread. I think I said all that needed to be said, and I hope everything works out for you.

Everybody needs to get a second opinion sometimes. Hopefully hearing it from men - REAL men, who know how to treat a lady, like those of us who have posted here, will help in both the short and long-terms.

I will leave you for now with a piece of sound advice that I came across somewhere. Can't remember where I found it at the moment, but it stuck - and it works.

Find good things about being single. Doesn't even have to be anything especially world-changing. Some of the things I found: eating leftovers, drinking out of the carton, and being able to listen to any CD I danged well please in my car.

You deserve better, Sarah....you really do. And you seem like a well-spoken, intelligent woman. It may take some time, but I think you'll find it.

GET OUT!! !

Been there, done that. I know it sucks to be alone, and it is hard to find that right guy, but trust me....it will be harder with this person than it will EVER be alone, and it will never get better. He's abusive, your life and your childrens lives will suffer. Ditch him. You're worth more than that!

Good Lord, 12+ drinks a day is a severe alcoholic, and it sounds like he's not even a nice drunk. Nasty drunks are very bad for your health and safety -- please get far, far away from this guy. If he was willing to get into rehab, you might consider staying with him, but right now he's on a downwards spiral and will drag you down with him. Don't enable his behavior.

Good for you, Sarah. The drinking is bad enough, but the whole violence/dominance thing won't get any better.

While there are some things that you might want to learn to live with, this isn't one of them.

Good girl! Be strong and whatever you do, DO NOT get back together with him. This guy is very bad news!! I swear to god I'll give you my phone number or something and you can call me if you start to feel weak and I'll beat some sense into you! Nothing good can come of being with a person like that and do not beleive him if he swears he's changed (and if he's the stereotypical user, he will). If he's really changed, he can go find a new nice girl who won't have all the fears and bad memories. I guess I'm jumping ahead here but from what this guy sounds like, I assume that he is going to try to get you back.

You're definately doing the right thing in getting out.

It sounds like you have some self-esteem issues. You may not be perfect but no one is and no matter what you do not deserve a man like this. It is better to be alone than with a guy who behaves this way. Being alone can be sad but feeling lonely when there is someone there who is supposed to love you (knowing that the one you love does not truly love you) is the worst feeling in the world. If you don't trust me, trust the thousands of women who have been there.