Found a young Aspie woman (please, Aspie male advice only)

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In case you don't know, I am a straight guy from Australia who has Asperger Syndrome (I will use the popular term Aspie for the purposes of this document to describe those who have it).

I have recently met a young Aspie woman at the TAFE (a word for a technical college in Australia). We talked, and she displayed pride at having our condition (whereas prior to then I had a tendency in RL to be a tad wangsty and sometimes wanting to be NT in order to secure a relationship, much to my current disgust), and we had other things (obsessions etc.) in common. Basically, I had a conversation with this particular Aspie woman and it turned out she had some obsessions (such as writing sci-fi/fantasy stuff etc.) in common with my own. It was amazing for me, having never met an Aspie woman before, let alone someone who had the similar obsessions to mine!

However, I'm not sure how to tell when an Aspie woman is interested. I can't tell half the time when an NT woman is interested either unless she tells me, but this particular Aspie woman was, when I was paying attention to the teacher, I think she may have been looking at me, perhaps even giving me a look. I turned to look at her, and she turned her eyes away (maybe she didn't like eye-contact with others). I know she wouldn't be interested in me at this stage - it seems too early to tell - but rest assured, I would be happy if she were "just a friend".

To date, I've only dated NTs, and the two times I did so were very dysfunctional (in case you're wondering about that "Good news..." post, well, the girl mentioned in that was, I am sorry to say, way too desperate for me, I was way too desperate at the time, and besides, we didn't have much in common anyway - I hate sounding like a jerk, and I probably do (and definitely was), but facts are facts - I was desperate - and obliviously being a jerk).

Due to that, and my own feelings of guilt about having been a jerk about them, I've given up on dating NT women, possibly for good, but that policy could change, but is unlikely to do so. This is also because for the simple fact I can relate to Aspies a lot better (being one myself). However, I haven't had any experiences dealing with Aspie women, even if only as a friend or otherwise. Any advice from others who may have more experience in this delicate (for me) field?

Thank you for any advice given.

You're an aspie she's an aspie: be direct (but nice!)

Maybe wait until you know her a little better but once you're comfortable with the idea say that you would be interested in being more than a friend to her, and ask if she feels the same way. Explain that it's cool is she doesn't, that you'd still like to be her friend regardless, but I can't imagine an aspie having a problem with direct honesty as long as it is nice and friendly.

Anyway you should go for it as you have nothing to lose (unless she laughs in you're face crushing whats left of you're self esteem and you become a pale shadow of a person who's only solace in life comes from drinking and hurting small animals waiting for the day you meet that guy off the internet who gave you that terrible advice so you can rip out his entrails, but try not to think about that )

I think oli234 has the right idea. Thing is, if she has AS she's not going to be as good a communicator as the NT women you've known, so you'd have to work with that. Depending on her attitude she could (if you're fortunate) be very obvious at expressing interest, or if you're less fortunate she may not show it at all.

Restricting yourself to women with AS is the wrong way to do things, BTW, unless you're OK with the prospect of being alone for the rest of your life. Among people with AS, interested single men greatly outnumber interested single women. That's not to say that you couldn't possibly get lucky, but you'd have to be lucky.

Well, crap, guess that means i'm probably out of luck, unless i can find an NT woman who can put up with my extreme nerdiness and odd quirks. And unfortunately, unlike Crion, I am most decidedly NOT lucky..

Don't give up. If you think you'll do better with another Aspie, go for it. But like oli234 said, you do need to be direct, and she needs to do the same.

Still, be a friend first, then go for something deeper later. Maybe not 'dates' (or hooking up, or whatever they call it nowadays..., just find some things you can do together.

After a few weeks (or a couple), see how things are going. Don't pressure her for romance, etc., but see if she resists. If so, back off. If not, be gentle. Unless she tells you otherwise.

It's hard to give advice; there are so many different types of women, and nothing works for all of them...

I'd say it's more likely than having a successful relationship with someone with AS.

What is with the idea that an aspie/aspie relationship would go better than an aspie/NT relationship? The same factors that lead to disaster with aspie/NT relationships, are twice as likely with aspie/aspie relationships. I have noticed this even with my friends.

One advantage I can see to having a partner with AS is that she may be more able to relate to my social-related and empathy difficulties. And I think a lot of people here value this, but I imagine many overrate that quality over other traits such as empathy itself.

I think that having a partner that doesn't expect you to be emotionally supportive in the traditional NT sense of the word is a plus. Also, having similar quirks and disregard for social norms is also a good thing.

From my personal experience, the more AS characteristics that my partner has, the better the relationship.

Do her eyes sort of pulse or vibrate when she looks at you? If they do she is into you.

Don't focus on her AS. Focus on who she is as a person, then determine how much you like *her* and not the fact that she is AS. AS is such a small part of who we are, and we tend to forget that.

accept that you cannot tell if she likes. be friends with her for a few weeks. then say "do you find me attractive and do you want to date me? if not, it's ok, we can still be friends. no pressure." that's it. simple as that