Advice of Maxine Aston

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I know that some posters here have a very negative view of Maxine Aston. I have read a few posts attacking her.

I am aware that she is not published in any journals and does not follow the scientific method, blah blah blah.

Finally I am also aware that many AS individuals of the Aspie-Pride persuasion find either her theories, relationship advice, or at least style offensive.

All of that said I read her book "Aspergers in Love" at the advice of my psychologist and found it to be fairly balanced and pretty inciteful. It does not sugarcoat the relationship situation and seems bleak but honest.

Is there anyone that has actually followed Maxine's relationship advice for good or bad? Did it help?

I prefer this Maxine:

It's "inciteful" alright.

Paging Dr. Freud ...

You beat me!

<edit>
...in the sense that you got there first... O dear, Freud is having a field day...first inciting, then violence....

hi BoringAl,

many months ago i jumped on a thread persecuting maxine Aston and i made some harsh statements.
I went back and re-read some of her books and changed my view of her and her ideas.
i posted a bit about this in another thread yesterday.
My experience in relationship with someone who is now an ex but we live under the same roof is what she describes.

I've actually wondered if the people who come down hardest on her are in fact single people or people with limited knowledge of how autism or AS affects a marriage and a relationhsip.

MY dad walked out on my mum when she was forty and he was forty five. My mum is undx'ed AS i believe. some other siblings would try to kill me for saying that, but it is my view. and she admits to many traits without saying she has AS. He's weird too, but there is no doubt her struggle to be the typical wife and mother impacted on the relationship. SHe had masive meltdowns before any people came to our house.

Similarly with my current situation - ex and i under the same roof - many of the issues have been related to my AS.

I do not agree with everything Aston says.
But i do know my ex became increasingly depressed and saddened by my wish to be alone and by many of the traits i exhibit. He said last night again he just wanted someone to have a relationship wiht. i don;t want that. I just want someone "there" while i go about living in my own world with my own interests and with as little to do with others as possible.

Saying autism does not affect relationships and jumping up and down and screeching when someone raises that point is in fact as absurd as saying smoking doesn't affect one's health.
autism is a different way of thinking and being. A relationship involves two people. When one is autistic and the other not - we have a simple clash of cultures with all the ensuant language difficulties and struggles.

fair point, there can be a clash of cultures in an AS/NT relationship, however, like ANY relationship, there needs to be compromise between the two parties, i think the main thing i dislike about Maxine is that she seems to BLAME the AS person for everything in these relationships, if the AS person wants to do their own thing, they're being selfish....if the NT wants to do their own thing, they're not selfish, and she blames the AS person for being cold and unemotional...

I'm in a very happy AS/NT relationship and feel offended by the horror stories and bleak examples she brings up all the time, I am NOT cold, unemotional, uncaring, a lousy lover, or anything she will try to define me as...i'm a loving, devoted boyfriend/girlfriend (i'm a bit of a gender terrorist so we haven't worked that out yet XD)...

i'm pretty sure if some hack psychologist went around saying "don't date black people, they're uncaring and lousy" there would be uproar, and this is exactly the same...making money from segregation...

she needs to shut up, frankly...x

I just don't get that impression at all from reading her, xander. i really don't.

And you make a fair point too - there are indeed a host of factors that come into play in any relationship - whatever its makeup.
i agree with that.

As an Aspie, if I wanted to totally dominate my partner, be a victim and make everything everyone else's fault, then Maxine Aston's writing is brilliant.

I guess my partner could say exactly the same thing.

She could say she has Cassandra syndrome?

Is that what she calls it?

What a pathetic excuse for life that would be!! !

I am sure she means well and all that but I would recommend she does some work on herself and looks at the questions again before writing any more books full of answers and advice...

I am in a very happy AS/NT relationship too.

I get the impression when she researched the book she only found unhappy people to write about because she was a relationships counsellor.

Sadly she is going to write a very one sided book by default.

Fancy co-authoring a positive one

Thank you for the opinions. I guess that after reading the one book of hers I have read so far I feel inclined towards a view Millie has best expressed.

I am very glad to hear that there are people here in happy NT/AS relationships. I was in one but after nine years it seems to be deteriorating. As I am one of the people that is having trouble I am looking for answers that may help.

Maxine expresses concern that traditional marriage councilling can do more damage than good in AS/NT relationships. This makes sense to me. As we definitely need help I am looking for where to turn.

I can accept that AS is a major factor in our problems and so am willing to meet half way. I just need help knowing where that is.

now that's an idea! you're already published aren't you ^.^

One of the greatest challenges I have found in long term relationships is that while the NT partner is changing over time, the other partner on the spectrum does not or changes at a much different pace. When the continued expectation for the two to develop together still exists, attention is not paid to the radically different rates of change for each. The only solution that I've found is a lot of deep conversation and commitment to stay with the other through the challenges... the best ones that I've had are those where we kept falling in love over and over again, and kept learning about the other person w/o expectations or taking them for granted. Feel very fortunate that my wife-to-be is a patient and compassionate woman who I have known for many years, one I respect and take her words very seriously, and committed to working through our problems as they arise.


M.

^
I had not considered the difference in speed at which we can change and adapt.

We have been focusing on basic communication issues. This seems to be our primary area of trouble. Maxine's book made a lot of sense to me in this area, my wife is currently reading the book so I don't know what she thinks.

We used to have a good relationship as you describe but when kids entered the mix it became much harder. Our older child can't go into daycare so we work opposing shifts and rarely see each other. It seems we don't have the time to communicate properly... When we do talk it is mostly about overdue bills or house work. *sigh*

Perhaps we are doomed? Oh well, I plan to stick with it for the long haul and make it work. I believe that she feels the same way.

OK I am done complaining. Thank you everyone. I think I will take Maxine's advice on communication methods and take the rest if it makes sense.

My NT partner hated Maxine Aston's book and was so angry after she read it that she could not speak to me for three days.

The reason she did not like it was because the way it was presented was "okay you have a man with AS who cannot change anything about what he does".

So "You are going to have to change everything to deal with it".

This may just be her perception of it.

She knows now this is not true.

I personally think the impact on our relationship was more than three days.

She was pissed off for around a year after finding out I am AS.

We are getting on well now and communicate really well with each other as we did before my dx.

Maxine Aston is opinionated and the book is written irresponsibly, basically putting ALL people with AS into one category and ALL NT people into another - when she clearly only has limited experience of the range of the spectrum and people's effectiveness at dealing with it.

There are undoubtedly millions of people with AS who will go undiagnosed because they will never have any significant problems in life.

As such there are undoubtedly millions of AS/NT relationships which work perfectly and will never be put under the microscope.

If you are experiencing relationship problems, by all means take into account AS will have an impact, but do not let opinions such as Maxine Aston's limit your ability to come to a resolution.

Hope that helps.