BF's Addiction/Trust Issue

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A month ago, my BF admitted to abusing prescription medication. He passed out at work and almost lost his job. I threatened to break up with him. He threatened suicide. I called his therapist to tell her what happened, even after I swore to him I would never tell her.

So, I broke his trust. He found out today. He tricked it out of me. He's pissed off and won't speak to me. I fear our relationship is over. I called his therapist again and an addiction specialist told me that I need al-anon.

The thing is, he broke my trust over and over before that. He couldn't admit his problem until recently.

He had told me after what happened that he bottomed out and that he wouldn't abuse meds anymore. And, we've had a happy month, until now. I'm really panicked and sad.

sorry to hear about that..

in my opinion the addiction should outweigh the well-intended breach of trust

and he should realize it, and he should welcome your support and interest, instead of shutting you out as some sort of punishment.

hopefully he does realize it.
hope you sort it out

It's hard to figure out what to say to this issue, whitetiger. I can tell you though that trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild and it is impossible to have a good relationship while the trust is damaged. Plus the fact that addicts are almost always untrustworthy and unstable.

First, you cannot use the experiences of others to evaluate your own position... L2S, to suggest that one knows - based on what substance another has taken - the correct emotional and life decision to make is absolutely baffling to me, I must admit. It's presumptive and judgmental, neither being qualities I hold in high respect.

whitetiger, in response to your original post - to my mind, this is a complicated issue. Your BF has a problem, and when he threatened suicide you were justified in calling his therapist even though you swore not to, perhaps to keep him calm and try to prevent him from acting upon his threat. At the same time, continuing to live that deception for such a time afterward, and to then find out from someone other than yourself, could definitely make the sense of mistrust more intense from my perspective. What you did wasn't wrong; his prior behavior doesn't justify you behaving in the same fashion - in my opinion. Given the situation, it would not surprise me if he needs time to process and accept, to understand why you did what you did... and that you might want to consider that there are some reasons he does have to be upset, despite the fact that you did the right thing in that situation.


M.

sorry for sounding harsh and judgemental and so on, but i'm just saying that the point of no return is after they first try heroin. you never said your bf ever did that, and i just wanted to throw it out there just in case. addiction and abuse are the only no-no's for me in a relationship.

Well, luckily he's afraid of heroin, cocaine and meth. He's never done them and doesn't plan to. It's the prescriptions he has a problem with.

One thing about him is that once trust is betrayed, he holds grudges and does not forgive. He has a list of people on this list. I'm afraid I've been added to this list and will be written off soon.

I have a feeling our relationship is over and all in all, it's been a good one, except for when I was terrified and worried sick last month. I was really scared for his life and safety when I told her what I did.

Well, I was right. He just emailed me and said it was over. He said I did a "dirty thing" and not to write or call him and he would be in touch with me "when or if" he's ready.

I'm still in shock.

I'm sorry you're going through this whitetiger. If you were seriously in fear for his life, then you did do the right thing. I also understand where he's coming from with the violation of trust thing, though. I personally try not to hold grudges but is also very hard for me to let a breech of trust go. I hate to say it because I don't advocate giving up easily - but if the trust is gone, then the relationship is gone imo.

okay i agree to disagree.
i've never done either - so what do i know?

boyfriends and girlfriends break up and move out all the time. and move back in. and do it all over. it is normal. it might feel like a roller coaster ride - especially if you do not know if you will get back together. but you may have saved him fromdoing more drugs. in fact, drugs is the only time i would ever break someone's trust. why? because if you do not intervene, they are going to slip into addiction and you will never see them again. you did the right thing. very brave of you. i'm totally proud. i wish i had the balls to do that kind of stuff.

Thanks for your replies. I'm still in shock. Badly. It's like I'm numb and don't feel anything. This was a 2 yr relationship with the only man who ever understood and could accept me.

Maybe you're right. I can think of a few reasons why my life would be better off without him.

My grocery budget is through the roof because of feeding him constantly. He does not know how to cook for himself. I'll get to spend twice as much time alone with my special interests. I won't have to worry about his health all the time. I won't have to worry that the new friends I'm making haven't always gotten along with him.

I can also think of other reasons why I'd miss him and struggle without him, like:

He escorts me to my dr's appts because I can't walk there myself without getting lost. He helps me ride the bus because I get so confused about where I'm supposed to get off. He loans me money when my finances are low. He makes me laugh a lot. He understands and can relate to my autism.

I'm sorry for your pain, Whitetiger, but for once I think Fnord's got the right of it.