Funny isn't it?

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How much those of us that are single are in relationships yet most of those who are in one are miserable. Almost as if a relationship isn't worth pursuing isn't it? I have wasted years of my life wanting this yet I have never seen anyone that is one truly happy so why should I want such a thing? People break up all the time for various reasons, but the fact is that relationships rarely last these days. Today's youth go through relationships like they go through pills in a bowl and more people are dying single. My mother was in what seemed to be a happy marriage until her husband just up and left her for another woman one day without even saying a word. This kind of thing happens all the time. So the question is, why do we seek such a thing when the fairy tale relationships we read to our kids about don't even exist? Why do we even worry about being alone when being in a relationship obviously makes people miserable?

Being in a relationship does not make one miserable. In life, there is misery - always. Relationships hold the opportunity for happiness, pleasure, comfort, love... at the risk of hurt and pain, betrayal and loss. I've seen a lot of happy relationships, and I've seen many of them turn from happy to wounded and damaged; many of these grew anew from the ashes, just as many moved on in their lives. I do agree that there is decidedly less sense of lasting commitment in the present vs. 60 years ago, but that is the result of it becoming acceptable more than a change in actual desires. Of course the fairy tale doesn't exist - it is a fiction wrapped around a brilliant kernal of truth, that there are moments finer than our surroundings and ourselves. Love is worth the risk, but it does mean taking chances and experiencing loss and suffering along the way. Nothing in life comes without cost.


M.

Thank you , for dealing one more blow to my final reason for living.

That said, i think its people simply chasing a dream, real love may be a incredibly rare thing, but if you find it, any amount of pain and suffering you went through beforehand would have been worth it.

*shrugs* At least thats what i'm hoping is true.

This is why I've tended to stay clear of relationships (at least normal ones, anyway). While many find love and marriage desirable, it takes a lot of freedom away from you because you will have to conform to a wide variety of ridiculous standards of what a person should be. I myself feel the urge to get together with someone because I feel a strong need to have children (it feels like you must have at least some part of you out there in the world when you die), but whenever I think that, I just remind myself casually of how I as a person would be lost in the process.

The reason as to why those in a relationship have all sorts of misery is because of this. Constantly having pressure on you to do this and that and meet X and Y in addition to performing Z arbitrary act every day is going to put a LOT of stress on you. Not to mention that the dating part of it all is extremely frustrating in and of itself (there's much of that on this board already so I won't elaborate), so even if you are alone and without children you will be miserable.

Well, that's my outlook on it anyway, let's see what kind of fights are started in this thread now, LOL.

We do it because our brains make us want to, for better or worse. We wouldn't reproduce as well without it, or so it would seem.

Relationships are rarely stable, rewarding or anything they're fantasized to be. Some people manage those kinds of relationships, but most don't. Humans are fickle, scared creatures wherein both sexes fear total attachment and commitment, it would seem, both of which are needed for workable long term situations. Many people also appear to have mental problems these days that cause social problems, which, I'm sure, increases the likelihood of traumatic failures. I'm in the midst of a relationship that can be explained by the latter, and somewhat the former. It's total misery most of the time.

Relationships take a lot of work, more than your typical friendship because of the need for stability desired to raise a child. We pour a lot into these bonds to ensure the 'best,' whether we realize that's our drive or not. So, as with other animals, it's energy consuming and life draining. Why else would the urge be so strong, and leave such a traumatic impact upon failure?

Uh, I'm happy. All of my relationships have been happy until the ending. One of them didn't even end by our choice, so there was no 'break-up.'

There is pain in all relationships.

Pain is inevitable.

Misery is optional.

Get over it.

It really is something that you have to decide whether it's worth the risk or not. If you remain alone forever, you spare yourself a lot of sharp pain but resign yourself to the incessant dull pain of loneliness and boredom and forego the capability to experience something truly joyous and meaningful. Focusing your energies on relationships is a gamble; you're gunning for that unfathomable high, chasing a dream with the knowledge that there's a very real possibility you will never find it and may even end up worse off your attempts.

And of course, there's always the case of 'the grass is always greener on the other side'... We want to know the feeling, experience what we do not yet have. Of course, one could argue that it's easier to deal with a life of solitude without ever having known love because you wouldn't know what you were missing, but I think that pure curiosity and accumulated longing more than make up for that sentiment. The longer you go without eating, the better *any* food tastes when you get it, and if you're someone who's lived his entire life off of water and vitamin pills the novel sensation of tasting *anything* for the first time is bound to be an unforgettable and ecstatic experience.

So really, it's a choice you have to make just like any other. If you resign yourself to being alone forever under the notion that it is your destiny, then it will be far easier to make your peace with that and move on to have a relatively happy life without it. It isn't unheard of. However, know that regardless of whether that was true or not, in doing this you're transforming it into a self fulfilling prophecy. As long as you operate under the mindset that you will be alone forever, you will be alone forever. No relationship is going to force itself upon you.

If you can truly put the notion of not being single out of your mind and stop looking up to it as a better state, then your current one will no longer seem bad by comparison. After all, pain is relative, and the best possible state you can be in can only be regarded as good when there's nothing to look up to. If you can do that, then what you're talking about is viable. But once again, you have to decide whether the tradeoff is worth it or not.

The plain fact is that whatever you've been doing thus far to get into relationships obviously isn't working. Once you accept this, you can either choose to remain as you are and accept it will continue to not work, or choose to alter yourself so as to make it work. Try to be happy with yourself as you are, but I personally wouldn't give up or limit my options without having a good basis for comparison. Once you've actually been in a relationship, then you're more equipped to make an informed decision as to which state you'd prefer. Until then, though, I think it may be jumping the gun a little to write them off completely as your decision is likely influenced heavily by the fact that the return on your efforts thus far simply isn't worth it. You're putting in far more to obtain a relationship than most have to, and that does skew the figures a bit when you're talking about worth. However, you do not yet know what the return on a relationship you could have *is*. For all you know your efforts are just stockpiling and will result in the relationship you *do* eventually get to make up for your years of toil and misery by far, just as aka says.

The bottom line is this: Cut your losses, or keep playing in hope for the big payoff. Both options have their pros and their cons. In the end, it's still a gamble of risking continued pain and indignation for the prospect of pleasure and a satisfied sense of fairness.

I see what everyone is saying. I admit, I wasn't in quite sound mind when I made this thread. But after many many times coming so close and failing, I'm tired of trying. I'm going to put my energy towards other things now and so much toward finding love. But should it find me, I hope I can see it.

I've pretty much come to the same conclusion... looking for love is a waste of time and energy, as well as conforming yourself into something that you're not. I'd rather be alone than giving up everything that makes me who I am just to pursue a fairy tale. Of course, I may always be lonely, but that's better than a series of bad relationships.

QFT!! !!

When you're lonely.. it feels like nothing could possibly be worse than being alone and you'd give anything to have someone, anyone, even if they weren't the best person in the world.

But, in my experience, there is a greater loneliness than physical loneliness. True loneliness is when you're in the room with the person that you love and is supposed to love you.. and knowing that you're alone anyway.

"But, in my experience, there is a greater loneliness than physical loneliness. True loneliness is when you're in the room with the person that you love and is supposed to love you.. and knowing that you're alone anyway."

Ugh, you just described my marriage of 11 years.

mitharatowen... you hit that right on the head. That loneliness, and that experienced in the absence of your child, are two of the most acute forms of pain that I'm experienced. Thank you for describing so well what would be rather painful for me to even attempt.


M.

I guess I've sort of gotten use to being alone including friends. Not that I enjoy but I've sort of accepted it. I use to fight and fight to please everyone.

In my experience I think I'm too thin skinned to deal with rejections and complicated issues with humans.

The last two experiences I think left me with a scar. Ironically, in logic, I know the healthy way would be just to move on.

Same here. Of course, my past relationships were extremely short, so it wasn't too personal and we had mutual feelings when breaking up, but by now, I truly believe that I've found one person who makes me the happiest. I don't ever, ever want to break up with him.

It wasn't love at first sight, and I don't believe in soul mates. I would advise that, if you want to spend your time with someone else that you can really trust and someone who actually cares for you, then you should go for it and look for someone. It's really cool when you realize that it's happened.