Another website has it all wrong...

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www.help4aspergers.com (eww i hate the use of numbers as words) lists the following facts about how aspies behave in relationships:

Can often be distant physically and/or emotionally. (NOT TRUE)
Often are attracted to another purely because they are attracted to him (BULLPOO)
He has a hard time saying I love you, showing physical affection; as a result it is difficult to find out if they do love you (I SAY I LOVE YOU ALL THE TIME)
He can be very critical and takes it personally if she won’t wear something he likes, or wears something he dislikes (WTF?)
Can stop putting any effort into relationship after a time, and doesn’t understand why she then stops giving too (AGAIN, TOTAL CRAP)
Often times they will make no motions to keep a relationship (be it friendship, or something more) going (RELATIONSHIPS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME)
They won't call, and you might not see them for days. That doesn't mean they don't care. (I WILL ALWAYS TXT)
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions (TOTALLY UNTRUE, ME AND MY GF DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP OFTEN)
If she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering (NOPE)
His attention is narrowly focused on his own interests (TRY AGAIN)
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their partner is being ungrateful or “bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her (NEVER HAPPENED)
He can become quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as the man attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world. (XENOPHOBIC CRAP)

and i'm your common garden aspie, i fit the full syndrome exactly, i don't just have "AS traits"...i think that these guys have been reading maxine aston too much...the divorce rate amongst NT's is phenominal, they should start studying their own behaviour more XD

One thing about these facts is that they're taken from somewhere else, and the writer of the website more or less admits that.

A few of them are true, but most are over-generalizations and stereotypes. It's no different than saying that all Jewish people are accountants, all black people play basketball, and all Asian people are good at math. (And I'm using somewhat positive stereotypes as an example.)

Can often be distant physically and/or emotionally.
Not completely true. I'm a little distant during the first few weeks of a relationship (just to protect myself from being disappointed if she loses interest), but once I'm completely sure that she will stay with me, I'm very emotionally open and affectionate.

Often are attracted to another purely because they are attracted to him.
This one's true for me. With my bad looks and poor social skills, I can't afford to be picky with who I date. So if a girl shows romantic interest in me, that's oftentimes enough reason for me to start feeling attracted to her.

He has a hard time saying I love you, showing physical affection; as a result it is difficult to find out if they do love you
I might not have much experience in the dating world, but I know well enough to say and do these things on a regular basis. When I know I need to say "I love you", I'll get over myself and say it. And physical affection is something I actually enjoy.

He can be very critical and takes it personally if she won’t wear something he likes, or wears something he dislikes
WTF? I'm one of the least judgmental people I know. I couldn't care less what my romantic partner wears, as long as it looks at least somewhat presentable.

Can stop putting any effort into relationship after a time, and doesn’t understand why she then stops giving too.
Like with saying "I love you", I'm well aware that I need to keep putting into the relationship if I want it to continue. Again, complete BS.

Often times they will make no motions to keep a relationship (be it friendship, or something more) going
This was already said in the previous post. Not true at all.

They won't call, and you might not see them for days. That doesn't mean they don't care.
I have a tendency to do that, but always remind myself to contact my girlfriend on a regular basis. Whether or not I'm like that, it never shows up in my actions.

He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions.
Not true! I'm always willing to listen to my girlfriend's feelings and opinions, before I do anything that will affect me and her.

If she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering.
This one's sort of true. I never had a girl tell me she loved me, but if I did, I'd felt pure terror. Some people may see romantic love as some sort of bliss, but I see it as being constantly nagged, criticized over minor things, and losing control of my life. (I'm male.)

His attention is narrowly focused on his own interests.
Pure BS! If I know my girlfriend doesn't share my interests, I just won't talk about them. I'll talk about them here or on a website dedicated to that interest. (In my case, trains.)

Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their partner is being ungrateful or “bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her.
I'm going to agree with this one. If my girlfriend isn't willing to speak up before the "problem" gets too serious, and lashes out at me when it's too late, I'll break up with her on the spot.

He can become quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as the man attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.
I might become defensive, but never verbally abusive. I will try my best to give her that clarification or sympathy, but if she still gets irate, I'll simply break up with her with no verbal abuse whatsoever. (And probably alert the police in case she decides to trash my car.)

I hate to say it but I can relate to some of those awful generalizations.....

Can often be distant physically and/or emotionally.

There are some like physically and emotionally distant.

So yes I do identify with this. I've had people tell me how cold I came off and have been asked why I wasn't physically affectionate. My ex, really mentioned these traits in me as well as my family.


He has a hard time saying I love you, showing physical affection; as a result it is difficult to find out if they do love you

Well I'm not a he but I still have trouble with this. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves and just assume most people know I love them by my actions. Even though, now I know it's more important. I really had trouble understanding why there was a need to say this phrase. As for physical the same as the above. I have a history of not showing "enough" of it....I guess.


Can stop putting any effort into relationship after a time, and doesn’t understand why she then stops giving too

I had trouble with this. Actually I thought maybe I did try to put some effort in the relationship. But this was before I was DXed with ASD, so I had trouble seeing most of these traits in me. I just assumed my ex was a mind reader...not easy to explain. I had trouble in communicating with him so it got to a point where I did give up...but only to find out other crap about him. There are other people as well that I get impatient with when it comes to friendship. I have lost friends due to not being there for them or communicating with them enough. I'm also terrible at people who get angry with me. I'm not good at asking them to forgive me or apologizing. Still something I'm working on.


They won't call, and you might not see them for days. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Yep, except I do call but not often and I do have trouble with seeing anyone for days. When someone is texting, emailing, calling, and whatever it takes to get me to communicate. I can only go at my own speed. In fact, I wanted to post about this problem because the feeling I get when I don't want to answere back or call is fatigue or feeling socially drained.


He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions

I'm more aware of this now than I use to be.

It usually has come down to my own interests or whatever it is I want to talk about yet have trouble figuring on how the other person is doing or what they think. But I'm learning.


His attention is narrowly focused on his own interests

Yep sad but true for me.

If there was a cure for some of the crap that goes along with ASD it would be these obsessive interests I have. I still wish I could just put them aside and have room for other activities and things.


If she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering

Reverse the genders and yes, I have this problem and like above I've had people tell me this. I do hate my own space invaded.


He can become quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as the man attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

Now this is way too bias but there are some elements I can relate to when it comes to empathy and trying to relate. Again, I'm more aware of this now than I was even a year ago. I don't think I've ever really reverted to verbal abuse but I have expressed anger and frustration in a very negative way. I do try and be open minded about the view of the other person but sometimes I get lost in my own predicaments.


There are some of the generalizations I don't really relate to since it comes off a bit black and white. Also there are varying degrees of autism so not everyone is going to fit these labels. I also don't like how who ever did this assumes that aspies aren't loving people. I think we do show just not to the extent of being mushy or the type of love you see on TV.

Wow, that page sure makes us sound like as*holes. I'm an as*hole.

Interesting observation... males have tended to bristle or reject the characterizations, while females have seen elements of what was described in themselves. When I read the list, I found perhaps three characteristics that I identified strongly with; the rest were not familiar. Is it because we as males are in denial? Or perhaps primed to be defensive? Could just be coincidence, but I found it interesting.


M.

BTW: MissConstrue, you show a remarkable sense of self-awareness and the ability to be critical of your own actions and decisions. That is a rare trait in my experience, and wanted to commend you on it. As I reread it I find, when I remove the most positive relationships from my personal result set, that more of the listed qualities appear in those relationships. Perhaps that reflects times when I have found partners who work well with my challenges and inspire me vs. periods where I have been in unsatisfying relationships.


M.