So his mum's not happy I'm helping him become functional.

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My boyfriend and I both have Aspergers. I was raised pretty harshly....despite being the next best thing to an autistic idiot savant as a kid, my parents and teachers based their expectations of me on my intelligence and their silly social norms, and I was kind of expected to sink or swim. And so I swam, to the best of my ability. I wasn't diagnosed till adulthood, but at that point, I was already more functional than anyone ever would have guessed. Like most of the rest of you, I'm sure, I had to learn all the basic social and personal skills that everyone else already has programmed into their heads from birth, and they weren't easy to learn. And yes, I still have problems, and I have to watch myself constantly...and yes, I still mess up. But I function, and I function pretty damn well.

My boyfriend, however, was not raised that way. No one had any idea what was different about him as a kid, either, and they apparently didn't care. He was babied something awful, and as a result reached adulthood (age 29) with little ambition, horrific social skills (I'm talking offensive a lot of the time, not the just social phobia or over-the-top shyness so many of us are familiar with), no money management skills, and a severe drinking problem. He's basically a good, kind person, and ridiculously intelligent, but the bottom line is, he was coddled in a dreadful way by his family, and still is. So in order to make things work between us, I had to start training him.

It's obvious a lot of his problems aren't as bad as mine were. In the span of about a year he's improved dramatically....actually stopped drinking completely (I wish I could do that!), got a better job, is no longer spending money he doesn't have on things he doesn't need, and even took on a second job to start managing his debt. Socially, he's also improved in a big way, dumped a lot of useless 'friends', and has started working harder on relationships with the good people in his life....including his parents! You'd think his mother would be thrilled...but not so much so.

She knows he's in debt, and by how much, knows how much trouble he's gotten in with people, knows he's an alcoholic and has been actively so since his teens, and even admits SHE'S found him hard to deal with and even offensive over the years. But she also thinks it's a shame that he's working so much to get rid of debt and start saving money, and that he's not going out and 'socializing' every night (ie, getting ratfaced and rowdy every night) anymore.

I don't particularly care if the woman likes me or not....hell, I already knew she had a problem with the fact that I'm so much older than he is....but while I can understand THAT from her perspective, I am completely baffled as to why on earth she's not happy with the idea of her son improving himself, with or without my help. He's a grown man who has a lot going for him, including impressive intelligence that he was previously doing nothing with besides bragging about it to everyone when drunk. Would she rather he 'grow up' to become a destitute bowery bum with a bad liver, a host of STDs, and no friends? And while I can sort of understand parents' desire to keep their kids dependent on them for as long as possible, is it really healthy to have a son who's a 30-year-old child? She and her husband aren't going to be around forever to clean up after him, and no woman is going to take on the full-time responsibility of caring for a drunken spendthrift with no control over his mouth or actions when they're finally gone. It's more frustration with her than anything, and particularly frustration over the way she has of actually making him feel GUILTY about growing up and becoming independent.

Anyone else have similar problems with their families or their SO's families?

if he is an alcoholic, he needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and quit drinking.

there are other forms of rehab than the 12-step... don't send him to that...

Also, I think the OP said her bf had been able to quit drinking...

To the OP: My mother is trying to keep me in the house as long as possible... it's a tax credit, plus I take care of my younger LFA brother for a lot cheaper than anyone she could get from outside the family... However, she encourages me to be independent, she taught me how to budget when I was about 8 years old, and now most of her support is food, shelter, insurance (car and health), and college tuition (which, while expensive, is relatively cheap compared to other college because I stayed in-state and went to a state school rather than something in upstate new york like most people in my high school class did...)

to the OP: you are a great girl, why are you with this guy anyway? you can't fix him. it's not his mom making him alcoholic, jobless, in debt, and etc. it's HIM.

i think she knows that, and that its not the issue..

to OP, i think this thread would be a venting-thread at best, cus theres not a whole lot you can do about a posessive mother. keep up what your doing, cus when people get their little delusions, youll never talk them out of them.
you remind me of me, im near 30, im not diagnosed, and people looked at my intelligence and set their expectations from there, so all my life people had HUGE expectations, despite my constant failures.
they STILL have huge expectations -
especially my mother, who seems confident that i am completely normal still, and just a bit picky about what jobs to get (i have zero jobs. ever.)

anyway, good luck with it, and try to ignore the insane obsessions of others ;]

He did have a job, just one in an industry that was fostering his drinking problem....but the rest is true. His mother didn't MAKE him this way, but it seems she actually encouraged him to be like that, or at least to not change. Personally, I realise how bad that is, since I had a lot of the same personal issues that he does, and I have ALL of the same tendencies....very socially stunted (aren't we all?! ), pretty serious addiction issues that include alcohol, various drugs, spending, and sex, and honestly, I too freakin' HATE having to be a responsible adult. However, I kinda HAD to do something about my problems, because my mother has zero tolerance for excuses, and I was forced to leave home really young. I'm sure that some people would, even in my situation, not improve....when given that 'sink or swim' ultimatum, a lot of folks, both aspies and NTs choose to sink....but it's pretty obvious that when he realises he HAS to do something to fix himself, he's as capable as I was. Even my own mother, when I was initially discussing my problems with him and was explaining to her that if something didn't change, FAST, I was out of there, said that he was obviously raised by people who never wanted him to grow up and couldn't take initiative as parents when they had to.




It really IS nothing but venting, and I'm certainly not the only person in the world disliked by their SO's parents! But it's still just baffling to me why someone would stand by and watch their adult child get that way, then actually become ANNOYED when someone finally forced them to grow up.

My mum is a lot like you....she finally had to accept that Asperger's exists when two more of her kids and a slew of others in HER family were diagnosed, but she refuses to believe that it, or anything else, is an excuse or an explanation for talented and intelligent people to fail in life. And to a point, she's right....though I could have done with her NOT tearing my head off when I tried to discuss AS with her in the past, since I wasn't using it as an excuse at all....more as an explanation.

yeah, i am still awaiting my diagnosis, and late in life at that. she has no idea it exists, or that im waiting for it, and im not really gonna tell her about it either, because it will _become_ my excuse, even tho i have been useless and a failure my whole life - without an excuse

i think your bf's parents are simply being posessive. they dont see how you should come in and do a better job than they, in raising their boy and helping him succeed. primitive really, but theres nothing you can do but to ignore it the best you can, and keep up what your doing.

Based on his mother's comments about not socializing, sounds to me like they brainwashed him with the forced socialization nonsense alot of us get attacked with. That probably had alot to do with his problems I think. Forced socizlization does not work, pure and simple.

I may have spent many Saturday nights watching TV(rented videos, MST3K, etc.), chatting on the computer or the ham radio, and eating take out pizza, but at least I was saving my money and not having a drinking problem. I never particularly cared for going out to clubs, bars, etc. On the other hand, I didn't have a date until I was 29.

if shes worried hes not socializing why dont you guys go out together and socialize. make some friends at an autism support group and have a good time.... without alcohol that way you both are happy


i see you live in NYC well your in luck there are plenty of autism organizations in the New York Area have you heard of AHA http://www.ahany.org/ Aspergers Syndrome and High Functioning Autism Association they have support groups they have events to go to Their annual picnic is June 13 out in suffolk county also try the local JCC's in manhattan some have good programs.

Last edited by Ravenclawgurl on 04 May 2009, 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mommy does not want to cut the apron strings (or umbilical cord?) and see another woman succeed where she has failed.

that said you will be taking on a severe burden. alcoholics are notorious for recidivism, domestic abuse, and suicidal tendencies. your life will stand on the balance between caregiving and enabling.

caregiving is simply making sure that he has food, clothing, housing, and medical care.

enabling means also buying his liquor, bailing him out of jail, paying for his lawyers, and making excuses for his self-destructive behavior.

good luck with all that.

You're a really strong willed person, I think you will survive his mother as well, considering all you've been through already. She can't be that bad.

I'm impressed with you actually having forced yourself to be self providing in a neurotypical society. I can relate both to your story, as well as that of your BF, and my life is kind of like a mix in between. I take care of my own cleaning, cooking and washing, I have strong self discipline and I don't drink or run around having sex all the time but I'm also unable to enter neurotypical society as self providing. I'm simply not willing to sacrifice my government money for a job which would be a painful social trial, just to earn about the same as I get now, maybe slightly more but with no freedom what so ever.

If you truly love your boyfriend, ignore what his mother has to say on this subject. Keep training him I'd say, don't listen to her.

My grandmother tried to get me put into an assisted living environment. She flat out told me that I would never hold down a job and would probably never be able to support myself. She tried to get me to break up with my fiancee (who is also an aspie) because she thought that it meant that I could never support myself. When I told her that my fiancee's family agreed to take me in when my mom ran out of money to pay for everything to support me, my grandmother became hurt and said, "But haven't we been helping you?"

It sounds like your boyfriend needs to do what I had to do. Break off all contact whatsoever with the offending party. Just my tuppence.

Damn...deja vu. Sorta at least...not easy falling in love with a manchild, especially one that could be your child. : P

Sounds to me you should just shine them on, relationships are not about extended family...if they are, then it's time to move on anyway. Nothing irks me more than the fact that the man I love had a family that failed or chose to not see that there was something amiss for him, they are still in denial I'd wager. Meanwhile, I deal with all the problems no early intervention or coping skills brought on...and they have him visit once a year.