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Another splurge from Mrs Nt here trying to Understand my friend aspie friend. We have known each other for 2 yrs. Gone through initial phases of constant text, messages lots of gifts etc etc. Never spoken words of adoration but certainly actions to suggest we were v close. Always text morning and night. . . .. and often during the day too. When I went away he text me through the night to ensure I was ok. Then gradually since last Christmas interactions lessened. We did use to argue quite often via text. Usually from me pushing my friend to try and explain or confirm our friendship. Or trying to arrange meet ups etc. . . Always a frustrating task. It always seemed he was ready to do anything for people he hardly knew, , , overly keen to make a good impression, and yet a friend whose was always there for him became less and less important (my perspective . . He would deny this) . . .. . . I had a few occasions when I stated I was "done" with the friendship . . .. he always ignored these moments. . . . .and would just renew communication when I came around and restarted talking.

Then however back in April we had a huge bust up . . . For the first time it was my aspie friend who walked away from the friendship. . . .. .
It took a long time but I persuaded him to try again. He seemed really pleased when we made up, and I felt more emotion and warmth from him during that time than at any other moment in our friendship. However since that time he almost never communicates,via text other than to confirm arrangements. No good night texts, no talking about what is happening in our lives . .. . If I text him feeling sad he will reply immediately checking I am ok, but as for general conversation that is a no no.
He forgot my birthday . . .. . When he did remember eventually arranged a lovely trip and did give me a present, but only because I pointed out that hewas giving presents to a mutual friend that he hadn't done so for me. . . ..

He seems keener than ever to spend time with me, it's still difficult to pin him down to dates as he has so many different projects and plans in his,life. I'm not invited to those, but he seems to want me to wait for him to be free and not leave him out of my plans . . .. . .. . I feel that he trusts me, feels more comfortable with me, and possibly enjoys my company more than most people. However other times I think he doesn't give a toss . . .. . I'm just convenient because I go out of my way to be there for him and as I drive ( he doesn't) can take us on trips that may be more difficult to access on public transport. .. . . However he does nowadays pay more often. (I always use to pay for everything ) . . .its almost as if he sees our finances as connected. Even if I am paying i.e. a birthday tip for him, he wanted to know the costs and was adamant we wouldn't go if he judged it too expensive (despite me paying). I often also feel that he thinks I know what is planned and going on. It's almost as if he forgets he needs to talk to me? Is this normal?

I'm not unhappy . . .. . I get on with my life, and when ours coincide we have wonderful times. I do miss more communication, but i don't miss the misunderstandings the text messages often caused. I care deeply for him, and it would take a lot for me to walk away. However as I said to my friend 50% of the time I believe he cares and is just really crud at showing it and 50% I think he really doesn't care at all

So really appreciate any thoughts. Is this just normal aspie behaviour, or am I being an idiot? Truthfully I just want to continue to understand more. He is my friend and I care deeply. I'm not planning on walking away any time soon. However advice on here helps me shift some of my stuck expectations .c. .. so thank you in advance .

I would just "leave it alone"---unless you want more than a "friendship" from him.

Some of the behavior is "Aspie"---but some of it reflects a guy who wants his own space. Maybe "wants his cake and wants to eat it as well."

To me, if you want "more" out of the man, you have to have "more" than a "friendship" sort of relationship.

To me, expectations shouldn't be too high in a friendship. As the level of intimacy rises, then the expectations should be raised.

I want nothing more . . .. . Just get confused as my other friends give more reciprocation . . .. I always know they care and value me. With my aspie friend I never have a clue so I sometimes feel like I am putting all the effort in to someone who doesn't care. . . . .. . . That can make me feel like an idiot!

Agree with Kraftie. If you expect more than you have, and perhaps even if you expect it to continue like this, you need to move it to the relationship level. To me, it seems like he sees it more as a potential relationship than a friendship, and then when he gets doubts about it, he withdraws.

What makes you think he gives more reciprocation to other people than he does with you?

Reading your post, you're friend's behavior and level of communication sounds a lot like me. I have a lot of problems with maintaining contact and reciprocating with people, even those I consider close or good friends. Although I try to maintain good contact, it's very difficult and often becomes erratic as I have more/less energy and time to focus on it (as well as varying degrees of awareness of what I am actually doing re communication and social activities). This makes it very difficult for me to maintain friendships, probably for the exact same reasons that you just listed (thanks, btw, for the neurotypical viewpoint on it - that actually helps for me a lot!). Even though I am not contacting someone, I still consider them a friend and may be actually thinking about them a lot, and haven't even realized that I haven't communicated that, or that I should reciprocate, or pay for something, or give a gift, or any other number of social aspect that NTs expect that I have no clue about

I would ask him if he views you as a friend, and ask him what level of friendship he is interested in, and really go with what he says rather than what he does. Also, be very clear and upfront of what YOU want out of the relationship so he is not confused. It can be very difficult for an Aspie to figure this out (ie. are we acquaintances, just colleagues, friends, budding relationship, etc.) In the end, you will probably need to make the choice to accept him as a friend as he is (even with less reciprocated contact/other aspects than your NT friends) or to end the friendship. If you choose the latter, please do tell him, and why, so he is not wondering if you are still a friend or not. It sucks to lose a friend, but the not knowing if you actually lost them is even worse, and the not knowing why even worse than that!

It sounds like you are trying to fix and change him, rather than accepting him for who he is. If you are always arguing, maybe he finds being around you stressful and that's why he doesn't reciprocate as much as you would like him to. I find argumentative people to be very grating, and having someone around constantly critiquing my actions and comparing them to their other friends would wear on me. Maybe he feels like that around you.

Thanks for all the replies . . .. this is why I come here rather than go to a forum with NT partners and friends who criticise and expect their aspie friends, relations and partners to change and "behave" like NT. me being really honest on here and getting replies always helps me to get perspective.

Karath . . .we don't always argue. We used to argue via text . . .. he always seemed to take offence or think I was being critical when we communicated in that medium. I wondered if that's why he doesn't text anymore. I asked him and he said "to be completely honest I don't know why I dont text anymore" . . .

Keladry - thank you for your reply. It's really helpful. I do ask him. He says he cares, he values me and appreciates me. He also says tho that he feels like I need him to constantly tell me these things, and to him that's weird. For me the most difficult thing is that he seems to go to so much more effort for just aquintances . . . .. to me my time, effort, affection etc is primarily for the people I am closest too. Maybe it's because he feel more comfortable and secure in my friendship he doesn't have to make such an effort? He does do some lovely really thoughtful things for me . .. . Just they are sporadic
Im not going to end the friendship . . .. we've struggled through a lot of misunderstandings to get to this point. I just sometimes need to come on here and get a good perspective of how his mind works. . .. .

And Chichikov you're right . . . Hence me coming on here knowing people will point out I'm expecting things he cannot give me . ... . But the trouble is how would I know if things have changed? Will he tell me if he doesn't care anymore. In my NT world the lessening of contact would mean someone is drifting away and no longer interested in your friendship. I don't really think that is the case here. We still meet as often. . .. he is if anything more keen to spend time together.

This is the reason forums like this are good. Without this place I'm not sure I would have been able to understand my friend so well. Probably misunderstandings would have broken the friendship. . .. . And that would be a shame.

Oh and Kraftie . . . Sorry I forgot to reply to you. It's not reciprocation so much for other people. .. . It's going out of his way to compliment them, to offer to help and giving gifts. . .. he will do this to people I consider aquaintances rather than friends. . . .. which seems strange to me. I think it may be just his way of wanting to be accepted etc etc but irks a little when I sometimes feel a little neglected.

But he used to . .. . . ..

I think my friend is the same way . . .. .the weird thing is I'm not like this with anyone else. I have other close male friends. . .. I think it is very subtle the differences in how aspies interact . .. . . I'm not always aware of what I seem to be searching for. I'm just aware that he can make me feel unappreciated, and unvalued. I think this is probably the crux of why it is more difficult for aspies to maintain friendships? . . . Maybe? . . . .. I'm someone with a lot of good close and long term friendships female and male . . . .. no one else makes me feel like I am being needy and attention seeking.. . .. . But I am also aware that I do push him for signs of affection. I don't want to be like that. . .. .. . I'm getting better. Perhaps it's a question of trust on both sides. We think and react differently. It is a little like a different language for me and I must stop expecting him to speak my language.. . . . It's tough tho. It's all so subtle and sometimes subconscious reactions to missed cues and unexpected responses.

I take umbrage at the idea I constantly push him to be something he isn't. . .. I don't. . .. . I'm still here 2yrs on offering him real friendship and he is still here doing the same for me. I accept him but I get tripped up by our differences and then come on here to analyse and understand what is happening.
Him and I. . . .we hang out, have fun, laugh and do interesting things together. . . .. . I do sometimes think he needs to also accept me for the neurotypical, emotional person I am and throw a few crumbs in my direction occasionally. He definitely knows how much I appreciate and value him as a person and a friend.