Help! NT needs help learning how to love an Aspie

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I love an Aspie. There i said it! I DOOO. However, it is hard sometimes! I need to find some tips or resources on how best to deal with our issues. I try to read up, but haven't found much.

Namely, how do I not feel snubbed when the affection isn't the way an NT might display.

How should I try and remain distant enough to not take the things personal my aspie does? I know much of it is not meant intentionallly when we disagree, but I still feel in the line of fire.

How do you deal with conflict resolution in your relationships? I want to keep loving my Aspie!

Also, how can I deal with the tremendous time my Aspie needs alone, but not feel rejected.

Any basic life tips would rock. I love this person a lot but want to be healthy for the both of us.

You need to communicate to your beloved Aspie verbally about how you feel. Remember that we are not good at picking up on subtle, unspoken cues. So verbal communication is the key.

Also, as with any relationship, you will need a lot of PATIENCE with the other person, so that conflicts can be dealt with and not get out of control.

Other than that, I couldn't really tell you, since relationships are alien to me.

If you are one of those people who need sex, or someone touching them all over or being on them lot of the times just to feel loved or to be known they are loved, and needs to do all those things to your partner just to make the relationship better; some of us don't see the point in all that. Sex is over rated. Too much touch can overwhelm us, someone sitting close to us where their bodies are touching us or when we are lying down and our partner's body is touching us, we might feel our personal space is being invaded and we want some space. I don't understand why people have to do these things to make the relationship good. To me a good relationship is respecting your partner, no fighting and lot of arguing, understanding your partner, not expecting them to be like your or like a normal man or woman, spending some time together, going out. Mine is more of friendship. If one of you can't accept your partner, or can't live with the lack of a normal relationship, then the relationship is no good is it.

I love an Aspie too. I have some tips for you that work for me most of the time.

1. Don't push him to talk when he can't do it
2. Use email communication for the hard things to talk about. Responding in text is easier for Aspie's to respond.
3. He might need help remembering things
4. Don't take things personal, just relax and know that if he loves you then he loves you
5. If your guy needs alone time on the computer, try to do things on the computer at the same time.
6. Try to find interest in his special interest, learn to play games if he likes them. Follow his lead.
7. Tell him the things you need that make you happy. If you want a hug every day, tell him. Write it down if you have to.

Last, have patience. You'll get upset at things, if you do take a break and think about what is making you upset. It's probably related to the Asperger's. Just realize that and it will help.

tell him what you like and remind him, but don't make him. say "I enjoyed when you bought me roses for my birthday! I like it so much when you do that every time I have a birthday."

don't expect him to read your mind. tell him everything directly. tell him how you want him to touch you. feel free to ask him anything but don't ask "why?" just ask him to tell you what he is thinking. aspies can be very honest which is a big plus in a relationship. and just accept him. never criticize. aspies don't like criticism and rejection. they love acceptance.

Now we've helped you can you help us? How did he get you hooked? Does he subscribe to any seduction science? If so, which did he find the most useful?

yea, we all need a nice chick like you to marry! give us some tips, don't be shy!

threads like these gets me all squishy and mushy.

THERE IS HOOOOPE!
*sob sobbety sob* :'')

Understanding the problem is the biggest part. Now you just have to learn to accept that this is going to be the norm. The affection is there, we just tend to not exaggerate it like NT's do.



When we disagree, it doesn't have anything personal to do with the opposing side. We simply disagree with the issue, and are usually stubborn about it.



Life can be draining to an aspie. Learn to understand that we frequently need time to "re-charge", and it is not a form of rejection. Maybe find some past-time to help take your mind off it?

Keep in mind, these answers are coming from an aspie.

If he asks a question which to your NT mind is silly or odd, bear in mind to the AS mind it might be a perfectly reasonable question. Always answer it in a sensible manner.

Be careful with email, if you send him an answer by email include the question so that he knows exactly what you are giving an answer to, that way he can follow the line of reasoning.

Most important treat him like a human never like an animal at the zoo

Here's what I've found works for loving my Aspie:

-Communicate directly, verbally (or at least vocally), and well, with emotions expressed while they're relevant but not bottled up. If you get mad at him, reassure him that it's not over unless you cannot come to a resolution or compromise, but also say exactly what you're mad about, and don't be afraid to be blunt about it. This is not just because of any possible Aspie difficulties with deciphering communication, but also because, like anyone else, Aspies often want to get away with stuff or get their way, and like anyone else, they may not take you seriously unless you are direct and assertive in standing up for what you want/need.

-If something your Aspie partner said upset you, then talk it out. Ask why he did it. Try to get to the bottom of the issue - fear of doing new things/disruption of routine, sensory overload, maybe something more mundane and familiar like having a lot on their mind. If it's a serious thing, something that really hurt you, make it clear that it's not acceptable.

-If you've upset your partner, also talk it out, and encourage him to tell you what he needs.

-If you have different needs for affection, then try to work out a way that both of you can meet in the middle. Early on, I, the NT, was the one who had trouble with affection for psychological reasons (I felt a sort of resentment to social pressure to be warm and affectionate, since I'm a little nerdy and not naturally that way even though I'm as NT as can be according to the rdos Aspie-Quiz and my own understanding of the core nature of the autistic spectrum). He wanted to be in physical contact practically all the time when we were together, and seemed needy. We talked it out, brought it to his therapists, and ended up working out a compromise where there would be "on days" and "off days" - some days we wouldn't snuggle up much at all, and other days I'd let him have his fill. Eventually the need for that broke down as I became more comfortable being affectionate and he also seemed a bit less needy about it. Now, we're in a situation where I want to be more physical, and that's pushing up really hard against his fear of trying new things, to the point where he passive-aggressively hurt me. We talked that out, with me not holding back about how I felt about his actions and what I thought of his fears/excuses (I even cursed at him when he made an inappropriate joke), and also brought it to his therapists, and now we're working on slowly desensitizing him to his fear of this brand of new stuff.

-Overall, it's our mutual determination to solve problems and make this work as long as it can because we both know there's so much good going on in the relationship that allows us to work out. The mutual determination leads to good communication, which leads to conflict resolution.

I am an aspie dating an aspie(pretty sure)...and I have difficulties with certain things like taking his bad moods and bluntness and whatnot literally...I find that it is sort of like parenting a special needs child...That's the kind of patience and stubborn love it might take...(I have found this has sort of been the case for anyone who has chosen to get involved with me)

As it is with being a parent ( i assume)...one needs to find the delicate balance between adequate closeness and smothering...and so on..Sometimes you might find that you might just need to be a wall that your aspie can bounce off of...I have found I have needed to be this for my Aspie friend...just as my other partner has been this for me (i am poly..have 2 boyfriends)

When I am not acting up out of overload/moodiness, I tend to want to avoid conflict and part of the compatibility I have with my partners is not to nitpick on little things...I let some things that might really upset some people roll off my back if I can.

I know that a lot of my aspie friend's moods are his response to stress and overload, and I have the same kind of moodiness myself, but I can be the sensitive type..I tend to hyper-fixate and worry and take things personally, and have to remind myself not to be ruled by those feelings...but it can be hard. I only let it get to me because I care..

But we are not all the same. I love sex, although I have found other things that are better. I love to have my female companion in my personal space, close body contact, skin on skin. You need to determine individual preferences.

Last edited by Shadow50 on 14 Apr 2009, 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

This is a good list (for me, anyway), a very very good list. These are all things my ex refused to do and that relationship failed.

Couple of expansions for me ... my ex got frustrated if she asked me about something that hadn't been in my thoughts for a while and I didn't answer immediately. I needed time to dredge up memories, process data, and formulate a response. She didn't like to give me the time to do that. A typpie would have made an instant automatic response based on what they thought the other person wanted to hear. Aspies generally have a greater allegiance to facts and truth.

Often she would react to the first three words I said when speaking about a topic rather than let me tell the full story first. I don't always say things in the same order a typpie would, and sometimes the early part of the conversation would invoke a hostile reaction. With my current girlfriend, I am always careful to say "Let me finish telling you this before you respond ..."

Making lists/notes is a big help for me. My ex refused. Her memory was near perfect and she expected everyone else's to be the same. Mine is fragmented, some things stick, some don't no matter how hard I try ... diary notes and to do lists work for me.

If you have a need, tell him what it is in unambiguous terms, don't be like my ex and start by berating him for not meeting your needs ... he is probably not even aware of what they are if you haven't told him.

Above all, love him because he exists, not because of what you think you can turn him into.

This is a very difficult and frustrating issue. Probably every aspie is diferent, my husband was reluctant to display affection because he felt vulnerable. But there were always things he did that indirectly expressed his feeling. He wouldn't say : I love you! very often but instead he would insist to take me to a concert (heavy metal type ) even if he was extremely unconfortable with that. In time displaying affection got better, he got used with me , having me around and the trust he developed made him feel much confortable.


Try asking him why he does what he does. As an NT you may not understand but there may be a very logic explanation and once you know it it's not personal any more.


Stay calm (that's difficult some times ), explain your point of view logically, explain your feelings and ask him to explain his point of view. I found that a lot of conflicts are just misunderstandings.


I found that very difficult at the begining of our relationship, I felt very rejected and unhappy. But I loved him very much so I learned to do things on my own and with my girlfriends. This also got better in time , he got used with me and can relax with me now.


In my experience comunication is the key.

Its commendable that you're actually trying to understand him. Most people expect us to succumb to their NT ways and "snap out of it".

I'd say the most important thing to an Aspie relationship with an NT? Patience.