Talking to other AS/NT couples

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I have been with my NT girlfriend for nearly 4 years (Will be 4 years on the 14th this month). Although we are more or less OK now, about 7 months back we had a bit of a problem which led to a small, 2 week separation. While not all of it, some of it was down to issues with my AS. When we got back together, we talked about how to deal with some of the issues and how we both could help our relationship. My girlfriend found a workshop for women with AS partners. Thinking this would be a productive thing to do she spent the money and went to it. It turned out that it was more of a meeting for divorcees and getting over their crap husband. Some of the women there gave my girlfriend the 'wonderful' advice of "Get out while you still can". Thankfully, she didn't listen, but such negativity can still be quite harmful. (By the way - for those that want to know it was Maxine Aston, we hadn't heard of her at that point. Interestingly she mentions WP in her "workshop" saying WP doesn't like her much.) Another downside was that all the other women were middle aged. As we are both 23/24, having these as the only examples of AS/NT relationships is hardly encouraging.

Since then we have been trying to find more couples that are closer to our age that are not on the brink of ruin. Several of the forums and message boards that my girlfriend have found that are devoted to the NT side, seem very negative places generally. I.E - Bitter, dissolution women that have found a label to blame and projects a stereotype of all AS men onto us all. Luckily my girlfriend can tell the difference between the bitter women and the ones that actually want the support to have a better relationship with their AS partners. Problem is that these people seem far too rare.

I was wondering if there is anyone on wrong planet that is in a (relatively) successful relationship that wouldn't mind talking with us. We basically want to talk to someone more positive. It may even be positive for your own relationship. Either way - let me know.

Well, we don't exactly fit your parameters, but if our experience can be any help, we'd be happy to offer it. I'm a 51 YO lesbian Aspie in a 9 year relationship with a 54 YO woman.

Maybe you two might benefit from our youthful mistakes? And our 'mature' (LOL) accomplishments?

My aspie hubbie and I got married at 20, we are now 34 , we have 2 kids and are very happy. We had difficult times in the past mainly because we didn't know about AS. I met my husband when I was 15, we were friends for 2 years before getting together so I knew he was different in many ways and I loved him for that. Probably when people are young they are a bit more flexible in the ways they think, we learned to communicate to each other, to explain what we feel and what we like/dislike. We had a crisis when I sufered post-natal depression and lost my insight for a while. I couldn't communicate my needs and my feelings because I wasn't sure what was happening to me and he was lost because we didn't know how to help. By the time I managed to put myself together we were both wounded by this experience. When we found out about his AS everything made sense. All the time I asked myself why he reacted so unexpected, all the time I was convinced he punished me for being sad and useless when he actually made such a huge effort to make me good but it was something that didn't work for me because he didn't understand how bad my depression was. Once we learned about AS we talked this issues over and over again, we understand now how our brains work differently and why things got that bad and most important that we both did our best and had no intention to hurt the other. From the point where we are in our relationship, I'll say that the future looks good .

Well, you have a lot of good things going for you that the ex-husbands of these women probably did not:

1. You're not in denial about the AS. You take responsibility for your half of the relationship, and you don't insist that she's crazy or delusional (which my dad did to my mom).
2. You have open communication your girlfriend about your relationship problems and you proactively try to solve them together. She has a realistic understanding of the demands of a relationship with you because you're open about the AS.
3. There's a ton of literature available these days about AS, which explains behavior patterns and communication styles that would otherwise be misunderstood in a marriage.

As bitchy and negative as those divorced women may seem, my mother happens to be one of them and I have seen firsthand what growing up in a household with an emotionally abusive, manipulative, undiagnosed, untreated father in denial about his AS can do to a family. After being put through that for years, it is easy to see why people would generalize in order to avoid getting hurt again. My dad permanently messed up my mom emotionally, because for years she thought she had a marriage that was an equal partnership and at one point she realized that he had never really cared about her or her welfare at all, he only valued her for what he could do for him. But my dad has a sociopath side to him along with the Asperger's, and some bipolar tendencies. You are probably more likely to succeed simply because you just have the AS to deal with.

Thank you for your responses, I shall try to PM you at some point, later this week.

I would like to point out that I didn't want to sound that the other women that didn't have successful AS/NT relationships were in any way unjustified. Sad truth is that there are always going to be people that just plain bad in relationships in general. Unfortunately, when there can be a label, that tends to be the main focus, as it's easier to say "Men with AS are all A-Holes" than "That person just an A-Hole" as it means that you have an obvious defence and justification for any ill feelings.

I think that this is the main point though. There is far to much emphasis on "broken" relationship between AS/NTs that there is an overall "doomed" feeling about the relationship from the first sign of any problems. (i.e.: "If he doesn't get it now then he never will, his brain just *won’t* work that way", which is very unfair, especially as I know that things can be learnt, even if just by rote.)

An issue with finding out about existing good relationships is that sometimes it isn't "noteworthy" for any kind of information on it. My girlfriend and I have quite a few books on AS, she is also a psychology graduate, so most AS based relationship books tend to have a lot of superfluous information, with very little about how a couple managed to stay together and how they dealt with certain issues, with out any guess work, suggestions that may only really apply to a “more” autistic person, or suggestions that are slighting demeaning.

Changed...
What do you two think of the following books?
'Counseling for Asp. Couples' by Barrie Thompson
'The Other Half of Asp. Syndrome' by Maxine Aston
'Asp Syn and Long-Term Relationship' by Ashley Stanford

My therapist rec'd them to my NT partner, but we haven't gotten them yet. Love to hear your take on them first, if you're familiar with them.

Thanks!

I wanted to say "check out the 'Loving the Tasmanian Devil' blog (=web address)", but it says that I am not trusted to posts urls until I submit 5 posts without urls (should I bet this was imposed on me because I identify with NT?!). Google to find the blog. The owner is amazing, and her experiences of loving her Aspie are incredibly candid. This should be a book! As a former girlfriend of a very ignorant Aspie I tend to disagree with her, but I absolutely respect her opinion and optimism.

It's really great to see that there are other people on here who are in AS/NT relationships and wanting to talk about it. My boyfriend just told me a few days ago that he has AS, and suddenly everything I found perplexing about him makes complete sense to me now. I actually don't know if I could really call myself an NT-- I have a lot in common with Aspies, some things definitely point towards me being one, though a couple things don't match up. AS runs in my family (which probably explains why I'm so comfortable with my boyfriend--AS is familiar to me, though I didn't know it by name until recently), and I'm definitely not 100% neurotypical, though I don't think that really has a lot to do with my story right now. Anyhow, I was more relieved than anything to hear that he's an Aspie because now I feel better equipped to understand why he does the things he does and says the things he says, though I still have some questions about being in a relationship with one. I'm very much falling in love with him and I think that talking to other people in relationships like mine would really help me out.

I've thought about purchasing a few books on AS, and I think I'm going to get "The Other Side of Asperger's." I've read really good reviews on that one.

No, it's standard for everyone; no need to take it personal (I'm Dx AS and it applied to me too). Just go make the required number of posts and then come back here and share that site; I'd love to take a look at it.

I haven't really been able to give this much thought right now - but I will try to get back to you. (Especially who ever that one person was that said "no" to the poll, I want to know why). I'm moving house in a week’s time so it may take a while to get back to some of you personally.

I have a few opinions on any of Maxine Astons book, I think that they are a bit under-developed and give far too much emphasis on the stereotype of what an AS person is and is given to saying "He WILL do" rather than saying that "He may do". Then again, quite a few books seem to be stating that a stereotype is always true (which I'm sure many people here will know that is certainly not the case).

The problem with some books is that its difficult to find a book that goes with your level of understanding of AS. Hense why I want to try to talk to a group of other AS/NT couples. (I really will get back to some of you!)

by the way - I think that the "Loving Mr. Spock" is a good book to read.

I'd be interested in joining into the conversation as well. I am not truly NT with some aspie tendencies myself (thus my initial vote of "maybe" since I don't like to share too much or be too social LOL). Anyway, I was married to an aspie for almost 15 yrs who was quite abusive. I tried to stick with it, but just had to get out. It wasn't his aspieness, it was his particular choices that finally made me get out. Anyway, I am now in a relationship with an autistic/aspie guy and it's a whole different story and a much better one. There are still challenges in the relationship, but it feels like a real relationship to me, rather than what I was in before. Anyway, all is good now and so far we are successfully navigating through the ups and downs. I guess I wouldn't mind hearing others' stories/successes.

We have an interesting relationship. Try this combination. He is AS and I am CAPD. I think that it gives me some extra insight to his behavior. CAPD and AS have the similar behavioral aspects.

CAPD?

Sorry to people that replied. I have only just regained my internet connection. I shall try to reply to some of you over the next copuple of days.

I'm an NT female and have been with my aspie bf for a year and a half now and we have gone through many ups and countless downs - he's currently residing in another country, and my family objects strongly to our relationship on the basis of cross-culture etc.

I have come to learn that every relationship is unique (including aspie-NT ones), and only you can judge for yourself how your relationship is truly like, how you think it can be improved etc. I am also given to understand that Aspies can be quite dissimilar from each other.

Having said that, however, I do believe that there is value in experience-sharing with other Aspie-NT couples. If anything, it helps to speak to and listen from people who actually do understand about the condition and the "specialness" of your relationship, without having to explain from scratch (no offence intended here, just that it does get a bit exhausting after a while convincing NT friends that I'm not delusional - the Cassandra syndrome?).

Perhaps ONE common thread in all aspie-NT relationships is that it tends to take a lot more work emotionally. I recall reading from somewhere that it's akin to seeing someone from a totally different culture, in that you tend to start off with some puzzling (even frustrating) communication issues, but after getting to know your partner better (and the process is never boring I swear), it can be all good.