NT/AS relationships

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Hi, I'm a 24 year old AS girl and I've been going out with my NT boyfriend for about 8 months. We are moving in with each other in the next couple of months, and I was just wondering when other people told their partner they had AS and whether they did it before or after they moved in?

He comments a lot that I'm strange and not like other girls, but says this is why he loves me. He knows I hate having my routines broken and suffer a lot of anxiety in social situations but he doesn't yet know why or all the other things that affect me.

Thanks.

My NT wife (married for 16 years now) was just always attracted to people with that personality. I jokingly accuse her of being a masochist. Over the years we laughed about me having asperger's syndrome without really knowing what that meant. It wasn't until about a year ago that we really started to understand and do research. What an epiphany that was.

It explained all sorts of things that had happened over the years. In the end, she feels a lot better about it. For example, sometimes I would recoil from her touch because of sensory problems. I wasn't feeling anything bad emotionally when that happened. It was entirely physical. But she always interpreted it as rejection. When she learned about the sensory effects of AS, she asked me if I had any sensory problems. I went on and on describing all sorts of problems. Suddenly she realized I hadn't been rejecting her all these years. This had a huge affect on her emotional state. She feels a lot better about the relationship now.

My mother moved in with me a couple years ago. She was shocked. Apparently I had been putting on such a good show outside the house that she had no idea I was this affected.

If I had to date again, I would tell her almost immediately. At this age, I'm very good at hiding it, but not perfect. And I would want an explanation already available to them in their head if something unusual were to happen, something to make them ask questions rather than come to a wrong conclusion. I suspect as soon as you move in together, he'll see the mask come off. That may not be a bad thing. But he needs to be prepared for it. Communication is vital for any kind of relationship and more-so for one involving people with AS.

Chances are you're not talking enough causing him to assume the wrong things.

brian

This is a tough one.

Perhaps were there difficulties...but things appear to be going swimmingly.
As he loves you for who you are, why, that is really very special.
It would seem that one would have to believe him as he states.

Very best of luck to you both!

.

I've always imagined telling them that I'm asexual would be harder to do.

I told my GF as soon as I found out.

She didn't really believe me at first, but I think it was more because she didn't really know what it meant.

Chances are you're not talking enough causing him to assume the wrong things.

brian[/quote]


This statement is sooo true for me. Once I realized that my husband is AS, or very AS like it totally changed the way I see things in our relationship. The rejection thing was a huge problem. Now that I know his distance at times and the communication problems we have isn't because of me, I don't feel that way anymore. It's so nice to have this information. I wish I knew that from the beginning. My suggestion is that if you are serious enough to live with each other, then you should tell him. It may save a lot of problems in the future with missunderstandings.

Good Luck! I'm happy for you!

Thank you for your replies.

What I'm most worried about is that I didn't tell him straight away, but from my experience as soon as a guy knows you have 'issues' of some sort they run a mile. Many people have pre-conceptions of AS and autism and I wouldn't want to be judged by a stereotype before someone gets to know me. Also I haven't been offically diagnosed yet, so part of me feels I don't have the right to give myself the label of being AS, although I am certain I have it.

Luckily we have a very strong relationship and he has already accepted my many oddities, so I know he will accept me for who I am. I'm just concerned he will be hurt that I didn't share it with him earlier. I know it will lead to him understanding me more though, as I know he is baffled by some of the things I say and do.

I'd say that if your relationship is becoming serious, then you should definitely tell him. It's a part of who you are, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it or that you have to hide it from the one you love. Besides, you've said he has already told you he loves that side of you.

I would say tell them, if they are understanding and willing to listen, because it will probably make things a lot easier down the road. If they take off running, they are probably not right for you anyways, and it will save you a ton of wasted time and energy.

I would say he is pretty understanding, telling him will not hurt. If he has been with you 8 months and you two are moving in together...well, go for it.

I will state this from my own personal experience though, him understanding fully your AS is a seperate thing. My partner and I have had struggles over the fact I often react very differently to what is typical at times and he had understandable difficulty understanding it. It lead to a rocky part of the relationship we have moved past at this point, and he does have a better grasp on who and what I am.

Hey Kerry, I'm 24 as well, with jus autism, but I'm dating a neurotypical guy for over 3 years now, he now lives with us in my familys home to help my mother out some, and were doing well. He knew right away, but when id id tell him i educated him about autism as much as i possibly could with getting him signed up here, gave him articles, sent him emails, etc, we went to autism fairs, walks, picnics, events all over to get him more aware. Today he might be tutoring a 13 yr old severely autistic boy, he helps out with the autism carnival every year, he comes with me to group homes where we help out profoundly autistics, volunteers at the childrens specialized hospital working with every type of disability his fav kid is a severely autistic boy, he helped me be a big to a 13 yr old girl with pddnos, he is turning his car into an autism car for car shows, his whole car club is going to have their own car show with all benefits goes to autism awareness. We still attend every autism event, and hes learned sign to help communicate with me, learn how to use pecs with me and knows everything thing about redircection, re=enforcement, repitition which is so important with me haha. He almost become like the autism whisperer, he can handle anything literally, and we havent had a real huge fight in months. If u ever want to chat or talk more about it, just pm me. Nobody believes i have a bf or that he is dating me, his friends considering me moderate-low functioning because msot of the time i hang out with them i cant carry on a simple conversation, usually only sign, and jus stim all the time hehe. I consider myself tho moderate-high functioning for sure. Anyways jus rambled off again lol sorry about that, anyways sorta know what ur going through!

Wow, your boyfriend sounds amazing.

If you plan to get a diagnosis, maybe including him in the process will bring you closer together. It could be very bonding.

I told her early on, and we're moving in soon. We essentially live together now because she just stays at my place almost every night. If it's someone tolerant they'll be able to handle it as long as they know it'll be on a different level when you live together.

I've been with my NT but very odd boyfriend for 7 or 8 months. We were friends first and I'd already told him then. I think if he accepts you for who you are anyway, just putting a label on it shouldn't make too much difference. I know my boyfriend sees it as just a label that's assigned to a set of personality traits. I am who I am, just some people decide to call it AS. Maybe if you explain that you're not sure you definately have it, and about it often scaring people off he'll understand.