ADVICE REQUIRED PLEASE!! !!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi - I have a thing where I kinda require advice please!! !!

Some background information -

I have been dating my partner since the middle of March (the 15th), and we were close for some time before this. He is NT and I have AS. He is loving and caring and looks after me when I am having difficulty; which brings me to my main thing I need advice for.

I have a tendancy to "wobble" - as in i have panic / anxiety attacks - when specific situations occur. Since I started dating him, these have been becoming more frequent that my usual level (brought on by crowds or sustained loud noises etc).

Specifically I want him to be happy (and because of the usual difficulties) I cannot tell straight off if he is ok with what I am doing. So I ask and I ask and I ask, constantly seeing reassurance and consent with my actions.

But, if i upset him, I feel absolutely aweful, and I cannot deal with the welling of emotions that come along. I basically breakdown and end up having an anxiety attack, which lasts about an hour. In this time, I am sure that my partner feels quite unable to do anything - and i worry that this is becoming frustrating for him.

I want him to be happy with me and for me and I dont want him to become unhappy because of these attacks.

So, I come asking for advise from people about how they deal with similar situations... or anything people want to say or suggest or comment

you are worried if he likes or not and unsure how he reacts to what you say and do. if he is your partner, than you don't have to change to be with him. you still need to make an effort, though, but you don't have to ask him all the time. maybe you could limit the number of times you ask somewhat? what kind of answers does he give you when you do?

I am sure he likes me - we have said that we love each other, and he has further said that he loves all of me, including my AS.

I do try to limit how often I ask him things - always to three times when giving positive replies, but i stop the action and the questions if there is a negative.

However, it is in this negative that the roots of my wobbles lie - I feel I may have done something wrong and it makes me regretful and annoyed with myself that I couldnt see that it was making him "unhappy"

It is unrealistic to expect your partner to always be happy with you. At times, he will be unhappy. And you will be unhappy too. It's fine.

What exactly do you say when you ask him? what does he reply back?

I will ask "are you ok with "x"?" i will do whateve "x" is once, then ask again, then ask a third time.

generally his reply is "yes" and he will encourage me

I have very low self-esteem, and he is always there helping me along, especially wiht stuff that I am not fully clear with. and he tells me that he loves the things about me that I am most insecure with.

and incidentally, I have asked him to be reading this post, so that he can see what people suggest for him as well as for myself.

I have also ordered two books; both on relationships with Aspies, that we might find useful together:

The Asperger Love Guide: A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships
by Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton

The Asperger Couple's Workbook: Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors
by Maxine Aston

any advice on these books?

I'd be the one asking my partner "is it ok to do "X" " but if she did more than once, I'd get annoyed a little. I think if he says yes once, then ask in your head and answer yourself "yes" in your head. Honestly, I have no idea. Relationships are too complicated for me grasp..

The Family Crucible is a book you can get in a library which is a fun read.

Aston can have a bit of a bias-slant - just a fair warning, it doesn't mean you won't find some helpful information there.

Asking every time you do something is a little extreme; having confidence in yourself is a big part of being able to contribute to a relationship. You may wish to apply some focus there as well instead of solely on the AS aspects.


M.

as long as your partner knows that you, like all of us aspies, are clueless as to what he is thinking and can't read his mind, than he has to do his part by taking the initiative to let you know what he is thinking. you on the other hand, should let him know how to tell you so that it does not alienate you.

To be honest, it has happened in the past where a question was asked, and **in the moment** it was ok, but later consent was taken back due to discomfort on his part. As such, we are working towards better communication, especially if such situations arise, hence the asking three times. This was part of what I was originally writing about - when he told me about this, I felt like I had completely taken advantage of the situation we found ourselves in. He told me not to apologise for the situation and not to worry about it, but by this point I was completely in the throw of a wobble / panic attack.

Looking back on it, analysing it (which is something I always try to do with wobbles to try and not allow the circumstances to arise again) I understand that I should have trusted him more and believed him completely when he told me not to worry about it. I do have doubts within myself, about myself though; i want belive him with all that I have, but I have problems in being able to believe in myself. This is something that my partner is trying so hard to help me overcome.

I ought to say that he has been incredibly helpful for me, he is trying so hard, and I am worried that I will push him away because, although I am trying hard to change - well, i dont see much change in myself



I will look for it to buy - sorry, but i cannot read library books; i always need to have my own copy.