Aspie Guys entering relationship/dating

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As an Aspie guy, I find the concept of dating and entering a relationship daunting and overwhelming. I just think that my wiring makes it difficult for me and when I compare myself to an NT in a relationship I become confused and disheartened. I think Aspie guys have it harder in that we are too rigid perhaps and structured in our conduct. Perhaps we also overlook signs and signals which may be important in the dating process. It is so difficult to live in a society that expects people at 36 to be married or in some kind of steady relationship. You are seen as unconventional or abnormal if you do not fit into the mould and I avoid places where there are couples and other couples looking at me and wondering why I am single. I believe Aspies are disadvantaged in the relationship area and Aspie guys more so particularly. We are not good at being the innovators and more so understanding essential and important feelings which help us to be accepted and understood in a relationship. The very concept of dating and relationships depress me and I think if I invest too much time in looking for one then I start to feel down. More needs to happen to understand our situation rather than to brush it off, especially when there are more Aspies making the transition from childhood to adolescence. Understanding and support is needed.

Hey there,

What kind of support do you think you would need to help in this situation? This is a question for everybody who feels the same way. There are a lot of resources available for children for coping with their problems but not nearly so much for adult aspies. If you could get support as an adult for problems like dealing with dating and relationships, what specifically do you think would help?

I have recently completed my PhD, and I have done very little dating up until now. I didn't even try to get into a serious relationship because there's no way I could handle that and do the stuff my degree requires. My next step is to get into a good career and get some money so I can be comfortable and get away from the college scene, which isn't the real world anyway, for dating or anything else.

When you date, you're presenting yourself as mating material, so a higher standard of perfection must be met than is required for other kinds of relationships, and this is a very demanding thing which will require your full concentration. Everything you say or do has to be juuust right. Be prepared for a lot of second guessing. And remember, this is supposed to be FUN. I can understand the point of view of those who don't date because they're tired of having to live up to unrealistic standards and they want to live by their own schedules.

in answer to biscuit paws, maybe some conflict resolution strategies that you could go through with your partner would be helpful. i have had so much trouble trying to resolve problems with my partner because of our different communication styles. for instance just result she said "do you think we can finish the project?" and i answered "yes" but what she really meant was "i need your support because i am feeling insecure about the project" and what i would love is something that could show conflict resolution where both people are satisfied

As an NT woman I'm not sure I agree with you. Looking back, I was always interested in AS-type men (had no ideea what AS was until recently). I would prefer an AS man that is more open about his problems (reading body language, anxiety, etc) and can relax and be himself than a man that over-analises every detail of the conversation, is stressed about the RIGHT answer, the right facial expression, a man that tries to see signs and meanings in everything I say or do.

When I was 16 I was going twice a week at this karate club. There was this very shy guy there that almost never spoke to the rest of us. We lived in the same area, it was about 30 minutes walk from the club. One day I approched him, I like to talk and we were going in the same direction. First time I did most of the talking and I was left with the impresion that he didn't like me very much. But next time he was waiting for me when we finished, he didn't said anything just started walking next to me. Few weeks later we were having really interesting conversations, he was very open about his problems, anxiety, the need to be alone sometimes, he didn't like people looking at him, he had some strange routines. He was very inteligent and very gentle and I felt very special to be allowed in his world. Of course, at that time I wasn't aware of AS and probably neighter was he. Anyway, after few months of walking home together every Tuesday and Thursday, I asked him out. He got very stressed and said that I was to young (he was 24). I've seen him twice after that but he didn't looked like he enjoyed himself as he did before. He didn't come back to the club and I always feld very guilty about that. I still wonder why he cut me out like this, I wasn't going to cling on him or pester him with my attention.

When I read this, I can't help but notice an assumption. You assume all people are very open with their mental state (i.e. AS or NT) and will tell you from the top what the situation is. Also, you don't have to tell your romantic interest if you don't want to. Unless you're super dead-set in your ways, they might not even notice. I personally tell nobody that I have AS unless they specifically ask. I've been with a guy for six months and haven't told him yet. There might be an age difference between the two of us, but we have a few things in common. We both have Asperger's Syndrome, we are both interested in the dating prospect, and we are probably both interested with NT people. I'm confident you'll find somebody with whom you are very happy or be very happy with yourself. You sound like a very nice person who anybody would be lucky to have. Best of luck!

It's harder for aspies who can't talk and who are "slow." So much of dating is verbal.

It's funny how dating works differently for men and women. I'm a man, so I speak from experience. The truth is that a lot of the things men say on a date aren't what's on their minds. They check, cross-check, and double-check everything before flagging it as safe for date conversations. After all, if the man says something wrong, the woman will lose interest in him, and he will lose everything he worked for until that point. Because women are the ones who do the choosing, the pressure on men to say the right things is very intense. He knows he can lose a woman's interest in a split second, just because he made a mistake of deciding to say something wrong.

Allow me to illustrate all that with an analogy. Let's say you go to Target, and buy a KitchenAid handheld mixer. You're getting the final product, a fully-assembled, ready-to-use mixer. But consider how it was manufactured. It was probably made in a factory in China, where the wages are low, the safety regulations are lax, and the working conditions are hard. Many hours of labor were put in to make a mixer that people buy on an impulse and simply throw away if it stops working. Similarly, every phrase a man says on a date undergoes analysis about whether or not a woman will lose interest if he says it, just as many hours of Chinese labor are put it to build a mundane household appliance. Of course, some phrases are already pre-flagged as safe and don't require analysis, such as "your hair looks nice", but there aren't many of them.

As for the guy rejecting you because "you're too young", I don't blame him. He was 24, and you were 16. He knows that he can get in trouble with the law for that. Sure, having dinner together is perfectly legal, but dating eventually leads to physical intimacy, and that's where the law says he can't be with anyone under 18. He probably had visions of himself being taken to prison or something, so he didn't want to start dating you.

In my experience NT men say more stupid things on dates than AS men. The difference is that NTs are more relaxed and can make fun of it. I think aspies are more intense about the date and take it too seriously. If you can make a woman laugh and relax with you she'll be interested. If you're too stressed and don't say what's on your mind they'll get the impresion you're fake. And the reason why they are on a date with you is to know you.

Also, if I can make a suggestion to aspie men: don't tell the girl that you remember every word of every conversation you had with her. That's kind of creepy and she will think you are obsessed with her. Even if you are like my hubby and remember every conversation you had in the past, every phone number you dialled, everybody's car registration number, every suburb's postal code in the city and the phone number that was stuck on a friend's fridge when you visited 3 weeks ago . This specific talent of his still annoys me .

I do the 'rule of 3' method I developed as my own coping mechanism.... When I rememebr the details of a date, I focus only on things in threes....

when I compliment her, I will compliment on three things, not at one but throughout the night... I remember three things she said in our conversations, like 3 interests, kinds of things she likes, but rememebr 3 of them...

so on and so forth for the next meeting, I will bring up one thing at a time as a means to continue a dialog but stop after the third thing... also an opportunity to pick up 3 new things the second time together, so on and so forth...

Although I may rememebr a lot more details and retain the information, I will bring up only some things and go from there...

The last part is funny about your husband's long memory. I have a sucky short-term memory, but when it comes to things that happened many months, or even years ago, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I don't know how many times I have caught people in lies, or remembered stupid stuff they said or did a long time ago. They are like "you don't forget nothing, do you?" Or, they will tell me something one day, and a couple months later I will remind them about it, and they are like "who told you that?"

Anyways, to the OP, I wouldn't worry too much about not being in a relationship. There are many single people out there that are perfectly happy the way their life is. Keep in mind, that not everybody that is married, or in a relationship is perfectly happy either. Just look at the divorce rate in this country.

Um...the whole point about dating is to find your mate; if the NT isn't taking it that seriously, gee...I wonder why the divorce rate is so friggin' high....

With me, my verbal skills are an utter disaster; I come off mumbling and fumbling half the time.

I'm lucky my gal went after me. I'm a very serious, business-oriented guy, so I take most things very seriously. I have a no-nonsense approach to most things, and I'll smack anyone who tells me otherwise.

And it's ironic you mentioned the creepy thing; I was recently going thru some old magazines of mine, and found an advertisement for an action figure that came out about 10 years ago...which surprisingly looks a lot like this girl I used to like in high school; she and I are still "sorta" friends, and I thought it would be funny to show it to her...especially as the action figure is some nun, and my friend has become ultra-religious. I brought it up to my girlfriend and she said "yeah, that'd be kinda creepy", so I decided it best not to mention it to my friend.

Again, though, I look down on the whole idea of "not taking it so seriously". That's why, in my mind, the divorce rate is so high. You may disagree now, but give it about 30 years, and tell me you think differently.

Sorry, my English is not that good, this is not what I wanted to say.
I was talking about the first date or the first few dates when people check each other out, not later in the relationship.

damn right.

I've only realised a few days ago that I'm about to lose all the friends that I'd ever made, simply because I am single. all my close friends have gotten married, and they'd been spending all their free time with other couples. even if they didn't really like them that much (! !!). for some reason I've suddenly beenexcluded from most of their activities.

it's terrible to know that you're about to get terminally excluded from your "team" (and I don't have any other close friends, and probably never will have) simply because you're single and would make the couples feel uncomfortable. even if you have no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship.

hey all, i'm an Aspie guy (or suspected AS:)
i have had very little luck in "dating" & relationships.. although i'm not so much put off women or relationships, just lonely & back at square one so to speak..
I don't really go out at all now, except to the shop across the road & i need to psyche myself up for a long time..
i don't have any friends my own age either so i think i'm stuck on my own.