falling for an AS guy

Post Reply New Topic

I met this guy around three weeks ago. I'm very outgoing and sociable and I noticed he was very shy and I didn't think much of it, because I felt an immediate attraction. Our first date went rather well I thought. We spent two whole days together and I spent the night at his place. We didn't go all the way and I didn't push it. The next time we met up he seemed reluctant for me to spend the night. He told me he liked me so much and that I was beautiful and perfect, but I shouldn't get to attached because he'd end up hurting me. He stared into my eyes for a good hour and always comments on how long and pretty my hair is. He didn't want to be intimate and kept his clothes on while sleeping. He kept telling me how much he liked me and he'd look away and stare at me intensely.

Later on that night he told me he was an Aspie, and Einstein had it, saying he perceived the world differently. I didn't know anything about it and I felt awful. Not because he was an Aspie, but because I may have done something wrong. The next morning I texted him a provocative but innocent message without thinking much about it. He never responded. Today after reading Asperger's in Love, and all of these forums I have a better understanding of how he thinks on a different page.

Does anyone know how I can rebuild this budding relationship? Should I wait a while to call him? Or the best way to approach him again? I really like him and I need some advice. Can anyone offer advice on AS sexuality? I'm still kind of confused after reading all of this. Thanks.

I'm going through the same time with a possible Aspie... I say give it time...it's all you've got...

Email him. Tell him you like him and want to take things slow. Tell him you two should get to know each other. Tell him to tell you to SPEAK HIS MIND and to tell you about asperger's.

slow it down. it takes patience to build a relationship and if you go too fast it might fall apart.

I agree with Learning2Survive.

I would also suggest that you make it clear you are still interested in him despite his AS. He may have said that he will end up hurting you because he was afraid of your reaction in hearing that he is an aspie (I’m only speculating here).

If he is anything like me, he probably doesn't like being rushed into things. Take it slow with him. Get to know him first, before the other stuff. I would suggest the same thing, even if he wasn't an aspie.

I'd suggest that you not get into a habit of asking things like "What are you thinking?" or "How do you feel about that?" or anything that might risk making him feel put on the spot or cornered into having to spontaneously explain himself. I'd suggest just being patient and letting him open up to you on his own and let it build slowly. Let him get used to you being around, and let him let you sink slowly into his life. Don't overwhelm him with too much complicated emotion talk. I think it's good if you were to let him know how you feel though, like telling him things like "I like hanging out with you" or "you're so adorable, i like you a lot", etc, just don't solicit how he feels about you but let him come to you on his own with that. I think the more he's at ease, the better the chances of developing a relationship. Does that make sense?

Wow, Biscuitpaws (very cool name, by the way!)...everything you've said is perfect!

I'm an Aspy, married to an NT for 23 years (more or less since we've divorced/remarried each other twice in 23 years without getting tangled up with anyone else along the way) and could not have put it any better myself.

Well...except to add that it CAN work, Kallen, depending on the specific circumstances, your individual personalities/proclivities (just like all NTs aren't the same, neither are all Aspies!), and you should go with what your heart tells you.

I think that my wife and I have an exceptionally luvvy/lusty relationship even after all that we've been through over the years--and while I sure don't know everything, I'd be happy to "share" with you whatever experiences/thoughts I can as an Aspy married to an NT if you'd ever care to send a message to me via this forum.

Good luck...

I would say he really likes you, but feels uncomfortable with the new sensations... If he keeps inviting you over, that's a good sign. Since he is shy and not likely to initiate anything on his own, you may want to be just a little aggressive (although if he really starts to withdraw, let up on the aggressiveness a bit)...


I don't think you did anything wrong based on what you said here...


One thing to keep in mind: when it comes to love, most aspies have been hurt in the past, and since aspies tend to retain memory a lot longer than NT's do, the hurt will stay with him longer... If this guy you're talking about has been hurt, he may be less likely to trust anyone else in the future. The best thing you can do to win an aspie's heart is to be there for the long-term. Staying at the "going to his house" level you mentioned for a month may not seem like much, but it adds up, and it means a lot to an aspie.

If you have any further questions, send me a PM... one thing I can do well is explain aspie thought patterns to an NT (at least to one that is willing to listen, anyway)...

I agree with you on this, for the most part. The giving compliments thing can be flattering, and a sure way to let him know you like him, but sometimes it can be embarrasing, or uncomfortable if you are too forward.

You don't say how old he is. That could make a difference.
How did you meet? School? Work? Through a friend?

Everybody's different, so it's hard to say what he's thinking. Don't try to read him until you get to know him, and even then, you can't be sure until he puts it into words.

What are his special interests/obsessions/passions? Do you share any of them?

Most Aspies seem to like e-mail if the topic is good (low pressure) and dislike the phone and text messaging (demand an immediate response). If he didn't respond, it might be too soon for that topic. Or it could be an innocent technical glitch. Stuff can get caught in the junk folder or the provider can have problems...

Personally, I need a LOT of alone time. How long has it been since you've heard from him?

He's in his early 20's. We meet through friends. He doe's have a concentrated passion of music..

As with the messaging that's an important point. As an NT, I probably decipher messages differently than him.

The last time I saw him was on Monday morning.. haven't heard from him since. He hasn't responded to my two texts, so I left it alone. How much longer should I give him before re-establishing contact? Do As people need more time to absorb things?

In my experience, I've found some aspies to be particularly over-sensitive (or insensitive?!), and can cut you out...just like that. I'm not saying that he is this way, but be warned.

I think I know why he reacted the way he did. When you spent two days together, it sounds like some physical intimacy took place. (You didn't specify what, and it's hard to figure out from text.) Given how little luck aspie guys have with girls, I'm sure he was happy beyond belief. However, he might also think: "there is no way a girl could be attracted to me". So when things happened between you two, he feels like it was a fluke. As a result, when he told you not to get too attached, it seems like he wanted to "beat you to it", before you had a chance to dump him first (as it happens far too often to aspie guys). Don't take this the wrong way, he never meant to be a jerk; it was his self-defense mechanism kicking in, due to the many bad experiences he might have had in the past. And when you texted him next day, he was probably so shocked by all the female attention he got, he had no clue what to make of it.

How to rebuild the relationship? Make him feel like you're attainable for him. In other words, don't act too "perfect". If you always dress nicely, talk very smoothly to other people, and always seem to know what to do in every situation, it'll make him question why you're even attracted to him in the first place. Because it his mind, there's no way a "perfect" girl like you could like him. While I don't advocate acting awkward on purpose, I do recommend going with him to situations that are outside your comfort zone, just so he can get a chance to see a more down-to-earth side of you. If all he sees is you being "perfect", he won't feel like there's any traits in you that he can relate to.

Also, give him plenty of physical affection, as a regular reminder that you are indeed attracted to him. Anything (for the lack of a better term) between 1st and 2nd base works wonders, that is, if he doesn't have any sensory issues. Use your NT body language reading skills to find out what he likes; it could be full-body hugs, making out, kisses on the neck, kisses on the ear, intimate touching, etc. Basically, anything that's sexual in nature, but can be done fully clothed. In his mind, if you want to do these things, he'll know you're indeed attracted to him, and realize that his worries are unfounded. It doesn't seem like he's comfortable with highly sexual acts, so save those for until you two get more comfortable with each other.

Writing an e-mail is a good idea. It'll give him time to think things out, and send a proper response. You can write something like this: "I had a really nice time with you the past two days, and I hope you did too. I just want to make sure I didn't do anything to make you uncomfortable, and I did, I'm sorry. Anyway, I'd like to get together again sometime next week. Let me know what you think." You're telling him that you enjoyed spending time with him, that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, and that you want to see him again. That should clear up any doubts in his mind, and allow him to enjoy the fact that you're attracted to him, rather than worry about you quickly losing interest. Just make sure to specify a time frame when you say "sometime"; otherwise he might interpret that as leading him on.

The "search" tool on this site works pretty well. You'll find it if you scroll up to the top line. Take it for a test drive with the word, "touch."

Personally, I'm mostly ok with being touched, meaning I can tolerate it gracefully when I want to, so that no one notices. But the more little stressers I have to take, the more alone time I need to get over it.

A lot of Aspies talk about it here. Like a light touch (bad) vs firm (good) vs deep (best). Some complain about being surprised, or that it depends on who. Some complain about control/steering with touch.

Be persistent. If the relationship starts to fall apart towards the beginning, he'll probably see it as his fault. Not knowing what to say or do in such a situation to fix it may lead him to not do anything at all. This was my problem, as soon as I saw anything I thought were signs of disinterest, I started backing out (and learned almost everytime I was just paranoid). Take it slow, but reassure him from time to time, maybe not directly but with the little things you do, such as a smile or well needed hug. Let him know how you feel, since he's unlikely to drag it out of you and you seem to have no problem expressing yourself anyways.

Just tell him what you want and be honest about everything. Worst thing you can do is beating around the bush.

As people already said, aspies can sometimes misinterpret your actions and wrongly assume if you go shopping or cancel a date that it means the relationship is disintegrating. Some become clingy and act openly paranoid while others, with more self respect, start distancing themselves because they think that's what you want. So, some kind of ensurance from time to time is good.