Question for the guys

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I have a question for some of maybe the more self-assured guys who have been dating a while, mainly because I have a scenario I want to run past you in that I'm trying to figure out just what I'm in for.

One of the things I've noticed about myself and society for much of my life actually is that I have a particular look about me. I know what it is, mostly its the way the AS effects my neurology in facial expression as well as what's there to begin with. Pretty much....how should I put this..... I don't look quite as bad as the dark-haired kid on Knockaround Guys but.....I'm funny looking, in kind of a gawky-cute alienish kind of way. Anymore and for a long time now I just don't incorporate that into my sense of who I am - I know myself, I know what I'm about, I've also been on the weights for over a year steady and learning Kali as well as mixed kung-fu mainly because, unlike some other people I know, I don't and likely never get a pass on being thin or not knowing how to fight well; my AS has me looking way too much like a mark.

The question I have it this: self-confidence, posture, none of that really seems to change the fact that I still get people looking like they want to mess with me. I don't worry about mostly, its a joke and they're a joke. At the same time I've definitely seen where its a problem if I'm on a date - mainly that some guy wants to get in their pants, I look like a weak and kindly sort of guy (I'm not projecting anything that's really there internal to myself mind you, its a set in stone kind of thing).

I'm wondering for those of you in my position, who can handle yourselves as well, do I have to worry about the possibility that in dating I'll be physically forced to prove myself on a regular basis? My concern mainly is - I have a good job, I don't need assault charges, I also wouldn't want to be with someone if were at a constant risk of being accosted on my account. I guess that's just it though - is there anyone else here in my position who's been in a long term relationship and who can tell me how that kind of thing has been going for them?

AS effects my neurology in facial expression - I have this too.
'm funny looking, in kind of a gawky-cute alienish kind of way - that's me.

everything else you said is total BS. DONT take your date to BARS or PARTIES - go to civilized places such as coffee shops and so on and nobody will try to fight you.

you are imagining everything you said unless you have actually been punched while with your gf. if you have anxiety about getting into a fight, put the police on your speed dial and call them whenever a situation begins to escalate.

Just forget about it. Do you know what is fun if one of these confrontations actually do occur. Laugh at their advances in their face. Not aggressively, just nonchalant like you just aren't affected similar to how many adults treat the feelings of children. If you don't aggressively posture and just give a whatever kind of laughing it off they'd have to be a real big douche to get physical after that. Better though is: what decent woman wouldn't be turned on by a man who could just chill in that situation, too secure to be bothered, and you would both be laughing afterward at that ape you just encountered together. Way sexier than saying what up bro, let's fight. I'm basing this on experience. If they are on a date with you already they are into a gawky sort, or whatever you called yourself. While they are still a woman and are attracted to secure confidence, they probably don't want to see unnecesary violence between you and another. They probably like your other traits better.

Your concerns about randoms guys assaulting you is most likely your anxiety acting up, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. The truth is, most people will generally want to keep to themselves, and not deliberately seek out conflicts with strangers. What might be a problem is people misinterpreting your normal facial expressions as hostility, but from the way you described things, I don't think that's the case. If you're still concerned, carry a concealed tear gas device or taser (check the laws in your area first) that you can use anytime someone threatens you with assault. I recommend tear gas devices or tasers; that's what the police use while on duty, so they have a more masculine image (as opposed to pepper sprays, which are marketed to women as a self-defense tool).

Remember: always wait for the other person to at least verbally threaten you first. When they do, clearly say: "I do not want any trouble" before taking any action. But when you pull out the device, it must be done very quickly, before the other person takes a swing at you. While at home, practice reaching into your pocket and extending your arm in less than a second. (You don't need a real device for that.) Once you master that skill, go ahead and buy the device, but always always always use it responsibly. More likely than not, knowing that you the device on you ready to use will give you the confidence to avoid being challenged, and you won't need to use it at all.

Here's one preventive measure. Don't make eye contact for longer that a second, or worse, stare when you walk past someone. In some social groups, prolonged eye contact means a challenge for a fight. If you must stare off into space, look slightly upwards (above the human eye level), so no one assumes that you're challenging him. There may be more ways, but I don't know your social situation, so I don't know what else to tell you.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 03 May 2009, 5:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think it's best in these situations to just deal with them as they come, and keep a little spot in the back of your mind that's ready to throw down 100% of the time. If you are not an imposing dude your girl is most likely going to get worked on ALL THE TIME. But more often than not the other dude's intention isn't to end up getting rowdy with you, so there are various ways to deal with these things besides fighting.

With my last girlfriend I was thrust into way more of these situations than I can count, but the total number of fights I got in as a result was 0. I'm pretty good at negotiating these kinds of things, but I think I was lucky as well because there were at least 4-5 instances that may as well have been a coin flip, and somehow it never happened.

I have to agree with your perspective. I have a feeling my most likely aim will be just continue on to black belt, then at least I can control whether I arm-bar someone or get a good submission rather than having to give a dental makeover. The latter is just bad, especially since they're often zeros with nothing to lose anyway.

as aspies we hang up on little obsessions. yours happens to be dating anxiety and getting into a fight/being ready for a bar brawl. you just have to realize that everything you are not in touch with reality and being ready to physically prove yourself on a date is totally irrelevant to your life because it will most likely never happen. i have same problem too, so forgive me for sounding harsh.

Since it already has happened a few times I won't stress the psychoanalysis.

People scoffing at the idea that the OP could be attacked should calm down and pay attention to where he's from. If it's Cleveland Ohio USA, there are some sketchy areas, particularly in this economic slump. I would expect robbery to be a more popular motive than anything else. But basically, let the OP tell you how tough his neighborhood is before you rate his need for preparedness.
I live in and frequent areas where I seldom expect violence. I don't take my GF anywhere dangerous, we stay in mostly. I don't have the look the OP describes either, and I have seldom been targeted by anyone since I left highschool. Avoiding eye contact is a good point, and obviously advancing unarmed combat skills will be helpful, both in readiness for defense and in boosting confidence, which alone can slightly change one's mien.
On the rare occasions I venture into bad neighborhoods, I walk like I own the place, and affect an annoyed or brooding look. These are behaviors that do not suggest a mark.

i live in a rough neighborhood and i have been punched in the face several times, it's really not so bad anyway.
but i have only been punched in the face by people who are crazy, probably on drugs, aggressive nut jobs, no one who would ever make it with a girl will punch you in the face.
but i never stand down to these people, i am aggressive back to them, thats the real reason i get punched in the face, because when these guys are a***holes to me, i call them fuckwits and a***holes and then they come over and punch me in the face and i don't make one move to step away, and i punch them back. so its my own fault. unless someone wants your money, they will not attack you unless you have given them a reason to, so if you don't want to get punched, just keep walking, don't make eye contact with rough looking dudes, and go on your merry way

Understand one thing clearly though, I *don't* class myself as a victim. I don't see myself as someone needing protection. I do know however from experience that when things like this happen, particularly if and when it catches you off guard - it creates all kinds of emotional turmoil in the relationship or at least easily can. True, its helped me realize occasionally that I was with the kind of airhead who'd get me killed just by her own recklessness. Still, I see a mechanic in play where you really have to watch these kinds of things.

Also yes, this kind of thing isn't happening at bookstores, coffee shops, I'm not saying I look *that* bad - probably closer to average but with enough signs of almost genetic kindness in my appearance that these guys see an instant target to work on. My thought as I said before, the better I know how the fight the better I can take them down or just s--- em up without having to cause bodily damage. I'm not afraid of them, more of the law and if I have a look that would keep drawing it - would the look eventually outpace my resolve or my good luck with people recognizing clearly that I wasn't the instigator? That's what I really mean.

Mostly my best conclusion at this point - something I'm already doing - just be careful who you date. If you date a girl who gets squirly, ADDish, and acts almost a bit easy when she's drunk - its the kind of trouble magnet you don't need and someone who's really only right for the guy who likes to get into fights to begin with. I really though like to cross my fingers and think that if a girl has it together that it happens much less often. I much more wildly prefer my girls more grounded anyway, a lot of the stupid stuff comes from bad hookups from friends anyway. At the same time also - I enjoy bars and clubs, maybe not dive bars in industrial areas - those usually are the places where people go to forget who they are and hopefully wake up next to someone they don't remember meeting and again; I've seen where that expressly seems like trouble firsthand.

just a small thought.. i would suggest "thinking" martial arts.. by this i mean think self defence..
so if you are sitting in a bar with a GF etc & someone attacks physically you defend yourself, but otherwise always try to avoid violence.. "hey man, i don't want any trouble" they say in movies
a bit simple& easier said than done i appreciate but this is only my opinion.

Its a good point. I think also just on the continuum of who and what a person is, especially with the kind of manual detailing job that it takes when you have AS - is having customs, practices, and yes - reactions - that fit. My own persistant personality trait is that while I am by all means a nice guy, when someone does think they can dominate or embarass me based on that in some childlike or ape/stone throwing way that I fit some kind of stereotype just because I look a certain way - and that they can walk on me - it sets me on fire the "How f'ing dare you...." goes off in my head immediately. Because of that though my own personal needs push for an assertive response, not aggressive, but one where I do find the need to post their momentum cold. The more I investigate the more I'll find it, I know. I'm also the type though where I'm more than happy to apply as many NT tactics to it as I like, usually above and beyond what a lot of most aspies would by principle (so yes, making another guy blush or shaking him up from making him think I'm even more of a vile and nasty sort than he is - I don't have much internal conflict with that one either).

well it seems you've thought about it far more than me & i still feel the victim in some situations so i perhaps can't fully understand..
on a slight side note, you're clearly very intelligent, it might be worth trying to "beat people down" with words.. like that "how you like them apples?" thing in some movie (i forgot sorry)
Again kinda simple & maybe not so easy at the time.. i'm not that well travelled in life, just like to give opinions i guess..
anyways i wish you well.

Thank you .

I have a feeling you'll be able to sort it out, especially since you have it dead aim - its largely what you don't understand that'll give you the most headache in life. Demistifying things goes a long ways.

I also think that there is a risk with topics like this, one that I'm well aware of is that people will type-cast certain kinds of things on reflex. This kind of thought easily could lend itself to some guy with extreme anxiety and OCD who's barely holding a wreck together and needs a lot of mental help. Knowing myself a little better though I can brush it aside mainly realizing that if people don't know me they don't know me. I do agree though - while its a handy shortcut its not always the best.