Existing research on dating: How it can help us

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Lately I've been curious about things we can do as Aspies to help our chances, given how much trouble we tend to have as a whole when it comes to dating. Because of this, I've done a lot of research into the subject, which you'll find in hyperlinks throughout this post.

The most implicating ones involve things we have a problem with in the first place. One of them was about C-Tactile Nerve Fibers. Aspies as a whole tend to have a common issue when it comes to touch. Research is showing that it's a critical piece to any sort of relationship, between couples, friends, even parents and their kids. That's definitely an area many of us could work on.

Then there's the issue with our gaze. Simply looking at someone and smiling seems to have a major impact in how attractive you're perceived. That is a VERY common Aspie problem, not looking someone in the eyes. The studies had shown in many cases it had as much as an eight-fold impact in how attractive someone appeared.

There was another study that found half of all women selected who they were going to date in less than thirty seconds. The article itself was about the 'best chat-up lines', and it mentioned open ended questions impossible to answer with a simple yes or no were often the most effective. The worst pick-up lines were those which could be answered with a simple yes or no, or were difficult to answer at all, such as "I have a Ph.D. in computing."

Aside from that, it seems that women looking for love want a man to stick around to provide for the kids on a very subconscious level. Because of this, men with average jobs are perceived as more attractive, and the traits women want most are commitment, social skills, and resources.

The biggest problem we have by far is social skills. I've found ways to cope with this. I'm now a member of the Sierra Club, and I've been with a Unitarian Church for a while now. Choir is a big help, and I'm finding that off-the-wall humor is a great way to get along with people. The articles above, particularly those which deal with touch and eye gaze have a greater impact than I realized when it comes to making and keeping friends.

Beyond that, you can take up some sort of 'extroversion talent'. If you can find some way to make yourself comfortable with a performing an artistic talent, it will be a tremendous help. You can also put yourself in better physical shape. That will have two major impacts. One, the extra endorphins will make you feel better. Two, as your body changes shape over time, people will begin to notice the extra muscle.

On a final note, it helps to broaden your interests. One of the easiest ways to do this is to find how new topics relate to the old one, and use that to broaden your interests. Say your interest is in music. You can use that to expand to the material constructions, the psychology behind it, continually branching out until you've covered every interest in existence.

I hope this post helps. I've done a lot of thinking about it given how much of an issue it is for me, and everyone else in this community. I'm following my own advice, and I'll let you know if I have any luck. I welcome any critiques you have.

I'm sure as hell not touch-aversive, at least to the point of the kind of touch one experiences in a relationship... I actually like it...


Well I've been working on my eye contact and it's a lot better than what it was in high school, but still needs some work..


That is the big issue I have... I cannot, no matter how hard I try, feel attracted to a woman based on looks alone (and that's pretty much all to go on in 30 seconds)... I need to know a woman before the feelings start developing...


Define "average job". Is it based on salary (i.e. 50k~75k), or some other "factor" like position in a company?


Yes, social skills can be improved through such activities... Yes, you can make a lot of friends this way... No, it's not going to lead to a girlfriend. Trust me, I've been in one choir or another for 16 years now (basically I grew up in my church's choir program)...


I keep hearing that exercise/endorphins BS, and frankly it's never worked... exercise only served to make me feel worse over time...


Or you could do what I did and join musical theater. I've been a part of a high school/early college musical theater group for the past 5 years (they put on shows during the summer), and the summer after I graduated high school provided the closest to an actual girlfriend I've ever had... That's actually a story in and of itself... Basically I was cast in one role, and this girl was my "wife" in the show... Thing is, because like most aspies, I have a horrible time "pretending" to be something I'm not, I compensate for that by engaging in something resembling an extreme form of method acting, and basically *becoming* the role, even off the set to some extent... Eventually, I found that I was falling for my "wife", and it must have been convincing, since she was actually responding to my advances (the only time that's ever happened)... alas, the show ended before I could actually ask her out... ultimately the real me (that only experiences truly paralyzing fear when poised to ask a woman out) won out over the role... I still love her to this day though, even though I never see her anymore...


Don't get me wrong, even though I may sound brash, yes, it does help... I'm just posting based on my experiences with each part of the post...