How do I tell him we're just friends?

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There's this guy who is really keen on me and wants to take things further and he's assuming things will develop in time. The problem is, I've come to the conclusion that he isn't right for me, at least not for the moment. I like him as a friend but I don't really feel "that way" about him and can't be sure I ever will. I want to tell him this but I'm so afraid of hurting his feelings. Neither of us are good at talking about emotional stuff so would it be best to write it into an email, or would that seem callous? If I tell him face to face he might get really embarrassed or upset and I don't know how I'd handle that. On the other hand I want to treat his feelings with respect. I just don't know how to put it into words and how to approach it. Any advice welcome!

Just to add that this guy is my friend and we've been friends for 3 years - I really don't want to lose his friendship because of this. Not seeing him ever again isn't an option which is why I'm so worried about hurting him.

I think the onus is on you to make a decision, either you want him, or dont. No ifs or but. Because saying something like "maybe in the long run" is giving him false hope. If you are absolutely sure that nothing is bound to happen between the two of you, Make sure you make that abundantly clear. As with my experience with people is they dont seem to "get the message" or dont want to.

Now saying something like this in real life is obviously going to hurt his feelings, regardless of how nice you are and you might not come across as you intended. Phoning him when you are sure he is at home would be good. You could even write down the things you wish to say to him ( remaining being friends ect) I think an email would be best, or if you want to be touching, perhaps a letter. Good luck!

when he next crosses the friendship boundary, by doing something that you find uncomfortable, just say
"dont do that please it makes me uncomfortable"

thats all you need to do.

His feelings are his responsiblity not yours.

You cant control his feelings, he can feel what he does, so you have to let go of the idea that you can make him not have romantic feelings for you.

try and think about being ok with being friends with someone who likes you romantically but keep firm boundaries (eg touching etc)

Lotusblossom has, as usual said some good stuff, but just as an addendum:

Dear GOD, DON'T do any of this by e-mail. That is incredibly insulting to him.

Tell him "No offence but I like you as a friend." It'll make things clear without being mean or insulting.

tell him that you two are not romantically or sexually compatible and that you don't feel attracted to him at all. he can make his own decision as to be friends with you or not, but honestly, though, tell him if he does not understand the word NO your friendship is over. tell him to stop flirting, stop giving you compliments, and tell him not to touch you. tell him that things will NOT develop over time and that he should stop trying. put yourself FIRST, then your friends. cause you deserve better.

Tell it to him straight, and accept that its going to hurt no matter how you say it, I've had to do that once and I really didn't like being in that situation, and yes she was hurt but she got over it and we're still good friends

If you don't want to be with him, just tell him straight up (instead of leading him on for some time) like others on this thread have said... However, I must stress that if you say that you want to remain friends, that you don't just ignore him after that. There's nothing more degrading than to hear "just friends", followed by nothing... if you actually want to remain friends, then it's fine, but otherwise, just tell him that you don't want to really stay around him anymore...

Thanks guys, it's given me a better idea on how to handle this. I was going to tell him this weekend but he can't come over now. I think it would be best to tell him face to face really. I won't ignore him afterwards - his friendship is really important to me. I feel a sense of peace inside myself now that I've made the decision to tell him, so I think that is telling me I'm doing the right thing.

Redplanet, there is really no graceful way of doing this. No matter what approach you take, you're going to upset him. The only thing you can control is how you tell him. Like others told you, take the high road: tell him face-to-face, as honestly as you can. But remember that it'll have to be the famous "let's just be friends" statement that he won't be pleased with. After all, he likes you romantically, and wants to date you. You, on the other hand, are going to (in his mind) put him into the friend zone. Be clear that there is absolutely no chance of any romantic relationship ever happening between you two. If he's willing to accept the agreement and the boundaries that come with it, it might turn out to be a great friendship. However, if that's now what he wants, then unfortunately, the friendship might not work out in the long run. Not stating that as a fact, but there is such a possibility.

Women and their guy friends...When are women gonna learn?


You should definitely be honest with him about it, but sometimes guys just don't get it, so if that's the case you need to be blunt. By the way, if he likes you now, he probably had a thing for you when he first started hanging out with you.

I think this is how this story goes:
Her: "I'm too naive to realize you like me"
Him: "I will hang out with her as "friends" for awhile, then hopefully she will change her mind about me"

That what I was thinking, I always see zillions of such stories and it's almost always the girl is not attracted to the guy and she doesn't want to hurt him.

Zillions of cases, same story.

I personally have little faith in the so-called friendship between opposite genders, the only successful TRUE friendships I witnessed between a girl and a guy are usually childhood friendships (and even those might face awkward romantic moments but it can still survive such attempt fails) , otherwise it ends up like this one.

Another thing I noticed about the 'friendships between girls and guys (excluding the childhood friendships) is that their friendships are usually very limited, meaning that the guy doesn't have equal privileges to his female friend's girlfriends: He won't know all the secrets like her female friends do, he won't be invited to her activities (and no,I am not talking about the girly activities).

I blame mainly the guy for it because he is the one who usually choose that approach since the first beginning in hoping to get the girl as gf , even if there was zero sign of attraction from her. It's a big mistake and stupid plan and it's usually humiliating because the girl will know sooner or later even if he doesn't say anything and she might use this for her benefit , if there was no initial attraction since the beginning then nothing serious would happen.


Mainly, he is only summoned when he's needed.

I've been, or am in the same spot as the guy who likes you i guess.
There is this girl i like, but was rejected.
We had known each other for 3 years almost.
Still do like her, and she knows it, but we are still able to talk perfectly normaly.

What you should do to make him understand is tell him. The longer you drag it out, the higher hopes he might get in the end.
Of course, after telling him you only see him as a friend, he will have to understand that.

What i did was understand that the girl i like didn't like me the same way, it was painfull of course, cause i almost never fall in love, almost 20 and only happend 3 times.



You should tell him over e-mail.
If you did it in school, he will only get upset, and would most likely behave very weird and stuff.
If you would tell him on a friday after school, he would have the weekend to chew your response and maybe be able to talk normaly after the weekend ends.

I agree, tell him in person. But also after you have "the talk" don't do anything with him that can be mistaken for romantic feelings. Hand holding, massages, laying together, ect..

I disagree with saying it directly to him.
What if you would say it directly to him, in first class, Oh right, as if he will be feeling happy and able to participate in every other class that day. And if he really loves/likes or whatever that girl, i am sure he will also cry.
I dont think it's a good idea tp put him through that in school.
saying it when a vacation starts, or a weekend is better imo, he will have had time to be alone and have his thoughts for himself and stuff.

As for the stuff about not doing anything romantic like. hmmm.
Deppends on what kinda guy he is, if he knows they are just friends and dosnt get a wrong idea, it's ok imo

Look up I was in the gender reversed version.

I have several good female friendships, only one has had any romance related trouble and we're still great friends.

Actually I felt that way too with one of my friends, but it turns out I was wrong and she told me more than anyone else its just the mind playing tricks: you know what she's not telling you but you don't know what she's not telling other people.