What to do in this situation ?

Post Reply New Topic

Ok so I guess I will start off by saying that I never had a girlfriend and have not had a friend (by that I mean someone who I would hangout with outside of school or social situation where they are already there and I haven't invited them or they haven't invited me)who was a girl since i was 4. Obviously i would not be writing here if i didn't want that to change. I am pretty shy and need to get comfortable around people to open up a little and this like 10 times worst when it comes to girls. I definitely think the first step would be to make friends with some girls to become more comfortable. As far as i can tell in the 2 years that i have been in university for , 3 girls tried to come talk to me and that is the only ones that i could say probably had some some sort of interest in me. (one of em i had to spend a week with cause my friend invited her along for a skiing trip and she apparently loved me because she told me she didn't love me anymore one day, anyways i would of never been able to maintain a relationship with that type of person because she is the type of person that needs constant attention and is very annoying , needless to say i was completely drained after a week spent with her).

Anyways this bring me to the main point of this thread what to do when girls approach you. If we ignore the one that was mentioned above i have had 2 experiences that i assume were girls coming to talk to me.
The first was a girl that seemed very shy because she sat in the front row of class and never talked to anybody but i think she looked at me a few times , anyways one day when class was over she walked completely out of her path to the exit of the class and came to stand in near me and stayed there for a few seconds looking like it was really awkward for her. I looked at her and it was very awkward didn't say anything and eventually she just left. That night I decided I would go talk to her the next day (I don't know if i would of really had the guts ) but she did not show up for the last 2 classes and I never saw her after that.

The second girl (and if i was mistaking for the first girl having any sort of interest I think I can be fairly sure this one had some sort of interest in talking to me even if it was to use me or something else negative). This girl was very cute and seemed very nice and a little different (which i think is a quality). Anyways i think she smiled at me a few times and i looked at her a few times (avoiding any kind of eye contact of course). But one day she comes and sits beside me and starts kicking my foot for 5 minutes. I pretended to be focused in taking notes and didn't even manage to say anything not even hi or look at her at all. It was a really awkward situation for me because I have to get comfortable around people and someone I don't know at all coming to kick makes me highly uncomfortable (if she would just said hi or something i think it would of been a lot less awkward). Anyways i didn't even manage to turn my head 90 degrees even once to look at her that class. So obliviously after something like that she never tried to talk to me again (i don't blame her one bit). For a long time i have felt really bad about this situation and even thought i knew it was because i was shy i still thought that i acted like a total jerk. And since learning about AS (i highly suspect i have it for a lot more than just my shyness) feel a little less like a total jerk since in a way it wouldn't really be my fault. On the bright side of things I am sure she has too many friends and guys hitting on her that it really did not impact her life one bit (still feel bad tho). Also im wondering if i would of talked to her if it wouldn't of just ended like any other conversation i have with girls (doesn't last too long because of the social awkwardness)

Ok so if you actually read all this (congratulations that must of been long) you can see that my main problem is that i am way too shy and wouldn't be able to start a conversation with a women if my life depended on it. So i was wondering if anyone had any tips to start and maintain a conversation long enough so that i don't give off that "awkward negative vibe" and they lose interest right away. Little side note: After writing all that about 2 very small situations i realize how easily I could write a book about my life.

I've never met you so its kinda hard to know where to start. Saying that, its going to fall on you to figure it out. You need to take a careful (but never condemning) look at yourself and figure out what you need to improve *not* to seem awkward. Tricks and avoidances are only going to delay the work you need to do to accomplish your goals. You've stated eye contact as an issue. It is an issue. It must be conquered. Not to say that you must look people in the eyes all the time, but at some point in a conversation if you can't muster at least 5 seconds of direct eye contact they will be turned off. It may take you five years to get the hang of this. All the more reason to start now. Consider your appearance. Are your clothes suitable? Really, you probably dont know what is suitable. Find a sympathetic girl (sister/cousin/anyone non-mother) thats willing to go shopping with you and will help you pick out what looks good. Consider your posture. What is it projecting? Consider your speech patterns. Do you talk too quickly or too slowly? Too loudly or too softly? Do you enunciate well? All this things are crucial.

So there's about five years of homework, have at it

First, thanks for your post, TheDuck. I don't know if I can suggest a whole lot, since I have many of the same struggles. But I can tell you some of the things I have tried to do. One nice thing about being at a university is that you automatically have some things in common with anyone you talk to--

-- That [meaning the lecture you just heard] was really interesting/confusing. What did you think about it?
-- What's your favorite class?
-- What are you studying/What's your major?
-- Where are you from?

If the person answers one of these questions, try to make a friendly comment about their answer before talking about yourself; that will show you are interested in learning about the other person.

And before you are done talking, say "It's nice to meet you. My name is [NAME]. I'm sorry, but I'm terrible at remembering names-- could you tell me yours again?"

(I worded it that way because I really am bad at remembering names and linking them to the right people. You actually don't need to apologize unless you know they told you their name at some point in the past and you forgot. It seems that at least 95% of the time, if you do this, the other person will say they are bad with names too.)

I have no idea if this is helpful or not. I'm sort of thinking out loud.


Bullwinkle, I have kind of wondered how I come across to other people-- if I have mannerisms of speech or posture that turn people off. I know what I _think_ I look like, but that doesn't mean I actually look that way-- sort of like how I can picture myself throwing a football using the proper stance, but I'm not coordinated enough to do it for real.

I'm a little dismayed if the "sympathetic girl" you mentioned needs to not be my mother. I don't have any sisters, and my only female cousin is just a little girl!

Join something.
Anything at all.
A group related to academics.
A fundraiser project.
Volunteer.
Anything.