Friendship possibly ending; very sad.

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There is another woman I have been friends with for the past few years. She lives near me in the same apartment complex. For the past few weeks every time I have called her she has been short with me on the phone. I have invited her to go on outings with me and she has rudely refused and made lame excuses. We used to hang out all the time and she used to invite me to do things with her. I sent her an e-mail today explaining that I was hurt by the way she has been behaving lately. I left her a message saying that there were some things that were bothering me and that I would like to talk to her about it at a time that was good for her. She knows about me being on the autism spectrum and has, up to this point, been understanding toward me. This just doesn't make sense, as she is not the kind of person to hold grudges or not to say what is on her mind. She knows I don't read nonverbal cues very well and is aware that I need to be told things directly. I just don't know what to do. I told her that if she didn't want to hang out with me anymore to let me know and I would leave her alone. I don't have time to play guessing games. Life is just too short. But I'm sad anyway . It is the worst when I think someone is my friend and for no good reason they turn against me. I just don't know what to do.

First if she is truly a friend then she will admit her faults and failings and try to act accordingly.

If not, forgive her and just continue being friends, there is more to life then constantly complaining about this small thing.

You can't force somebody to be your friend; if they don't return your calls or messages, it's time to move on. I had a friend who is borderline AS/NT. He betrayed me and I ended up losing my job over his betrayal. Our mutual friends/aquaintances stopped hanging out with me and returning my calls. I have never felt so abandoned. Eventually I stopped trying even though it killed me to do so. One friend ended up contacting me and apologizing for her actions but the others no longer care. My friend with AS can't acknowledge that he hurt my feelings and can't admit to doing anything wrong. It broke my heart hearing him that he wasn't sorry and I am still trying to get over it. He also said that he never considered me his friend which tore me apart.

I am sorry to hear that this woman is avoiding you especially since she knows about you being on the autism spectrum. I can't speak on behalf of those who have AS but I do know what it's like to lose close friends.

Did she write back yet?

You know, that's strange if she's been avoiding you out of sudden. I know one of my friends doing exactly that. But that was when the friend had her own personal problems to deal with and which she didn't want to entrust on anyone. (She did later.)

Are you sure - eg. did she say it or do you think you spotted a cue like that - that she's trying to you on purpose? Do you have any idea what she's like to other people right now? I'm asking because, just maybe, she's really bothered by something that has nothing to do with you, but at the same time, she feels like she can't deal with this and thus abandons her social contacts.

Uh, I hope you'll receive a positive answer via email. Maybe it's got nothing to do with you after all.

I'm sorry to hear that you seem to have lost this friend. It is hard when people don't take the time to let you know they don't want to hang out, but prefer to take the route of just ignoring you figuring that over time, you'll get the hint. I've had this happen to me, pre-AS diagnosis. Now that I have the knowledge that I have mild AS symptoms, I can be aware of the fact that when friends drop me for some unapparent reason to me, that it is probably my AS. It is bewildering though; why would people just do that? I'll never understand it. For me, I put a lot into my friendships, then just when I think things are going well, that's when I'm surprised that they've suddenly ended. It seems to me just like it seems to you, that it is for no apparent reason.

When this happens, it is painful. Please don't let it bother you so much that you don't try again. Obviously this woman neighbor is not going to be friends with you any more...it's hard to accept.

Best to you.

Hello autisticstar,

A shame you do not hear from her. Maybe she is busy with other things, like a new relation or something?

I had this problem with some friends of mine on different occasions.

One took a time before he contacted me again, he was busy with a new job and a new school; we decided to have a drink on it and see a good film. Now we are visiting each other regularly again.

But other friends I sent a message or called, but never heard from again. I let them disappear from my life. It is a bit difficult forgetting someone, but after a while my habits were changed enough and going back to them would be even worse.

This sounds almost exactly like what happenned to me a few months ago. I had a friend who had been really kind - one of the nicest people Id ever met. Who had been there for me when I was ill and often invited me to things. Then she started to make excuses all the time that she was busy (OK so she was busy with work, but not too busy to see other people), stopped inviting me to things and when we were together acted strangely towards me. After several months that were difficult for me (but I did try to act as though nothing was happening) I sent her a similar email as you sent your friend. After that she ignored me for several days and a while later shouted at me telling me that I was too possessive, that there was somthing wrong with me, that she wanted to be free of me and that our friendship ending was all my fault (just because I sent the email - I did nothing more). And since then she has ignored me.

I am afraid that I dont actually know how to help you. I know how terrible it feels, but if I were to go back a few months I would honestly not know how to do things differently. Maybe sending the email was wrong, but I couldnt just let our friendship drift away into nothingness, not when I have so few friends and it was really upsetting me. To me, at least an argument means that I can find out what she really thinks instead of having to guess things. But it is horrible (I still have to see her at least once a week even though she doesnt talk to me) and it is completely perplexing. I dont understand this friend drifting away thing - if I am friends with someone it continues. I understand even less why she should accuse me of possessiveness etc when all I wanted was things to continue the same as before - and beforehand she had been saying how great our friendship was and how nice it was to have someone to tell things to - it was never me who said these type of things. The only way I have been able to accept it is to think that basically she is no longer the really kind gentle person that she was before, but that she has changed into a more aggressive, more confident person who now believes she has no need of a depressive unconfident friend - even though before she was quite similar to me in that way. I also think she may feel guilty because she was doing things that she knew I would have loved to do but didnt want to invite me, and is now blaming me for her guilt, when really it is nothing to do with me.

Anyway, what I did find, was that when it was finally all over, I felt a lot better - so I had only one good friend left and it was (and is) still difficult to see her, but the rest of the time I generally spend alone and realise that I am perhaps happier in a way than I was when I had her as a friend. I was always a bit nervous around her, trying to do the right thing, trying to be as kind to her as she was to me. I really cared about her and thought she cared about me even more as she was so nice, but obviously she found it easy to act like that and didnt actually care and whats more disliked me caring about her that much. Now I feel a lot more free without the weight of this care around my neck. I can be myself, alone and dont have to worry about doing the wrong thing.

I know this isnt that helpful, but at least you know that there are others in the same position. I hope that things dont end up badly between you and your friend.

Maybe she is having personal problems of her own. I would back off from contacting her. You can smile and say 'hi' if you see her out in the hall, but don't try to make plans with her until she returns to a state of being friendly towards you. She should actually be the first person to initiate plans since you have tried so hard recently.

I have a hard time keeping female friends. It seems to go in cycles. I'll have a friend for a few years and then it dissolves. Currently, I have no real close friends. I'm an NT female, but I have a hard time figuring out other women.

look i don't know what to say right now but i'm very tired and very cranky.

Hugs! That's always rough.

Probably a good idea just to hold off for now.

Something keep in mind:

It seems NT's, even if they understand you miss stuff and act weird because of reasons beyond control, are really sensitive to how they look if they hang out with you. They may feel embarrassed by stuff you can't control. It's aggravating - even if comments people make about your actions doesn't bother you, it might bother them.

Most likely she's having her own RL stuff right now, and simply can't balance the way she feels.

Friendship is priceless, but you shouldn't accept any price for it.