AS and being gay

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I've recently been diagnosed with having mild AS, which has helped, because it explains a lot about the problems I have had with keeping friends once I make them. For the past two years, I've been in a same sex relationship with a woman whom I live with. She's NT, but I believe has some AS traits (her father has AS traits and was just recently told so by a psychologist) and at times, we have some real struggles with communication and issues with affection. I've had a hard time connecting with the gay community in my small city, despite my work to help the community (I started a non-profit that failed miserably, because I didn't know I had AS and was having trouble connecting with Board members and others involved - though I was able to fake it while running support groups.) So right now, my partner and myself are trying to figure things out in light of this new development of being diagnosed with AS. I don't believe we are having problems enough to end our relationship, which is a good thing. I'm just ready to have things calm down...and to learn how to keep friends. I don't have a problem meeting people, since I guess I'm able to fake NT skills to a degree, but then, if something stressful happens, I'm on a sinking ship.

Having AS and being gay has subtle nuances that having AS and being straight doesn't have, so is anyone else in this forum in the same boat? If so, I'd love to talk to you.

Thanks for reading.

Gay Aspie male here.

I'm also in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have struggled with the issues of intimacy and interaction that my AS has brought about. I was only diagnosed a couple of months ago, about 6 years into our relationship. It was kind of a relief for both of us, in that there was a concrete reason for those issues. It had been especially hard on him always wondering if I was pulling away from him, cheating, etc. Of course, I'm not using my AS as an excuse, and I'm always working at being more responsive.

Best wishes for you and your partner!

Thanks for your reply. My partner and I have had issues with communication and intimacy as well, sometimes she tells me that she feels distant from me. Since you've been diagnosed only a few months ago, are you and your partner doing any specific things to help with the issues you've been facing together? I appreciate the input.

We haven't really been doing anything specific. I'm sure as time goes on we'll have some discussions, but he's been marvelously understanding about the situation so far. I'm also going through a really rough time at work these days, so I think he might not want to bring up other issues while that's going on (and I think he appreciates me venting about my work problems, because it's the most expressive I've been about anything in a while).

I'm sorry to hear about your work issues...I've been there. I hope it gets better for you.

What area of the country do you and your partner live in? I'm in New York State...in Upstate NY and we don't have a lot of local services or supports.

I think it's great that the two of you are both dealing with the issue of communication in your relationships.

No matter what type of relationship it is, communication seems to me to be the most difficult aspect to deal with in general.
Having that awareness is a great place to start from.

I hope you all are able to work through any issues with your partners.

Thanks ... I'm hoping to talk with my immediate supervisor, maybe as early as tomorrow, about some of the issues.

We're in NYC. No shortage of resources for The Gays here, although I'm not very involved with the community because, being coupled, socially phobic and seven-plus years sober, I haven't much felt the need to go out to the clubs, and I'm not much of a "joiner" either. I lived in Philadelphia before I moved here and participated in some things (gay softball, a group for gays in my profession), but haven't really connected with any groups or scenes here yet.

wsmac: thanks also for the encouraging words!

Good luck with talking to your supervisor. I've had similar type situations with work before. It can be difficult.

I'm the same way...I've been involved with group things, but find that I don't have a lot of successes in that type of thing. I had this idea a little over a year ago to start a non-profit here in Ithaca serving gay people, which started and we got our non-profit status, but since I was running it, it did not go well. It was actually a fiasco...that's how I discovered even more clearly that I had a problem, whereas prior to that, I just suspected something. I wish I had known years ago though.

Please let me know how it went with your supervisor...I hope it has gone well.

Best,
Sara

I know how you feel regarding the idea of participating in groups. Every time I've gotten involved in something beyond the level of simple participation, it's gone badly. I ran for secretary of a gay softball league that I was involved with and actually got elected. At the second meeting of the executive committee, a huge fight broke out between the commissioner and the assistant commissioner. It just went on and on, and I don't even remember what the issue was, but it was petty. I ended up just leaving the meeting and letting them fight it out, but I felt like I should have been able to do something or say something that would have brought them back into line. One of my most prevalent aspie traits is being completely unable to deal with conflict or confrontation.

I sometimes feel an impulse to get involved with something I care about, but I'm always fearful that personality conflicts or frustration with others' style or agenda will drive me out.

How is living in Ithaca, aside from those issues you've described? I visited there a few times with my family when I was a kid (I grew up outside Rochester) and seem to recall it being rather lovely around there, with the lake and the gorges and waterfalls and a kind of cute downtown area. Although I like living in the big city, I have a soft spot for college towns (one of my AS obsessions is colleges and universities) so always enjoy visiting them.

On the other thing ... I did talk with my supervisor the other day. She sounded very sympathetic (and was very surprised when I disclosed my Asperger's; I do "pass" pretty well) and said she'd take my concerns to her boss and our department's HR rep. Supposedly I'm going to hear from the HR rep, though I haven't yet. As with your experience, it was this new job assignment that brought my AS to the forefront and led me to seek a diagnosis. In the past, I'd been aware of certain tendencies in myself but figured they were just personality quirks. The new assignment really threw some of those things into sharp focus.

I'm glad the meeting with your supervisor went well....and I hope things continue to get better for you on the work front.

You asked about Ithaca...it's a nice little city overall, but I have had most of my issues socially here, so right at this point, it isn't my favorite place to be, which is disappointing. Since starting and having to end the non-profit serving GLBT people (I was the founder and main supporter financially), I have become not very well liked in the community. Some it has to do with AS...something that I suspected, but until the organization folded in July, it wasn't very clear to me. I moved to Ithaca in 1993 the first time, having grown up in Elmira, which is close by and spend a lot of time here in college, so moving here after graduating in 1993 was something that I wanted to do. I moved away in 1995 to the DC area where I lived for seven years and moved back to Ithaca in 2002, simply because I missed the area and the people. It's really a mixed bag. I do love the landscape of the area and certainly enjoy walking around Cornell University's campus. My partner and I are considering moving to the DC area in a little over a year (to be close enough to her son who will be graduating from high school until he gets settled more) and then, hopefully a couple of years later, we'll move to Portland, Oregon. (I love the West Coast, having visited for the first time - Seattle area - last year.) Mostly we're moving because of my job prospects. I'm trying to get licensed as a mental health therapist, which is a bit difficult here.

Mostly, I find Ithaca to be a lonely place... it's hard to fit into the non-GLBT community and hard to fit into the GLBT community with AS (at least that's what I've found with lesbians...I've always had good luck with friendships with gay men, but they are few and far between here these days.)

It's great talking to you...I appreciate your candidness.

Read Songs of a Gorilla Nation: My Journey Through Autism by Dawn Prince-Hughes. She has Aspergers (probably more severe then you, but still very relatable) and is also gay. I don't know what to say other then that, as I don't have too much experience. My sister's gay, but I don't think it will help your situation to talk about her, as it way too sickening happy - not that I'm mad, just frustrating because I want a happy ending too.

Ebec11,

Thank you for the book suggestion...I will certainly check it out! I'm fervently reading up on the subject of AS and so, all suggestions are helpful.

If you'd like to share about your sister who is gay, that would be great, even if she doesn't have AS.

Best,
Sara

Ithaca -- Sorry to hear your current hometown isn't working so well. Hope the move makes things better, and I hope you're able to get out to the west coast. I liked Seattle quite a lot when I visited, and although I've never been to Portland, I've heard nothing but good about it. Best of luck with your professional goals too!

oh i think i know what you mean about not connecting well with the gay community in a small city. I live in a hole in the middle of nowhere (not literally, but it sure feels like it). sometimes i wish i was either one or the other ... being both is stressful. it's a small town to begin with...the aspie portion is even smaller and the gay portion is even smaller and the gay aspie portion is even smaller...as far as i know i'm the only one!

but i wish the best for you

Alaspi,

Thanks for writing about your experience where you live...I can relate (as you've read from my writing) when you say that the gay aspie community is even smaller. I think though, from my experience, that straight people are more accepting of someone being aspie than a GLBT person accepting an aspie. To me, that doesn't seem very logical, since one oppressed part of society should, in my mind, be accepting of all oppressed people, but it just isn't the case. I mean, it's not completely easy being aspie with the straight community (who aren't aspie), but it is easier than in the gay non-aspie community.

I wish you the best too!

yes, you bring up a good point and I've been thinking about why maybe straight people seem more accepting of aspies and I think it might be because there are more straight people to encounter on a day to day basis, there might be a greater probability of experiencing a higher rate of acceptance within the straight community than when around the small GLBT sample size.

or

the way straight people vs. GLBT people see aspies might affect it. If a straight person sees being aspie as a medical condition/disability and sees being GLBT as just a choice than the pressure put on the GLBT people is greater than that put on aspies which might make GLBT people more vulnerable and hesitant around anyone - aspies included.

I dont know. This is just speculation. but it is an interesting thing to think about.