Help! Mother died.

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My mother died.

She was elderly and had been ill, but it was looking like she might eventually make a recovery. Nevertheless, it seemed very sudden to happen when it did.

I am expecting a lot of "I'm sorry" and so forth and I'm not sure what the proper response is. Also, is there anything else I need to know about how to behave around other people? I suspect my father is an aspie too, so looking to him for cues might not be as helpful as you might think.

I think we will be fine with our own feelings, but I'm really just not sure how to interact with others. If I can at least have canned responses to "I'm sorry" and "is there anything I can do?" that would not seem strange that would help. I just do not want to feel awkward dealing with everyone.

There will not be a service. We expect to have to talk to relatives and friends (mostly by phone).

We are not religious.

Thanks for any advice.

When a loved one died, I just simply said "Thank you" when they expressed their sorrow and "No thank you" if they asked if they could help.

They might ask if they could donate money to a cause, so if she was a cat lover, you could suggest the local cats home or something.

I think its a bit like when people ask to meet for coffee, they are being polite, so if you really do need more than to be left alone to grieve then I am not sure they will help anyway unless it is with something very small like a lift to the service or something.

BIG HUGS to you and your family. Take comfort that she was elderly and had been ill. I hope she died peacefully. Remember she will be with you in spirit.
Can't really help with how you should act tho. When my Mum died I was a mess, total opposite to how I am usually. But accept offers of help. Take time to grieve and don't rush yourself. Allow yourself to cry! I hardly did that and I regretted it for a while.
RIP for your Mum.

Thanks. Yup, she died peacefully. And without pain, which was a big deal for her. I wonder if I should mention that to people.

The "good thing" about a death is that noone really knows what to say/do. If you think it will comfort someone, then do say that she died peacefully and without pain. That's a nice thing, all things considered.

Don't be surprised if someone you never met comes to share some anecdote with you. Just keep saying thank you over and over. People may bring you food - it's an old custom. Again, just say thanks. They are trying to be helpful. If there is something that you need, like Aunt Mabel suddenly is insisting on a visit and you don't want to get her at the airport, feel free to ask someone else to do it for you.

Try to be polite and reasonable, but you basically get a free pass on goofy/odd behavior for the next month.

If your mother was active in some community, well regarded in town, or something of that sort, you may want to have a small memorial in a local gathering place. If people start asking about when the service is, that's how you know you may need to have one. When my grandmother died (also not religious) we held a very secular memorial at the unitarian church just so that townsfolk could come and have the ceremony that they needed. There was maybe 30 people there, we did it about a month after, and it didn't cost much. ($500?) It was nice. The minister interviewed us and was able to put together a nice biography. He said some nice things about death in general and then people were invited to share a remembrance. Some out of town folks who had known her 20+ years ago came, which was really surprising. It lasted an hour and the attendees seemed happy to have some ceremony.

Don't be surprised if you have some sudden realization that thing X won't involve your mother. I've had that happen even two years after a death and it's like a shock of grief that can hit you.

Best wishes to you and your family,
Anne

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I also wouldn't really know what to say if I were in your situation, so I can't really help you there. I just wanted to express my condolences.

My condolences.

I am no etiquette expert and the following are based on my own experiences having lost many of my own older generation recently.

In a strange way, in offering condolences to you, the folks at the wake/funeral/memorial service are also seeking a bit of condolence and acknowledgment from you. When they approach you, it will be your "job" if you will, to make them feel comfortable and accepted at the gathering.

I think that you can expect most folks attending the funeral/gathering to offer their sympathies and/or offer to help.

How you respond to such offers really depends on how they are offered.

Offers of sympathies are easiest.

A simple acknowledgment (Thank you, I know Mom would have been happy to know you came. - or - Thank you so much for being here - it means a great deal to me and I know Mom really loved you. -or- some combination thereof) and a nod of the head, a handshake or hug (depending on your relationship with the person) usually suffices to place folks at ease and make their presence there accepted. Typically the person will take that as sufficient acknowledgment of their offer and presence and move on.

However, in the cases where the person is close to either you or your mother and they do not immediately walk off upon your thank you, then perhaps you may wish to convey a few more details as to her failing health and painless passing. You may also note that their lives, having been shared with your mother, have also been irrevocably altered. For example, if she engaged in some regular activity with someone, you could say "I know playing bridge with you brought Mom great joy and playing without Mom will be difficult for you -or- I know talking on the phone with you every Friday was the highlight of Mom's week". This let's them know that you acknowledge their special status as a close friend or particularly loved relative and reinforces that position at the gathering.

Offers of help are a bit trickier.

You need to be able to tell if the person is saying this because they feel awkward and simply don't know what else to say, or if they genuinely mean it.
Typically, if the person is not a close friend or relative, it is simple social niceness.
Regardless, I would simply say:
"Thank you very much for being here, and it is so kind of you to offer to help. If the situation arises, I will certainly keep your offer in mind" or some such worded phrase.

If the person is a close family friend and or close relative and you really do mean to take them up on their offer, you can verify their intent by upon finishing the above phrase adding:
"I may need to take you up on that offer, can I talk to you in a little while?"
Their reaction should tell you whether they really meant what they said or not.
If you decide that they did not mean the offer, simply let them off the hook by a little while later telling them:
"It turns out we were able to take care of the situation without your help after all, but thanks again so much for your offer, it meant a lot to me/my family"
If they seem sincere in the offer then you can go ahead and explain to them what you need done or how they can help.

Please note that these "stock" phrases will get you through the majority of encounters but not all. I hope having these as a reference will help in your preparation in some small way.

Again, my sincere condolences on your Mom's passing.

My thoughts are with you.

To the "I'm sorry."'s:

"Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it."

To the "Is there anything I can do?"'s:

"Thanks so much, I will keep that in mind."

Worked for me when I lost my grandmother.

That's awful. Sorry for your loss.

Just had a funeral myself (girlfriends father). The most important thing to remember is it is YOUR mother and together with your father YOU are the ones who share the grief. No one really knows what to say and no one expects you to. Just to mumble a thank you should be enough for anyone. The best for you is to make it in some way personal. We were joking a little about some of Bart's (her father) habits with colleages because he was so similar at work and at home. In a situation like this most people will forgive you almost anything (just don't jump on the table to sing drinking songs).

Sorry to hear about it. Even normally well versed people seem to get flustered when the subject of death comes up. This means that even if you say something "strange", people will say " Oh, he'she just lost their _____, they're lost in grief." and leave it at that. So don't worry about what to say. When I lost my dad, everyone said they were sorry--- as if they had done something to make him die or something. I told them thanks and they pretty much left it at that because death is an uncomfortable subject for most people.
In my line of work, I see many people who eventually die--- everyone handles it differently, which leads me to assume that there is no one right way to handle it... and that everyone gets mumbly and looks down and no one wants to say much about it. Death gets people flustered.

My father died last week. I wrote a bunch about it.
Some excerpts:
"(this is private 'press release' I came up with, for my inner circle of people)-
Just that my father died today.
No, you don't need to say obligatory things.
Just that it happened (and I've mentioned my issues with him to you before), and that's how this category of my life is going."
"I've mixed feelings/reactions/thoughts about it. My life goes on pretty much how it has been-which is healthy response for me (what is "healthy" depends on the individual in question)."
"Situation is many things, all at once-not just this or that."
"Biggest reason I brought it up was technically, this qualifies as official Significant Life Event-therefore, my brain reminds me that when those occur, the next logical step (what I've learned that others do) is to inform the people in my life."
"I did "pre-mourn" for my father, throughout my life-even as a kid, I remember thinking of him & feeling sad for him (not just for me) & crying about that."
"It was like he was already gone for the most part, when he died-he'd shifted to someone from my past, rather than being part of my present."

I have an idea what you're going through. I'm sorry about what happened. My aunt died, two and a half weeks, ago. She was my dad's sister. I was having a terrible time in the beginning, but time has healed things, for the most part. The thing that made it so hard for me, was the fact that she passed away, the night that a part of my threesome was on flight, to his vacation. I've kept thinking about how typical it was, for her to die, the night that he left, because she betrayed my family in many other ways. Looking back at all this, I can now see, that it was just a coincidence. I was really close to her, when she was younger. My whole family was closer to her, back than. My aunt was sick, for a very long time. She didn't take very good care of herself, when she was younger, and she had anorexia, as well. She also had one of the worse cases of her type of arthritis, in the world. She was in a lot of pain. I know that she's in a better place, and that she's now at peace. I'm really sorry about what happened.

Its so hard when people say stuff like this.
I guess all i can say is i hope you're okay. i can sort of know wha your going through. my grandma died last may she was ill for long time but it was still hard. its hard when anyone dies. I was so sad also when my kitten died.. when i was 12. he was lke only a little over a year old.
So im sorry. hope your ok.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

My condolences to those of you who posted who recently had someone die.

I'm handling the loss just fine, it's the sympathy that I can't handle. You see, I'm sort of an emotional ret*d. I don't feel emotions the same as other people. Some emotions I can do just fine, but the rest I can only understand intellectually, and I guess I just approximate with the closest thing I know. I remember years ago that I had trouble with anger. Couldn't feel it or express it. Closest I could come was sadness. I'm still unsure that I can express anger properly, because many times people have failed to realize that I was angry, no matter what I said or did.

I guess I'm a little paranoid that I'll be "found out" because I may act particularly awkward around people who are expressing sympathy. People here are saying (and I've heard this before) that nobody knows how to act, but it is bothering me to even think about it, because I feel inferior in my emotional capacity.

I'm dreading going back to work and having to deal with people. I won't know who knows what is going on. The last time there was a death in the family, I called my supervisor and told him about it and that I would not be back at work for a couple of extra days (I was on vacation at the time, anyway). I expected he would tell everyone else, but when I got back he had apparently told some people and not others. There seemed to be no pattern to which people he told and which he didn't. There was no widespread knowledge of it, and one person greeted me with, "So, did you have a good vacation?"

This time I told a different person, although I didn't go into much detail. I only said that there was a death in the family and I would be off for a few days. I'm now really worried that I haven't handled even this very well. I think I'm going to be depressed.

It's the living people that get to me.

THIS is a good one!

My mom died this February and I didn't shed a tear the whole time I was there... well, actually I think I did when I was at her house cleaning up things and by myself.

Other than that, I was uncomfortable because I thought I should be acting in some prescribed manner so other people knew I was sad about her death.

I'd say just deal with it in your own way and maybe say things like the quote above... I really like those Ivetastedflight!