Empathy and Reading Visual Cues

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We've all heard that aspies and people with frank autism are supposed to lack empthy. I am an apsie and I am wondering if this is not a misunderstanding. People often think I lack empathy, when in fact the problem is that I have missed a visual cue that indicated that the person was upset or in pain. For example, as a mother, people have thought that i was unconcernd about my kids when they had minor hurts while playing. When they were too young to tell me that they had a bump or a pinch or a scrape. They're both on the spectrum-- so they talked late. Anyway, they'd be playing and another adult would get concerned and say, "Aren't you going to comfort her?" And I'd say, "Why?" And they'd say that she had hurt her thumb/knee, etc. Then I'd think, "OH I GET IT! That's why she was wrinkling her forehead and pursing her lips and rocking back and forth kissing her finger!"

Then I'd feel TERRIBLE that I had not realized what was going on.

But the problem WAS NOT with empathy. The problem was that I did not follow, visually what was going on, and I have trouble recognizing the body language of pain.

Even now, I still have to process it logically and cognitively, it is still not automatic, so I am several seconds behind in processing situations like this, which causes people to label me as not empathetic, which is very painful to me.

Anyone else have this experience?

empathy I have; it's figuring out what's wrong that drives me batty...

We don't process facial cues in the usual way and our facial cues are different than what most people look for. That's why the "no empathy" label. We speak a foreign face language.

I don't know what the heck is up with that "observation". Every human feels things.

Empathy is solely based on the ability to feel what others feel. To put on the other shoes.

I can do this almost too easily. At times when I see a drunk dying native at the bus stop and he tells his story I can hear his pain in his voice and I can visualize the images of what he has gone through and I find myself sharing his tears.

I am a very compassionate person. I have alwasy felt abused and hurt by a lot of things in my life especially when it comes to EVERYONE misunderstands me and my AS. But I do not like to feel hurt, I do not like to cry, and I certainly do not like feeling so depressed my only out is death or the fetal position in my bed completely covered up and trying to hide from EVERYTHING.

And it is because I do not enjoy these feelings I am kind and empathetic for people. No one human should ever have to feel unneeded pain.

As for readin facial ques, you are correct. I have observed and taught myself how to read people very well. But this is a tool not a genetic trait. Compassion and empathy are behavioral.

When a person told you your daughter was hurting, how did you feel?

Chances are you thought about how much it sucks to be hurt. And then you thought about how much it hurts to have no one there to care for you when it hapopens. And then chances are like you said you felt really bad.

All the things described above ARE empathy. You were empathetic towards your child.

f**k what the doctors say, any human being big or small is fully capable of feeling.

It is the frustrations with society that cause us to lose our empathy. It is years upon years of being told WE ARE THE PROBLEM that looses out empathy. It is the lack of compassion they show us that causes us to lose empathy!

I have always only really opened up and cared to show empathy towards people I deemed worthy. It may seem strange but that is how I feel. Those who show me respect or give me a reason to respect them will ALWAYS get my full attention.

Oops, kind of turned into a rant.

But hopefully it makes you feel better.

I worked in the insurance industry for a few years - BAD field for an Aspy (although I did not know it at the time).

I took one of those psychological profile tests developed by the insurance industry for salesmen before I started - scored very high on intelligence, extremely low on empathy. So low I should not have been hired based on that score alone, except the firm owner was a family friend.

I did not do too well in that job. I could rattle of the information without problems, diagnose the client needs - but when it came time to really read the customer and close on the sale, I was awful. I didn't know when to shut up. (I think I have the same problem dating...) I was partnered with an older guy for my first year or so - the only way it worked was that I basically talked in the middle explaining stuff, then I shut the hell up and let him close the sale.

I have to say on most levels I do lack empathy. I am awful at reading people, and I honestly just do not care 1 iota about strangers. All those human interest stories on the news about some kid missing halfway across the country - I could care less. People I know personally I am very caring towards, including the few girlfriends I have had and my family. But strangers, almost nothing. I would never put myself in danger in any way to save a stranger.

The OP post:

I experienced my mother as having absolutely no empathy but I suspect that she cannot read emotional cluess. She can only read visual cluess. If you are physically hurt, she would respond. Unless you freak out at her, she has no comprehension of your feelings and would just carry on with her mindless, intrusive controll over her children. It's like she doesn't realize that there is a person inside of me. Does that sound like she is an Aspie, I have been wondering.

YEs it does sound like that is a very real possibility.