Returning Phone Calls

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Hello WrongPlanet community,

I am a "neurotypical" college student from California and I am visiting this siite as an assignment for a class I am taking about living on the spectrum.

I also work with a program called "Circle of Friends", which allows me the opportunnity to meet students with AS and give them a forum for practiciing some social skills.

So here's my problem: I recently met a friend who is on the spectrum and we agreed to meet for dinner every week or so. This went great for the first two weeks, and he also invited me to see some work he had in an art show. However, for the last two weeks I've left him messages to no avail.

Is phone etiquitte sometimes difficult for people on the spectrum? Is it possible he doesn't know to call me back? Is this his way of telling me he doesn't want to hang out? Please let me know what you think.

I hope this message doesn't offend. I'm just trying to learn more and understand this perplexing situation. Thanks for your help!

One thing I find funny... There used to be a little group in my elementary school called Circle of Friends, which I participated in for a while, and it was basically this group of kids who hung out with a little girl with Down's syndrome during recess. Why is it always "Circle of Friends" used for people with syndromes/disorders? It's starting to sound a little diminutive/derogatory/pejorative/condescending to me.

As far as this problem, I honestly have no idea... You haven't specified where they are on the spectrum. If they have AS, then I dunno, because I think I have AS, but for me it would be common sense to return a phonecall, or something.
You haven't given much information, so I don't know how to help... But here are some things you might want to consider:
1) If his lack of phone etiquette isn't damaging your overall interaction and/or the planning of future interaction, then that may be the very reason he isn't responding. If someone were to leave me a message, chances are I wouldn't respond unless I thought it was necessary and/or had no other way of contacting them. Like, if I know I'm not gonna be able to speak to that person before they need a response, I will call them, but if I will be able to speak to them later in person, I won't.
2) He might not be a "phone person". I'm not a phone person, and I avoid talking on the phone like the plague. I also dislike leaving messages. Both of these things make me very nervous.
3) If it's his cell phone, or if he lives alone, he might not check his messages.
4) He might not know your number (but I'd like to assume you gave it to him).
5) Depending on where he is on the spectrum, it's possible that he simply doesn't know phone etiquette.

Actually, this just occured to me: Why don't you just ask him yourself? Why are you asking us? Silly! (no offence intended)

I have seen other people with AS, and I know it is true for myself, have difficulty talking on the phone at all. I think for me it is general anxiety about relationships with people. When should I call them, will I be bothering them while they are sleeping or busy? I have to be in a frame of mind to "socialize", which for me is rare. This also ties into getting lost in a special interest and not wanting to make other plans and leave what you are doing. Socializing can be very stressful for some of us, and like anyone else, we tend to avoid things that produce a lot of anxiety...even if it is something we want to do. Sounds contradictory but that is just the way it is for me.

Perhaps it would be easier for him to communicate with you by email or instant message. I find the first way much easier. Then you can make plans in a way that allows him to process them before he has to make a commitment. I hate making appointments for this reason...I never know if I am going to "feel social or be at my highest functioning" at 12pm, next Tuesday. Basically, I just gave up trying to be a friend because I didn't feel like I could be the kind of friend that most people need.

Yes, I think it is common for people with AS to have phone issues of some kind. Some don't understand phone ettiquite. Some have a lot of anxiety about calling people, or don't feel comfortable talking on the phone . . . There are lots of different reasons.

If you have another way to contact him, maybe you could try that?

as mentioned, i'd suggest a different form of contact - email/instant messenger/letter

i hate it when my phone rings cause the whole conversation thing can be difficult. it takes me weeks to get the courage to use the phone to contact people that are strangers, where ever possible i will use any other means possible to avoid having to use the phone

Just wanted to mention,(this me be a ME trait and not an AS traits) but I also feel really guilty hen it has been a long time since I last responded to someone. I am afraid that they wont like me any more or "shame me" and so I avoid calling them. I am usually happy and relieved when they call me back and just leave a mesage that..."Hi, just miss you and wondering how you are doing. The best time to reach me is between ....fill in time....if you want to chat or make plans to get together sometime."

That way, I know they aren't made, have given me a speciffic time that I wont worry that I may be boothering them and allow me to call when I am feeling my verbal best<---it changes day to day or time to time.

Phones are evil. I don't like them; I don't use them. When people who don't really know me leave me messages I never responde - mostly because I don't know how...maybe if someone wrote me out a script, but even then I don't talk much anyway. Phones are just plain akward and creepy. Is there an alternative that you can contact him?

Hey everyone, thanks for all of your replies. They were all incredibly helpful and gave me a much better understanding of what's going on in his head. By the way, he gave me a call today and acted as if I'd been talking to him every day (though I haven't been able to reach him in three weeks). When I meet up with him next, I'll see what his thoughts are.

And NoriMori: I agree, the sort of child-like connotation of the program's name definitely does border on offensive

I personally hate it when people don't return my phone calls or emails. I hate it when people 1) waste my time and 2) give me the runaround and don't return my messages. To me it signifies that I don't matter to that person or that somehow I have all the time in the world or that other person thinks that he/she is soooo important that people should wait for him or her.

Your friend should have called you back. Having AS is no excuse to not return phone calls or messages in a timely fashion.

I leave my voicemail full. That way noone is under the illusion that im going to call them back. Yeah, its a crappy thing to do, but I've never really been very good at calling people back over a sustained period of time. I tell people to leave me a text or an email, and I usually will answer them back.

I don't own a telephone. I hate them. It's horrible at work when I get stuck doing customer service - which means I have to mind the phones. The last time it rang, I cried.

Yup: count me in as another person who hates using the phone. Funnily enough, before I found WP I thought I was the only person in the world with this strong an aversion to it. I have anxiety about phoning people because I don't know what I'm interrupting. I'm also not good at working out responses on the spur of the moment which means that anyone wh speaks to me is likely to be confronted with very lengthy pauses, but I suspect that these come across as really weird over the phone. In fact I know they do because I'll be thinking of a response and the other person will say "Um, hello? Are you still there?" This then throws me off track and I have to start thinking of the response all over again. When the phone rings you don't know who is going to be there, so it's impossible to gear up the brain for the kind of conversation it will be. In everyday life I find that sounds merge into each other so I find it very difficult, for instance, to make out two separate voices at once. On the phone, this problem is much worse and I often really struggle to understand what the person is saying, particularly if there's any background noise at my end.

So I'd echo what others have said: it's best to go for another medium: possibly email or IM.