How to end a friendship

Post Reply New Topic

I know this forum is about social skills and making friends, but surely this is relevant. I want to know how to end a friendship. I'm 17 and my friend is 16. We're both AS and have similar interests. It's jst we're going to different colleges soon, and we both want different things. For example I'm ready to start dating and I made the mistake of asking him out. Things just aren't the same anymore. I'm terrible at confrontation, so I'm going to have to do it by text or something. Only problem is, I don't know what to say. This is the first time I've had to end a friendship, before it was always the other person who ended it. PLEASE HELP!

Why don't you just do your own thing and drift away naturally?

Yeah, maybe. One question though, do I ignore his texts completely or do I make an excuse?

Perhaps ask another friend or a family member to pose as you and respond to his texts to end it?

Ignore?

I would just confront and say, "We're going to individual colleges and moving on, maybe this is the end of our friendship. This day was probably inevitable as much as we would like to disagree with it."

I wouldn't ignore if I was you. If they find out, it could be a bad thing "How could I have been a good friend if you couldn't even tell me?" I always hated when someone else does the dirty work. Life's hard, sometimes you just gotta get out there and do something you don't like or have trouble with. Don't blame it on AS even if you want to. You both have it so you both understand. Try to end on good terms.

To re-enforce your statement "We would probably not have time for each other with studying"

Oh, boy.

This could be a life-stage shift in friendship. I'd like to discourage you from severing things per se. You don't have to cancel a joint subscription to Best Buds magazine; you just let it lapse. There's no reason to cause a lot of hurt for no real advantage to you. Acting in ways that avoid causing others to lose face can feel fake, but it's worth learning as an option.

Also, things can change a lot in 10 years.

Maybe I'm not understanding your goals. My guess is that you want clarity. This could become an issue if he expects you to "carry him" socially even while you're at different schools. But right now, it's probably worth sacrificing what we think of as clarity. One thing that works for me is doing-nothing, just waiting like an ethnologist who knows something will happen naturally. It's really hard - the only thing that gets me through it is my curiosity about what will unfold if I don't act to "resolve" things.


Personally, I'd reply to his texts, but not immediately (whatever your response rhythm is now, start extending it), and definitely keep it light and short.

Of course, if he puts pressure on you after a few months of you distancing yourself gently, you'll have to go back to the drawing board.

I don't see why you would want to end anything.
It's not an exclusive, dating relationship.
You are allowed to have other friends and do other things.
And you're going away.

Maybe you can start an "I'm going to miss you" conversation. Things MIGHT change or will PROBABLY change. You won't have as much time for each other, you'll be doing different things and meeting different people... You will certainly see each other less often, you'll probably get busy and not check your e-mail as often...
Not as a hint, but as a heads-up. Times change.

And in another five years, maybe you'll find each other again.

I'm not saying its the best way, but most people just end things by ignoring calls and text messages. Its how things are done these days. Its perfect for Aspies since we like to ignore others anyway.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I tried to talk to him, but I didn't get anywhere. He tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to end it. I had to listen for like half an hour while he tells me that I'm the most important person in his life and he'll do anything not to lose me. When I explained my reasons, he suddenly confesses the he does like me and he would like to date.
I feel trapped now. I feel like I don't have a way out of this. He still wants me around even though I want to end it. Surely nothing good can come out of this friendship for him. I know I'm his only friend at home, but why would you keep someone around who doesn't like you anymore. So now I'm going to try drifting away and meet some new people at college. Hopefully he'll do the same thing.

well think of it if it were the other way...um how do you think it would be best for you if someone you were really close to decided they didn't want to be friends anymore?

i think i agree that you may not want to end it per se

try telling them you need space right now that a lot is going on and you have some things to figure out and some thinking to do and it's not a good time for you to hang out with them right now but it may be again after you get it all figured out?

beats me...i always do the total avoiding thing and felt like such a jerk

You really don't have to end your friendships when you go to college. Yes, there will be some people who drift off from your life, but someone who's really important to you, if he is, you can keep in contact with by email, IM, phone calls or otherwise, not to mention you can see each other when you come home for the holidays. Yeah, the first few months might be hard as you're figuring out your studies, your place at the school, etc., but once you find a balance, there will probably be time for old friends as well as new.

If there are other issues at hand that make you uncomfortable with this person, then THOSE might be good reasons to break off with him. However, simple distance or a change of pace that can be bridged by technology and such shouldn't be the only one.