Trouble dealing with mentally ill friend

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um...I guess I woulda put this in the Haven or something...but it does deal with a friendship...so I put it here....

I have a friend of many years who is bi-polar schizophrenic...and...um...well...he has had this long suffering unrequited infatuation with me...and cooresponding hatred for my partner...a mutual "friend" of many years.....
I have liked to pretend that this infatuation did not exist...just for the sake of our friendship, which has been on shakey grounds for a long time, partly because his mental health has sorta been on the downward for a bit...He has had alot of trouble controlling his temper and will lash out in anger with the slightest provocation....ANY thing that is said to him may be subject to gross misinterpretation, as he will tend to read waaaay too much into anything that is said to him...
He has been in and out of the mental hospital lately because his neighbors call the police on him for yelling...He gets put on medication, and he is on SSI and has a job (shakey)...but he is too out of it to go through the process of getting his medication....or using his medication the way it should be used...and he doesn't like being on medication in the first place....

For my birthday, he gave me this long rambling journal that was addressed to me....that was frankly rather scary once I read it.....
Anywhoo...my paradigm has been of still wanting to be his friend...I have known him for a long time....even though he is delusional...and volatile...and all this other stuff....

So he called me a couple days ago and asked me if he could come over and use our computer to do some sorta paperwork stuff....and I said ok...over the weekend when when I was not so busy....but then I thought better of it...thinking it might be dangerous to be alone in the house with him...Flakey is at work...this was after reading more of the creepy journal addressed to me....so I sorta gave him the brushoff...in a sort of bad way....as it was difficult for me to say no....I was very vague as to when he could come over as it was all dependant on what I was doing that day...but I did not say no....

I know this was very wrong of me....I did it in a very bad...non-decorous sort of way....first by not answering the phone and then he showed up at the house (which he should not have since i did not answer the phone) and I did not answer the door....and then after his lengthy knocking finally I DID call him through the door and tell him that I did not want to be alone in the house with him and he started yelling at me that I was no longer his friend and that I am always playing these little games and I had cost him $1.50......Then he left me a very angry note under a coffee cup at my front door...

So I feel like apologising to him for the clumsy brush-off....but in a way that he can't misinterpret....

i feel like such a cad....but i also feel like I might have been um..protecting myself....

It's not your fault.

His mental health is not your responsibility.

I had a neighbour a couple of years ago who was a paranoid schizophrenic. Plus alcholic, which messed with his meds and stuff.

Because AS is technically classed as some kind of psychiatric condition, I had a lot of sympathy for this guy, because I know about the prejudice people face and stuff. I had a lot of time for him. But he was often verbally abusive.

Sometimes he was okay, but when he started to get nasty I used to say to him: Look, I appreciate that maybe you're not well at the moment, but I don't have to listen to you say stuff like that to me, so I'm going to go now/ask you leave now, and I'll see you and talk to you again when you're feeling better.

You do have to protect yourself and let them know what's appropriate and inappropriate behaviour and draw boundaries for them.

With my old neighbour, he eventually set his flat on fire and got hospitalised.

If someone like that is scaring you, listen to your internal alarm bells and seek protection, either get a friend or parent come round to be with you or go to stay with them. And also, if possible, find out who the case workers are for your friend, their psychiatrist or social worker, and get their number, and if your friend becomes very unwell phone them and alert them to the deterioration in your friend's mental health.

You shouldn't be sorry, this could be a very dangerous situation, sometimes you have to follow your gut instinct and avoid certain people.

The guy really needs a case worker.
I don't think he has one....

I feel bad because all I have done is further agitate him...then again...my letting him use my computer would also have served to agitate him in some different way...there is no winning...we were on bad terms for months because we invited him out to an open mic., and i asked him to stop yelling.

Maybe it is good if he is mad at me...maybe it could cut some notches out of the festering infatuation-thingy.......but then again...the infatuation seems to persist even when he is really mad at me...and that is when it gets scary....(this is all stuff i have picked up from the journal he gave me)

I have thought to write him a letter.....(being very careful not to say anything that he could misinterpret)....telling him I am sorry I brushed him off...but that he really should just leave me alone.

I would like for the guy to have closeure......But I guess nothing will work...

It tough thing, dealing with a mentally unstable friend. I myself have experience cons of having one. However I thing think she nearly as dangerous as your friend could be. We all thinking the same thing, the things that could happen. We have all seen those sort of movies. Sad though, if there was a way to deal with this, to be his friend but not end up alone with him at any point and then you would be set. I would say it would better for both you if you leave it and move on however he may get really upset and do something really stupid like kill you or himself. Does he have any family that could him take care of his problem by any chance? Someone that is really willing to be in that situation would be good. I recommend if you do break off the friendship that you move and be careful. I don't like stereotyping people but it better to be safe than sorry. Anyhow, I would tread lightly from now on. Particularily if he is not taking his meds. Oh and sorry if I'm scaring you but unforunately it does happen. I hope it works out for both of you in the end.

Yes I know.....

Oh my! this is no good. Hmmm. I don't know what you should do. It depends on what is in this creepy journal. I doubt he needed to use your computer, he probably made an excuse just to come over. If you do stay friends with him maybe you could ask him to tell you anything that is making him uncomfortable, like if he suspects things, and you will tell him the truth. My dad is paranoid, and i have to deal with his paranoia all the time. He always tells me the people at best buy are going to break into his house and steal his electronics, and he'll always tell me random people are following him.
I don't know i think you should end your relationship with this person, but if there is nothing dangerous in the journal, than maybe you could help this guy?

i have tried helping him for years.
I think that even though I have often described him in the past (i have mentioned him on WP before)...as being on the spectrum....mostly because he has empathy issues....stims like mad...has obsessions....etc......is inherantly wired dfferently than most people....um....I think we have conflicting "disorders"...not calling AS a disorder...just that ....I complelty lack the ability to NOT say/do the wrong thing around him....he will take the smallest utterance....and madly stretch it out of proportion...he sees symbols in everything....um.....this goes for any gesture of friendship or trying to help.
But as it has been said before....I don't owe him anything...I have the right to look out for myself...

He has a very strong sense of vengance...a very "him against the world" mentality....He has made allusions to violence in phone messages....he has even attacked us physically...in front of other people..We had to fight him off with a chair....he was in a state of severe instability at the time....this was several months ago..and we have hung out with him since...but anytime we do, the situation is sure to deteriorate...with one small turn of words or other...

Flakey wants no further involvement with him....and I only have out of a sense of I guess nievete and gullability.....i have known him for 10 years....I think Flakey has known him for 11 or 12....
He has not always been this bad.....he has gone through phases of severe illness...but never this dark and vengeful before.
He used to be my roommate/bandmate....Flakey has been playing music with him for years and years...
He frequently refers to Flakey in the journal as having stolen his girlfriend (I never was his girlfriend)
Because I am somewhat markedly neurologicly "different"..I have been stigmatised in a similar manner....by people who knew both of us...and maybe that is part of the reason why he has had this unrelenting...um......torch.... for me...I guess....

So it is beyond my ability to help him...But somebody should....the police coming and locking him up in the looney bin every other month isn't gonna help...having Security called on him every time he goes into the grocery store isn't gonna help....

I have thought about leaving him a note...apologising for brushing him off in such a lousy way and simply reiterating the various reasons why we can't be functional friends....and why he shouldn't covet me..and I don't owe him anything..and he has no rights to me....blah blah....

Not saying anything will just cause things to fester...he has got one of those elephant-grudge mechanisms in his mind....and this will not be the last I see of him...even though he says it will be...

I am not quite sure what to say, it is almost as if you are standing upon a frozen lake and any step you take could shatter the frozen lake which is the peace in your heart. Do what you must so your heart may grow and you happiness can blossom but remember he is ill.

Your intuition is telling you this is a bad situation, and you should listen to it. It seems you feel bad for not being able to help him, but there are red flags going up all around you. Be smart and cut him loose.

Can you say something true without blaming him?
"I need to stay away from you because I am _____"
Stretch the truth about a real issue, maybe some recent
little event (unrelated to him) that got you re-thinking...

nasty situation. i can see why you want to offer some explanation and closure to the guy to sort of 'bring down the curtain' on the relationship, but i doubt there's anything you can say that won't be miscontrued. I had to end a friendship recently with an unstable/mentally ill person, i tried the 'nice' way several times, I tried 'drifting away', that didn't work either.

In the end I had to be blunt and probably offensive, I also told her I would take out a restraining order if she showed up at my house again. she does become vaguely threatening in this situation. I think the phrase I used most often was 'mental illness is just not my thing, maybe the normal people can cope with it better (she has other normal friends/keepers).

I was dealing with a middle aged woman though, I think in the case of a young man with unrequited love in the picture, I wouldn't see him again alone.